Before

[sojourner_steph]

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I will feel stuff about having SI'd instead of feeling stuff about stuff which has happened/stuff I think. Which right now I want. But - I won't want that - I always find it when feelings become just heaps of feelings and I don't know what they are. Now - I have distinguishable things I can point to and say - I feel stuff because of this. I could write down a list of sentences of things which are behind this - that's unusual for me. I don't want to SI and have it become just a bunch of feelings - I don't want to lose knowing what is behind stuff.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will - make me stop feeling crap for a little bit.
  
  It will make me start thinking about SI instead of all the things I'm thinking which I don't want to think.
  
  It will take away - having distinguishable things I can point to which are behind my feelings at the moment.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want help to work out this stuff. Si isn't going to do that.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  A few hours, tonight maybe - then I'd want to SI again
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could try to pray. Or write down thankfulness card things. That would be better than lying on my bed feeling crap, even though it won't change feelings. It would last maybe 5 minutes.
  
  I need to finish typing up my notes from the job I quit to give to my employer tomorrow morning. But I can't face it. It would seriously only take me about an hour of stuff was ok - but I've dragged it out over 3 days and still haven't gotten very far. . . But that's what I should be doing.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  I will hate me for giving into SI. I'll feel bad, but it will be a different feeling bad to how I feel now.
  
  If I don't SI, I'll feel the same as I do now.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

What do I really want:

I want to talk to someone and tell them everything I'm thinking and feeling. Even just describe the past week. I want someone to come to my house and not care that I'm lying on my bed feeling crap and say that it's ok to be this and that it's ok to talk to them. And I want to talk and describe the past week or two.

That's not going to happen because:
1. I feel like it's wrong to want to talk to someone
2. Even if I would ask someone, I couldn't talk anyway - it's great to imagine how much it would help to have someone here who I could talk to and say everything, but if there was someone here, I would find it hard to talk. All I would say is - I'm sorry. For asking something from them. For being this.


More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  This week.
  
  I was feeling stuff at the start of the week anyway from stuff I've been feeling for awhile.
  
  Then. . .
  
  I had a job for 3 days - which was really hard for me - I cried before and after it every day - it was basically making phone calls all day - and I get so scared about making phone calls. And it was 9-5 every day which was too much for me. And - I was so scared I was going to stuff things up and wreck everything for my employer who is a really nice person (not an irrational fear - I had the potential to do that - she trusted me with a part of the job on which part of her business depended).
  
  I had an appointment with the job agency because I'm on Centrelink (government) payments which was really hard and made me feel a lot of things. . . After which I cried - like - not able to stop crying - for hours. I'm ready to give up on it - it's not worth it. So many things I could say about it but I can't be bothered writing it now - but it hurt - a lot - and I'm seriously thinking about stopping government payments for a while and using up my small amount of savings because I can't deal with it.
  
  I quit the job and spent a day and a half waiting for her to contact me about it and feeling really scared.
  
  I've thought a lot of things and stuff hurts and I think - I want to die - all the time.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I don't know. Centrelink stuff - yeah - not this bad. I think I just cried for a week or so and then got over it.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I don't know. Honestly - what I've been doing doesn't help - I lie on my bed all day looking at the Internet and hating myself for being stupid and not being productive.
  
  If I could find something I could do that actually helped, and allow myself to not be productive for a while, then that would be better than what I'm doing - but I don't know what I could do.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Crap
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Better.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Guilty, hate myself for SIing, but I would feel different to how I feel right now which is what I want.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  Go off Centrelink payments so that I don't have to deal with appointments with them which are hard. And so that I don't have to feel so much pressure to take a job which I think that I can't do and would find hard.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I want to. I'm trying not to.

I really want a person. I hate myself so much for wanting that. But - yeah, I want a person. I want to not be alone right now. I want someone to care.

[treasure]

i think it's ok to want to talk and want someone to care. i care, even if that's not the same.

with centrelink - are you eligible for disability pension? it's a long process but could be worth it?
i can understand crying after, or during, centrelink appts, i've done that. it helps me feel stronger if i have someone with me, or planning to meet someone afterward.

I need to finish typing up my notes from the job I quit to give to my employer tomorrow morning. But I can't face it

i think sometimes feelings are so loud they are a distraction from the physical world, we get stuck in our heads but physically typing or writing or moving can help you focus on something else. there's something i've heard recently that says the thought that you can't do something (can't cope, can't deal with it etc) is your brain bluffing you to stay focussed on the feelings. if you can see that it's probably a bluff and move towards an action you will destroy those thoughts because thinking you can't do it is not compatible with already doing it.

