moon raver's before and after masterpost

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, this incident occurred last night
what had happened just before?
i was lying in bed trying to sleep, and i was thinking about things. i thought about how nobody believed me when i reported my rape, about how everybody says everything i do is for attention.
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt hurt and angry
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
when i thought about the last time i was restrained at the hospital, the first time as an adult, when people said i was getting angry for attention
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
see above
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep, unbalanced eating
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
sleeping
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
sleeping
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will write it on my hand/arm and snap a rubber band
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it isn't resolved because i'll still think about it, self harm won't make it go away
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, i will feel angry when i am in that place again
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will color, write a story, try some other grounding techniques

[moon raver]

i guess this urge was a result of feeling impulsive, i don't have my ad/hd med prescription, because the stupid doctor at the stupid fucking hospital didn't write one because they didn't have it at that one specific hospital.
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
uhhh, i guess not. i just felt desperate to cut.
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
i was feeling longing for self harm and like i could easily do it with nobody finding out
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i took a shower, put lotion on my arms, legs, elbows, knees, and feet (diabetics, you know my pain...) and gave myself a manicure with new products i had just bought from the dollar store
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
yes, because i was about to take my blade with me into the bathroom, but decided against it at the last minute, because i didn't really want to self harm.
Why do I think they worked?
because it was honoring the self protective instinct
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i don't know, i never figured out what led to the urge

[treasure]

How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i don't know, i never figured out what led to the urge

you could use these coping methods when you're in physical pain or when you're frustrated (i would guess that not getting your prescription was frustrating). hopefully you can identify those times but even if you can't, knowing that there's an urge to si means you're feeling -something- and these things can help some of the time.

good on you for beating this without si!

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
i have
what had happened just before?
i was thinking about how nobody believed me when i reported that i was raped
what were you thinking and feeling?
pretty shitty. i felt that i was worthless and trash and maybe i did make it up and oh god i'm an attention seeking manipulative brat for doing that
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because i'm stupid. no it's because i just felt it was the right time to do it
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have gone inside and played video games or gone to sleep
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
sLEEP
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried writing poetry and it worked only a little bit
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could have slept or drawn a picture (a happy one)
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i could do the rubber band thing and write it on my hand (in purple ink!!)
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it's not resolved, i was still raped and still nobody believes me
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, i think about it all the time
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will read a book i will online window shop i will draw a happy picture

[treasure]

that sounds like a really difficult feeling to cope with, do you have anyone to talk to about it? could you look at trying to find a sexual abuse hotline that you can call when those thoughts and feelings come up? there's a phone and online hotline run by rainn - https://ohl.rainn.org/online/

[moon raver]

that sounds like a really difficult feeling to cope with, do you have anyone to talk to about it? could you look at trying to find a sexual abuse hotline that you can call when those thoughts and feelings come up? there's a phone and online hotline run by rainn - https://ohl.rainn.org/online/

hotlines always baker act me and i'm terrified of that because that's when it happened, at a crisis hospital.
but yeah i could try that link.

[Scarlett_]

A lot of them are anonymous, you wouldn't have to give your details.

Is there any coping mechanisms other than distracting yourself that you have? Distraction is great, but sometimes pushing things away just mean they come back. Is there any kind of relaxation exercises you could use? Sometimes I use pros and cons to help me make a really measured out choice about doing something. Looking at the benefits and downsides.

[moon raver]

A lot of them are anonymous, you wouldn't have to give your details.

Is there any coping mechanisms other than distracting yourself that you have? Distraction is great, but sometimes pushing things away just mean they come back. Is there any kind of relaxation exercises you could use? Sometimes I use pros and cons to help me make a really measured out choice about doing something. Looking at the benefits and downsides.

i like observing a lot. i just sit with my emotion and let it run its course while i tell myself "i feel ______." It's just an emotion, it can't hurt me."

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, this was last night
what had happened just before?
my grandfather was watching the news. he said that the girl who got dragged across the classroom by the school resource officer should have been expelled from school for texting
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt hurt, and insulted. i was kicked out for less, and when i went to an alternative school, the boys there molested me
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because i was so angry (hurt, like my needs weren't being met)
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have chosen not to argue and instead gone to my room and laid down
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
probably lack of sleep. i was pretty tired.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried talking to the rainn online hotline it only made it worse
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
maybe sleeping, reading, drawing
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will write it on my hand in sharpie and i will make a poster for my room
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it is not resolved, i was still molested at school by that boy
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, if i'm triggered. i will recognize it by a feeling that i stepped out and somebody else took over
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
sleeping, reading, drawing
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
i was really angry
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
i made one. i had to go and get the tools to SH
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
i would have gone to sleep
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
decreased
What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
having the right tools, being alone, having the right feeling
If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel?
pretty shitty like there's nothing i can do to help myself now

