Mustard Seed - Before

[Mustard Seed]

Just to provide some context:
The reason for every one of my SI, SH, ED and SU efforts is always some interaction with a human being.

Usually it's a human masquerading as emotionless authority, like a self-righteous government worker or "official" who treats me like shit because apparently that's the official policy of the human race.

The reason why it triggers such massive attacks is that it reinforces the realization that I don't matter. I'm just a number, or worse, not even worthy of a number. I'm a mistake.

Even worse than that, it reinforces the realization that all forms of human authority rest on the premise that plebeians like me are worthless. Humans (or at least those who have made the rules) will never let us forget it. You're only as good as your ability to feed the machine. If not, you are nothing but a minor annoyance.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  It will make me feel like I did something about it.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It won't do anything to help the situation, but it'll distract me from it, numb my mind and nerves, and give me at least 5 minutes of release.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  To be honest, even in my "happy" moments I want death. So I guess this is getting me closer to that goal. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  5 minutes. Then I'll probably sleep. But I won't be able to sleep without at least 5 minutes of escape.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  Whatever it is, it has to shut down my brain completely. Not just a distraction like listening to music or watching a film or going outside for a walk. I've tried those, and my brain keeps churning. I have to literally shut off my brain, and as far as I know, that can only be done with alcohol, drugs or physical pain.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  Everything will reset after I SI and sleep. Tomorrow will be just another day.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  *lang*
  I wish to fucking hell that I could have the one thing I've never had in life, not from friends, family, lovers or even strangers. And that is for someone to fight to protect me, to show me that I'm worth something. I swear to fuck, if I could just have that 1 time, it would change everything. I just wish for fucking once someone would say, "I'll take care of everything. You don't have to SI. Just go right to sleep and everything will be fixed in the morning. I will fight this battle for you, because you matter."

[treasure]

*challenging*

if I could just have that 1 time, it would change everything.

i don't think that is true because i don't think you've gone through life with 100% of interactions leaving you worse off. it might be high enough to round up to all the time, to protect yourself from hurt, but i don't think 1 affirming and helpful person would change your mind.

like a self-righteous government worker or "official" who treats me like shit because apparently that's the official policy of the human race.

that's one interpretation of events. another might be that people over the phone are powerless to do anything so they have to deflect your questions. or that there are assholes in every job, particularly in govt positions, and you unfortunately had to talk to one. the alternative versions have just as much evidence, and they can help you have a better opinion of yourself and the world. sometimes you just need to take some time to talk back to your thoughts and make sense out of them, because your brain makes all sorts of hasty assumptions and tricks you into thinking something that isn't necessarily true. eg https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases

[Mustard Seed]

Thanks for the challenges, Treasure. It really gets me thinking.

You're right that 1 superhero wouldn't change my mind, but it would definitely give me the strength to carry on for a few years before I succumb again. My story is that both my parents were self-pitying weaklings who always got cheated. As a result we lived with extreme hardships, financial as well as social.

Not only did I watch my parents ruin the family by getting robbed & cheated blind, NOT ONCE did they ever stick up for me or protect me as a child, all the way until I left home. If I got bullied in school, beat up, harassed or abused. I was on my own. How the fuck is a 7 year old supposed to deal with getting beat up EVERY DAY, and the parents' only help is to tell me I need to run away and God will punish my attackers?

So anyways, fast forward to my adult years. I still cling to those traumas of childhood, never having a defender, a protector or a guardian in any sense of the word. To this day, I can't think of a single person who has ever stuck up for me, except once when I was in a car crash, a bystander jumped in to see if I was ok and stayed with me until the ambulance came. I remember that though it was 10 years ago. So you see, I do appreciate those rare (nonexistent) times when someone protects me. I really do think it would change my attitude to feel that just 1 more time.

Back to the government workers treating me like shit, you're right, I don't get it every time but when I do get that asshole, he/she really causes some damage to my self esteem as well as my faith in the world. Because suddenly I'm that 7 year old kid getting beat up, or more to the point, being punished by a teacher (authority figure) for something I didn't do. That happened a lot in school because I had a stutter that made people think I was lying whenever I tried to explain or defend myself.

I'm just a big fucked up mess. I've traced the problems back to the source (vulnerability as a child), but that still doesn't help me survive as an adult in a hostile world. I'm sorry, I didn't meet your challenge very well, but at least it felt good to spill some of this stuff out. Thanks, I mean that.

[treasure]

I didn't meet your challenge very well, but at least it felt good to spill some of this stuff out.

i think you answered very well.

i have issues with pain/trauma and not being protected as a child. for me, parts of my psyche are protectors of the inner child. part of me reacts in anger and that protects me - even though i still don't know how to deal with the anger and usually turn it inward. i sometimes think of myself as having an inner protector - i imagine it as a dragon - and having those sorts of mental images can help deal with triggers to old pain/trauma.

it's not okay that your parents didn't protect you. it's not okay that people made fun of you. it's frustrating that we can't change the past, but it is possible to heal from it, at least i think/hope that is the case

[Mustard Seed]

Treasure, your post really made me feel good... imagining a dragon as an inner protector. I'm not sure why, but that's soothing to me so I think I'll steal your strategy Maybe it'll make it easier to manage who I am, whether it's the vulnerable child or the fierce protector. Because a lot of the time I get confused and don't know how to react. That turns to frustration, then anger, and like you said that can turn inward. So next time a situation comes up, I'll choose which "me" is in the seat.

The weekend was mostly safe because I didn't have to interact with anyone and took the opportunity to watch lots of stupid tv shows. Today was tense, being a weekday, but I made it with no disasters. Thanks again for your help & insight.

[Scarlett_]

I love that inner protector idea