If I don't SI, I'll feel the same as I do now.

a challenge - is this true? are your feelings always the same, over time?

[sojourner_steph]

Treasure - thank you. I appreciated your reply and it helped.

Centrelink stuff . . .

At the moment I'm seeing a disability job agency and Centrelink has said that I can just work 15 hours per week (or look for that amount of work). So, I've been through a lot of - providing doctor's certificates and having appointments with Centrelink and the health assessor people Centrelink has - and that's what they came up with - that I can work 15 hours per week. I don't think that's unreasonable - I think in the right type of job (which is hard to find, I'm trying to figure out what I can do and what's too much), I could do that or nearly that or at least I'd like to try doing 15 hours a week in a job I can do and find out if I can do it.

I have lots of thoughts. . .

I think it's just the pressure of the job agency, putting pressure on me to get any job, and wanting me to do more than 15 hours - so I feel like I don't have the opportunity to try and work out what I can and can't do gradually, that I'm being forced into doing things quickly, like this job that I had - that was too much all at once and I fell apart over it - I want to try and have the opportunity to bud up slowly.

Talking to the job agency makes me feel guilty, ashamed . . . For being on Centrelink payments. I don't know if that's the person I'm talking to and things she has said or just how I perceive it in general.

The hours thing is bugging me - and it just makes me feel like crap - that they keep on going on about wanting me to do heaps of work - and she didn't get it - she kept on going on about how I could get a job and work heaps and do lots of hours now and then when study goes back next year that I could drop back to just doing 15 hours of work and study. I can't do it. I struggled this semester doing only 1 subject - which is meant to be the equivalent of 10 hours - I only got through it because I had a friend who helped a lot with getting my assignments done. It makes me feel like I'm not worth anything because they are pushing me to do more than I think that I can do.

It sucks that struggling with mental health affects how much I can do. But it really does. I already hate me for that. I already feel like I'm not worth anything, like I don't deserve to exist because of that. Going to appointments every fortnight and having them say stuff about that I must work so many hours, it makes me feel worse.

Job agencies haven't helped me. I feel like they could be so much more helpful - like I'd love for someone to tell me what sort of jobs I am qualified for with my degree. . . But, honestly, at least from my experience of it, I feel like they make people feel ashamed for being on Centrelink payments.

I find it hard that they want me to find any job - I told her some sorts of jobs that I'd like to try and she kept on going on about needing to get any job and that I can't just wait for a job that I want. That's not what I'm doing. There's jobs I think that I could do better, that have less potential to make mental health stuff worse - so yes, I want to try that sort of stuff first. I tried taking any job - and it did end up badly and made stuff harder.

I dread appointments with the job agency. I want SI before/after every appointment with them. I've given in a number of times.

I've stopped doing anything to work on mental health stuff. Because of this - because dealing with Centrelink, trying jobs is enough. I can't deal with trying to work through things at the same time. I stopped going to counselling appointments when study got stressful, I wanted to try again in the holidays, but the job agency/Centrelink and looking for work has just replaced study with being a source of stress which I can't deal with. So I'm not doing anything. Which actually defeats the purpose of it. If I took time to try to work on things, maybe, I might get somewhere and then be able to work or study more than I am at the moment.

Job agency appointments are also just a reminder of - I have problems - I'm stupid. I'm nothing. I hate me for being this.

What I want to do about it

Short term - I want to stop Centrelink payments for a while. I could live off my savings for a couple of months. It's not entirely wise as there's reasons I can think of that I might need that money in the future. But - honestly, I can't face another appointment right now. I want to look for work on my own terms, and look for and try something which I can do without the pressure that the job agency places on me. It would also give me the opportunity to attempt to work out mental health stuff a bit maybe.

After that I guess I'd have to come back to this - Centrelink/job agency stuff - but maybe after a break I'd be better able to deal with it.

I have no idea what to do about study next year - I want to go back to full time study just so I don't have to deal with Centrelink stuff anymore (because then I could be on a study payment). I don't know if that's wise. And - my college has said that if I have to withdraw from a subject again, they'll ask me to leave college completely. So, I need to be careful I guess. And given that this semester I only just got through one subject. . . I don't know. I had a doctors certificate for this (and previous)
Semester - so that I received Centrelink payments and it was ok to only do that much. But - I'm sick of asking for that from my doctor. I don't want to ask for something that I shouldn't. What if I should be able to do more? I don't know. i don't think that I can work and study. I don't know. Thinking about this is hard.