[moon raver]

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
No
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
I thought I was just depressed
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
I slept
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
Yes
If No - What coping skills got me through?
Sleeping
Why do I think they worked?
I was very tired
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
I could write about it

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
i have. they're mostly closed by now, as the incident of sh was hours ago
what had happened just before?
I saw a picture on tumblr depicting a rape
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i just knew it would take away the memories
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
when i went to my room i could have used a coping skill. i could have looked online for dbt coping skills for flashbacks
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
no
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i could write in my recovery journal, I could make resource lists
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
i could work on developing my coping skills
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yes, unfortunately I'm easily triggered
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will try these three things:
taking a walk
writing a letter to my girlfriend
and doing yoga

[treasure]

hi moon raver.

how you answer the questions is up to you, but i was wondering if you could think about the question below and see if there are other things it might bring up.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

i'm wondering how was your mood before seeing the tumblr post? did you know you were going to look at something potentially triggery, like does tumblr or that specific page often have upsetting posts?

learning to deal with abuse/trauma triggers is really hard, it's something i'm trying to figure out with my t at the moment. i think you can deal with them easier if you have support, and it helps if you have ways of keeping yourself in balance - able to avoid getting too stressed or tired or overwhelmed - so that you feel stronger.

[moon raver]

hi moon raver.

how you answer the questions is up to you, but i was wondering if you could think about the question below and see if there are other things it might bring up.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

i'm wondering how was your mood before seeing the tumblr post? did you know you were going to look at something potentially triggery, like does tumblr or that specific page often have upsetting posts?

learning to deal with abuse/trauma triggers is really hard, it's something i'm trying to figure out with my t at the moment. i think you can deal with them easier if you have support, and it helps if you have ways of keeping yourself in balance - able to avoid getting too stressed or tired or overwhelmed - so that you feel stronger.

I didn't know I would see something triggering. It was a new blog that I had never gone to before, and it was not tagged.

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes
what had happened just before?
I felt like I was a fake and a liar
what were you thinking and feeling?
I thought about how I'm always faking that I'm okay when I'm really not
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I just had the opportunity for self harm
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
No
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I didn't try anything
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Probably talking or texting a friend
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Write on my hand and snap a rubber band
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
No. I'm still faking but now I'm not as upset as I would be had I not cut
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yes. I will feel melancholy
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying
Make bracelets
Study
Write

[treasure]

I'm sorry you have to fake being ok. In my experience si and faking being ok were almot the same - i was trying not to burden other ppl and avoiding what seemed like the inevitable rejection or let-down when ppl were sick of trying to help me. Many ppl still helped me though, they thought the burden of listening and helping was worth it. I hope you can reach out to ppl next time you feel like si-ing.

[moon raver]

ok so i've decided that since some people consider purging to be a self harming behavior, i will put it here along with cutting.

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
N/A
what had happened just before?
i was eating a bedtime snack, and i thought about my friend who recently died
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt guilty, and upset, because she probably died thinking nobody loved her, when i thought about her every day since i left that house. i loved her like a much older sister. i wish i had stayed and done half the things she did for me.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because i was already eating, why not b/p?
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
it was more planned than that actually, i ate with the intention of purging, chewing methodically as i usually do.
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
no, actually, probably lack of sleep. i'm tired. and i just got out of the hospital where i had an ordeal and i will talk about that in another post...
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
it was kind of impulsive but also planned if that makes sense. that's my way of saying i tried shit before purging.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
probably talking to my mom. she's been supportive since i first heard the news.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
nothing, i feel like i have to b/p to be whole again. hey, at least i'm being honest, right?
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
better, sleepy, like listening to some halsey and lana del rey and going to sleep
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yeah i've been constantly thinking about her since i heard of her death
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
writing
music
skype

