Jaymes' before and afters

[StarChild]

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I will have fresh cuts, which I'll have to hide during a video interview and a presentation (on mental illness - oh, the irony). And I'll feel like shit tomorrow. And I could end up in the hospital, which is the thing i want least of all.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It'll bring the illusion of control, but it'll take with it a good chunk of my self-respect and maybe even the opportunity to do that presentation. I really want to do it, even if I'm not feeling 100%.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I really want to feel like I am as strong as I look from the outside (I put on a good front).
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  I know it's not the best option, but it's so tempting because I had a panic attack earlier and I've still got a lot of anxiety from it (and from a long weekend away from home) and I feel so exhausted and weak.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  Well, I'm writing this, for one thing. I could write a letter I've been working on, or I could work on preparing for my interview tomorrow. I could take a shower. I could light some incense. I could make a cup of tea. I could listen to inspirational songs. There are so many things I could do that are NOT cutting.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  If I hurt myself, I will feel terrible and guilty and ashamed tomorrow, and I probably won't get to do the presentation.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really just want to get this damn anxiety to go away!

*Note: I took a break from writing this in order to get a drink of water, light some incense, and put on a playlist of country-Christian music. These are some of my most basic coping skills.*


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Just being overwhelmed and emotionally tired. I spent 4 days with my brother, and he and his girlfriend had a...tiff? A discussion? There was a lot of crying and I stayed up until 1am on Saturday night/Sunday morning to talk to my bro about how he was feeling and what was going on. It was wonderful to see how much we've rebuilt, and I kept telling him it was okay, but it really took a lot out of me emotionally.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I've been here many times, with different situations. Sometimes I cut, sometimes I didn't. I know that the times I've cut, I've felt terrible. And I know that when I DIDN'T cut, I felt strong.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  As I said, hydration, incense, and music. I can also turn to that really long list of coping skills I typed here a few minutes ago.
• How do I feel right now?
  Crap, to be honest, but that will pass.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Numb.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Terrible. I'll wake up to an itch on my arm and look down and remember, with a cavalcade of shame and misery, what I did the night before.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I wouldn't WANT to avoid this stressor, honestly - I want to be able to be a good support, a good friend, a good sibling to my brother - but I can definitely plan out a couple of "decompressing days" after traveling in the future.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't think I do.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[StarChild]

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I'll be calm for maybe half an hour, but I'll be even more anxious than I am now, for the rest of the day and possibly through the weekend. Plus, I'll have cuts to hide.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It'll bring momentary calm, but it will take away my 3-weeks-no-SI and it will take away some of my self-worth/self-respect.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to feel strong and capable, esp. on Friday when I have my presentation, and hurting myself will push me in the opposite direction, into a feeling of weakness and lack of control.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  30 minutes, an hour tops. Then I'll be feeling crummier than ever.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could use my coping card and do the things on that list.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  Tomorrow I'll feel awful, and I'll have to hide my cuts from my gf, and I hate hiding things from her. I don't want to hurt her by hurting myself.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really just want this anxiety to go away!


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Anxiety and a migraine. I had a very rewarding but VERY rough/draining weekend. Now that I think about it, though, the person I was helping - my brother - would be so sad and upset if he knew that the weekend I spent with him was "what brought me to this point." I don't want him to feel like it was his fault.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I've been in this situation for a few days, and so far I've used my positive coping skills rather than cutting or drinking. And I've made it through several tough nights.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  The stuff on my coping card would help a lot.
• How do I feel right now?
  Pretty crummy, tbh.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Numb.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Horrible and horrible.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  Like I said, I don't want to avoid it. I want to be a good sister and help him.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't know. I just don't know.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[treasure]

well done loki, on keeping to your positive coping skills. do you have any breathing exercises you could do? they often help me with anxiety. also, time by myself helps, i try to get a balance between being around people and being on my own.

you can get through this, it will get easier.

[StarChild]

thank you treasure! for the record, i didn't end up cutting last night, and I have therapy today and will DEFINITELY talk about it.

xx loki

[StarChild]

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I'll feel pain. I'll feel SOMETHING other than this horrible emptiness.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It'll bring sensation, physical and mental. I'm just so fucking lonely and sad and tired and empty.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  Well, I wanted to quit SI. I'm just having trouble remembering reasons to stay quit. Today it is exactly 9 months since I cut.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Between five minutes and five hours. I'll still wake up with bandaged arms. And you know what? Right now, I don't really care.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  Take a shower, watch a movie, distract myself, wait until I can go to sleep. Let me feel something other than longing. I just want to curl up on the fucking floor in the fucking fetal position.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  If I hurt myself, I'll be so ashamed and embarrassed and angry with myself. Hell, it would probably make my depression WORSE.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really just want to curl up and cry but I haven't been able to cry for years.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Long, stressful day. Inadequate sleep. My brother being severely depressed. Doing a presentation that got really raw and emotional (two people in the audience were crying when I shared my story).
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I usually just sit it out. I need to sit with this feeling and let myself feel it. I need to accept it for what it is, accept that I have it, and that it is uncomfortable but not unbearable.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Tbh I've been reading Game Grumps fanfiction.
• How do I feel right now?
  REALLY FUCKING SHITTY.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Numb.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Sick. Anxious. Guilty. Ashamed. Angry. Depressed.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I may need to make sure I get to a meeting after my presentations.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Need? Probably not. Want? Hell yes.