In all of this - things I'm writing about Centrelink - I don't want to feel like I'm entitled to government payments. I'm thankful for Centrelink. I never want to come across like I'm complaining or feel entitled to anything. I'm thank full for the help that Centrelink has given me with payments - but sometimes it's really hard.

That was longer than I thought it would be. I'm sorry. Maybe it doesn't really belong here, but it was maybe helpful to write my thoughts regardless.

[sojourner_steph]

Some more thoughts

Writing here helped. I want to remember that.

It helped me work some things out.

Like - holding on to not wanting to lose knowing specific things which were behind me feeling a certain way. I wrote that and then the next day I remembered that and it was a reason to not give in to SI.

It was helpful to recognise that what I was doing wasn't helping. I go to that a lot when stuff's hard - lying on my bed wasting time on the Internet. But - after writing here, I realised that that hasn't helped . . . And I tried to come up with some ideas of something which I could do which might help.

In response to some of what you said treasure:

- you're right. Feelings do change. Generally not quickly though. The next day I did feel the same. But - that afternoon I found something which helped a bit. And now, a week later, I feel a lot better. So yes, feelings change. I would like to remember that. It's hard in the moment sometimes - it feels like this is how it's always been and this is how it's always going to be. But, yeah, feelings change, even when I don't do anything about them, like SI to try and stop them. They usually change gradually, so it's hard for me to see to sometimes. Thank you for pointing that out. That helped me to pay attention to how feelings changed this time.

[treasure]

i'm really glad typing here helped. i think it's good to have that here, to see if something positive came out of asking yourself questions.

i really empathise with your situation. a job agency (even one specifically meant for people with diabilities and mental health issues) put me in a job i couldn't handle and didn't support me when i wanted to reduce my hours. after that job i ended up in a big slide downwards. i switched job agencies but the new one closed in 2 months, and the one after that did practically nothing, just pushed me to do everything myself and to push myself harder in job searching.

i've seen a psychologist regularly for about 2 years (i had help to pay for it) and she had mentioned that she would help me apply for disability support if i wanted it. i pushed it away for a long time - "i wasn't that sick", i thought medical people thought it was temporary issues with work or not working and self-esteem, something that therapy would fix. i had previously been in hospital briefly but nothing compared to most people - i had stable accommodation, stable support structures and when i was struggling it was usually something i got out of without going ip.

i started the application in apr and it went through a 6 month process but i eventually got onto disability payments. i am still required to go to the job agency every fortnight but the requirement is to work 8hrs/week as a minimum and they are much less pushy. (unfortunately the requirement from centrelink might feel reasonable but the job agency sees that as a minimum not a recommendation. i think on newstart they might not stop pushing unless they have medical certificates or unless you get lucky with a sympathetic worker).

i'm sorry this is long but i want to show one way out of the stress you are under. it doesn't matter if you deserve disability, the government has strict requirements and *they* get to decide whether you get it or not. you can apply and see if it goes anywhere, although it's not a short-term solution.

in the short-term, can you try and talk to the agency about your feelings during and after appts? i had that problem that i can put on a facade of being perfectly fine and they don't see the underlying feelings or struggles. if you can be honest about what you are capable of, they may be able to allow you to aim more for the 15hrs rather than much higher than that. also maybe give yourself something to look forward to after the appt - a specific place to go or item to buy that you can focus on after the appt to help distract from what you feel and think after the appt.

[sojourner_steph]

Thank you Treasure. I really appreciated you giving me your time and sharing your own experience with me. It helps. It helps to talk to someone who understands Centrelink. Thank you. I'll keep in mind what you said about disability payments and think about it.

[sojourner_steph]

So. . . Because it helped before, I'm going to try writing here again. (Although this might be better suited to my place, but since I've already started talking about this here, I'll keep on writing here for now). Sometimes writing things helps me to work stuff out a bit.

So - Centrelink stuff - I came up with a short term solution to pause payments for a month or two and try and figure stuff out. Which could have worked out - financially, I could have done it, and it would have taken away some stress and given me a chance to work stuff out. But - it's not possible. I called Centrelink and they said it's not possible to pause payments, only to stop them which means I'd need to reapply and go through providing doctors certificates and meetings with Centrelink health assessor people to be approved for the 15hours of work thing again. And they said that there could be "repercussions" from stopping - no idea what that meant, that they'd be less likely to accept my application again if I stop payments once? Maybe. But yeah, I decided to stay where I am for now because it would be a lot to have to go through all that again in a month or two.

I'm not ok. I'm finding stuff hard. I want SI all the time the past few days. And I'm back to lying in bed a lot, crying and feeling stuff. And trying to distract myself with reading mainly - which isn't completely bad, it's just not changing my feelings, or doing anything to work anything out, or achieving anything productive. It's keeping me from SI which is good. . .