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes
what had happened just before?
i can't remember. i was just thinking about how i had cuts that said "fat" while i was in *Literally Satan's Playhouse* and i had showed it to another patient, and she said it wasn't true. then, after i cut the word "fat" into myself, i cut the word "liar" because they didn't believe me when i said i'd been raped there
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt violated. hurt. hurt by a sudden but inevitable betrayal. (firefly reference, for all you non-geeks lol)
when i was in the hospital (which i now call Literally Satan's Playhouse for obvious and not so obvious reasons) i was sexually assaulted and they said it was silliness, it didn't happen, and we would never speak of it again. it made me so fucking angry, like i wanted to cry and punch the doctor in his big fat nose (no offence to anybody with big fat noses, it's just that his particular nose pissed me off because of what he said, all noses are beautiful)
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because i felt like it.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
first, i was looking at thinspo, and felt fat. then i remembered what i remembered, and felt the need to cut, i could have not looked at thinspo, but let's be honest here. thinspo is an addiction, just like drugs, alcohol, food, or self harm
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
probably being off my meds. they didn't give me meds in the hospital when i went there a few days ago until today for a mental health tune up (explain to me how a fucking mental hospital thinks that being off celexa and not replacing it with another antidepressant will make you better?)
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried listening to twenty one pilots, but it was apparently the wrong song (guns for hands) because the beginning
("When the sun shines on the ground
And shows what you have done
It shows where your mind has gone
And you swearing to your parents
That it will never happen again")
just made me want to do it more. i guess it triggered me more, so i need to avoid this particular song when i haven't self harmed in a while.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could have switched songs, i could have come on here, i could have not created the opportunity to self harm, etc.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
post them on my wall and snap a rubber band
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now?
i feel better, if only for a little while. i know the pain of the actual harm will bother me later, but right now i like it.
is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it's not resolved. i need to talk with my therapist about it. maybe ask her about trauma focused CBT therapy
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i will recognize it by a desperate feeling, like i will explode if i don't cut
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
talk to my mom or grandma
play with my new stim toys
use any of my plethora of coping skills that i've collected over the years
What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
it just felt like i would cry if i didn't cut
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
i made one. i had to gather something to SH with, i had to lock my door so my brother didn't walk in, i had to turn on music so nobody would hear me
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
probably called my grandma threatening suicide. which is not a good way of handling it.
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
increased, then eventually decreased
What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
all of the above, as well as having a moment to myself
If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel?
suicidal

[treasure]

good on you for returning to b&a, moon raver. i hope answering the questions gave you some insight, although i've asked some more questions that might make you think some more if you are up to it.


*challenging*

thinspo is an addiction, just like drugs, alcohol, food, or self harm

i don't think that is true. an eating disorder is not quite the same as an addiction, and a behaviour that you choose (what you look at, or self harm) may be more likely due to a disorder but it *is* still within your control.

probably being off my meds

i currently have a mood tracker (optimism) that includes not taking meds as a trigger. if you can make yourself aware of triggers they will have less of an impact or you can find ways to react to them with awareness rather than instinct. do you keep track of your mood or your triggers?

it's not resolved. i need to talk with my therapist about it. maybe ask her about trauma focused CBT therapy

i currently have a therapist who has a trauma focus and i find it very helpful. she uses dbt and acceptance therapy more than cbt (although can use parts of both)

it just felt like i would cry if i didn't cut

is that so bad? what would that have felt like, or looked like?

[moon raver]

good on you for returning to b&a, moon raver. i hope answering the questions gave you some insight, although i've asked some more questions that might make you think some more if you are up to it.
i don't think that is true. an eating disorder is not quite the same as an addiction, and a behaviour that you choose (what you look at, or self harm) may be more likely due to a disorder but it *is* still within your control.
i currently have a mood tracker (optimism) that includes not taking meds as a trigger. if you can make yourself aware of triggers they will have less of an impact or you can find ways to react to them with awareness rather than instinct. do you keep track of your mood or your triggers?
i currently have a therapist who has a trauma focus and i find it very helpful. she uses dbt and acceptance therapy more than cbt (although can use parts of both)
is that so bad? what would that have felt like, or looked like?

By "addiction" I meant comparing it to my food addiction, which is a compulsive behavior. I feel like I need to do it. But yeah, I agree that it isn't an addiction in the traditional sense.
I was off my antidepressants because they didn't give them to me in the hospital for a few days (like, what?) so I had no control over that but I could keep a trigger journal.
I wrote a letter to my therapist talking about my trauma, so that should make it easier to talk about it.
I guess it wouldn't have been so bad...

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
they were just tiny scratches, nothing that would require any medical attention or even first aid
what had happened just before?
i was thinking about me and my boyfriend's first date, where we were on the porch and it was a tight spot, and he put his hands around my waist to help me get around him, and it reminded me of past abuse
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because i was triggered
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have not self harmed
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i haven't eaten all day due to food and body image issues
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i could write on my hands, something like "strong" or "calm"
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it's not resolved, i haven't talked to my boyfriend about it
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i don't know, if i talk to him about it he will respect my wishes to not be touched
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will try these three things:
doing yoga
writing
painting