[treasure]

i like that you wrote "I need to sit with this feeling and let myself feel it. I need to accept it for what it is, accept that I have it, and that it is uncomfortable but not unbearable."
your feelings are real and valid. they show the empathy you have for others, the capacity you have to care, the depth of the things you need from others as well. i know pushing them away is easier and better in the short term but the only real relief is to feel them and get past them.

sometimes i get angry that it hurts so much and that kind of helps me cry or express things better. i don't think you have to cry but give yourself permission to be crazy for a bit, to be overwhelmed for a moment and the moment will pass, there will be calm after the storm.

[StarChild]

i like that you wrote "I need to sit with this feeling and let myself feel it. I need to accept it for what it is, accept that I have it, and that it is uncomfortable but not unbearable."
your feelings are real and valid. they show the empathy you have for others, the capacity you have to care, the depth of the things you need from others as well. i know pushing them away is easier and better in the short term but the only real relief is to feel them and get past them.

sometimes i get angry that it hurts so much and that kind of helps me cry or express things better. i don't think you have to cry but give yourself permission to be crazy for a bit, to be overwhelmed for a moment and the moment will pass, there will be calm after the storm.

"Sitting with my feelings" is kind of a coping skill I invented, based on mindfulness and DBT concepts. The idea, for me, is to accept the feeling without labeling it "horrible" or "unbearable" or anything like that. It's a feeling like any other. I feel like paying it respect, saying "yes, okay, I feel this," helps me to let those feelings go.

For the record I didn't cut after writing this, though I wanted to.

[StarChild]

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I'll have fresh cuts which I will have to hide. And it's really warm out lately so hiding them could be difficult (or uncomfortable). I'm seeing my Dad in 2 days and my Mom in 3 so I'd reeeaaaallly have to hide.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  Bring the illusion of control, take away actual control. Bring the illusion that I can take care of myself and deal with life, take away all my 9 months of dealing with life WITHOUT cutting.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  Right now I don't even know how much longer the "long run" is going to be.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  5 to 30 minutes. Right now I feel like hell, it'd be worth it for just 5. I keep imagining the way it feels. I imagine the physical action, feeling, visual. It's all physical stuff that I want, because of the nonphysical stuff in my head. It's a bad way to deal with it. It feels like the best way to deal with it but I know it isn't.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  Shower. Cup of tea. Netflix.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  Tomorrow I'll be sick with anxiety if I do cut. If I don't cut, I'll feel like hey, I got through another tough night.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I just don't want to hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. And I know that the pain is temporary, but god it feels so impossibly miserable right now.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  So much is going on in my life. Very emotional volunteer work. Difficult class. Parents are frayed at the edges. Friend is going through a crisis. Brother is a mess. And then fucking Trump is going to win.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  It hasn't been this bad since last January (It's November). I don't know how I've gotten through it so long.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I called a hotline, and I took my meds, and now I'm drinking lavender tea. My general plan is just to zone out and watch Netflix or some ASMR or something.
• How do I feel right now?
  Tired. Stressed. Uncomfortable in my skin. Craving. Sad. Hopeless.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Numb.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Angry. Frustrated. Sad. Disappointed. Frustrated!!
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  No, life will always be a mess. That's what life is. Life's a bitch and then you die.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  Maybe.

[StarChild]

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i don't care how it changes as long as it changes.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring scars to hide tomorrow, when i've got to do a public performance with my mom. guess i'm wearing long sleeves.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i can't think about the long run right now
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  5 to 30 minutes...maybe an hour if i'm lucky.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could hold a piece of ice. maybe that will help. i just took a hot shower and i'm making tea. i'm going to do those things but if it doesn't work i'm probably going to cut.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  Tomorrow I'll feel awful and sick if I cut. If I make it through...I don't know. I can't think that far ahead, you know? I don't see anything else. I see the pit I'm in right now, and it is so hard to remember that sometimes I'm not in the pit. Sometimes I'm in the sunlight. But right now I cannot see the sun.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i just want to not be suicidal anymore!!! I want some relief!!!

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Fucking TrumPence.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  The past week or so I've been fighting so hard to not cut. I'm exhausted.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Hot shower, tea. I could try the ice thing. Theres [a new method] that I've been wanting to try but it will in fact harm me, it's kind of a parallel to cutting. So I can't try that.
• How do I feel right now?
  Awful. Depressed. Sad. Miserable. Hurting. Scared. Angry. So angry. Resentful. Hate. Rage. Sick.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Numb, hopefully.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Terrible.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  Unless I can convince my IDIOT UNCLES to STOP VOTING AGAINST MY RIGHTS, there's nothing I can do (and even that wouldn't change a damn thing).
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Honestly I feel like I do.

I'll fill out an after if I do it.

[treasure]

hi jaymes, did you end up si-ing?

i've had similar issues with anger leading to si. i feel like i can't control my anger, that i might lose control - rave out loud, smash everything, or hurt other people, so i almost always control it by using si.

for you - what is the worst that happens if you stay angry, if you let yourself sit with it? also, if there was someone you know well, trusted and felt safe with, who was angry, what would you expect them to do and how might you help them?

[StarChild]

I didn't end up SI'ing, if only out of spite. (I feel like "if I cut over TrumPence, then they win another battle, and I'm not going to give them the satisfaction - even if they'll never know, I'm not gonna let them win this.")

The past few days I haven't wanted to cut. So that's good.

I still don't feel totally ready to give it up forever, but I haven't for 10 months so yeah. Maybe I'll keep going.

xx Jaymes