I haven't given in to SI throughout all of this the past few weeks. Which surprises me. And - it's something good.

I know feelings change. And they did for a while. Last week I spent a week away in a different city visiting a friend in hospital every day. And I didn't feel this stuff very much or as strongly. I didn't want SI very often. So, what's different now? I'm back home. . . If I had something to do every day. Or if I found someone else to help and care for. Would that make me not feel stuff about my stuff as much again? Should I do that? I can try and find someone from church who I can go and clean their house or something. . . That has a point - doing things and helping other people helps me sometimes to not feel stuff as much. But - I feel like there's an opposite side to that too. Like is that just ignoring my problems? Is it not dealing with them? And, honestly, if doing something to help others is the answer, it makes me feel like I don't matter, like what I feel doesn't matter - does that make sense?

If I do need to "work things out", I'm not sure I know how.

I want to work out stuff. I think I'm very much a "need to have a plan" type of person. Like, as an example, I planned my uni subjects out 4 years in advance - I didn't stick to it, but felt better having a plan than other students who would just choose subjects each semester. . . So - right now - I want to work out - what I'm going to do about Centrelink, what I'm going to do about job stuff, what I'm going to do about next year - study/work/how many subjects/am I going to ask for a doctor's certificate again or try to do full time and really future stuff - like am I still going to be a bible translator one day overseas and some specific things to do with that which I want to think through now. I also want to work out what I'm going to do about mental health stuff - do I go back to my
Counsellor or try another or talk to my doctor or do what my doctor wanted and go to a psychiatrist to talk about medication. And stuff I can't answer, which makes it hard being a planning type of person - am I going to get over mental health stuff? When am I going to be able to do a normal amount of work/study again? Am I ever going to be able to be a bible translator (because I know I couldn't do that job now while struggling with mental health stuff)?

I want help to work some of those things out. Maybe I want to talk to a friend and have them listen and ask for advice and maybe come up with a plan. It would help me if I had something, even though I can't plan everything, rather than living my life day by day without any control over my future.

Maybe this is actually part of why I find job agency stuff so hard - that I can't control it, that my life could change tomorrow (with a job) and I can't plan or prepare for it. That I could get a phone call anytime from a job the job agency has applied for for me and get a job which I haven't even heard about and therefore can't be prepared for. . .

I don't know.

Centrelink told me to go to my doctor and get a doctor's certificate to exempt me from job agency appointments for a while. I don't know if I want to. I'm sick of asking for things. I don't want to ask for anything more from the government. And - I don't want to go through appointments with people either. I just wanted a break from it for a while. That's why I wanted to pause my payments. I wish that was possible.

I don't like going to my doctor anyway. It takes at least two weeks to get in to see her, so when I want to talk to her about mental health stuff it's hard because I might know what I want to say and want to go when I make an appointment, but after two weeks feel different or not be able to say what I was going to say anymore. There's been a number of times the past few months where I wanted to ask my doctor for help about something about mental health stuff and haven't because of how long it takes to get an appointment. . .

I want to talk to someone. I want a person with me who I can actually talk to and they will listen. Not writing. But that's never going to happen, because I can't talk. I write things, that's how I express my thoughts. When I try to talk about stuff I never can very well. But, it makes me feel alone. I ask for help by writing on BUS or sometimes writing emails to people, but sometimes, I wish I could just talk to someone. It would make me feel less alone.

What can I do today which might help

- Write on BUS which I'm doing now.
- Go swimming because exercise helps sometimes.
- Attempt to clean my room so I do at least something productive.
- ask if I can help someone clean their house or look after kids.
- Go to a movie (like I did yesterday ; )) - it's just a distraction, but it works better than reading because it means I go out of my house.
- journal thoughts
- *REL* attempt to pray or listen to music which sometimes helps

Ok, I came up with a few things. Most of that is just distraction though not really "working on things". Should I be "working on things"? I'm not even sure what I mean by that though or how to do so. . . Solve things. . . Work through problems. . . Work out how to not struggle with mental health stuff anymore???

Sorry that was long. I'll see if writing helped this time. . .

[treasure]

writing is good - it's how i best express myself too. you could take your previous posts to your dr or your counsellor to help express things there.

depression has a nasty way of making you think too much, feeling like there's something you need to figure out, if only you thought about it more. planning for the future is good, but you need to stop if it makes you feel sad or focus too much on your thoughts. talking over with someone else is often really helpful.

foccussing on other people is really good, but in moderation, not every day. looking after yourself is meant to be the priority (which is definitely hard for me).