Mustard Seed - After

[Mustard Seed]

After:

• what had happened just before?
  I had to argue for 45 mins on the phone with some government worker who wasn't listening to a thing I said and who treated me like some meaningless piece of paper to be filed, or thrown in the trash.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  I was thinking that this is indicative of my entire life. I am neither entitled nor deserving of being treated as anything more than a nuisance because that's the nature of life on earth. Everything is either a nuisance, a threat, or food.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  I always have the urge to destroy myself, but it's pronounced after I have to deal with people because it only reminds me of the above.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  Aside from magically making people not treat other people like crap, and aside from existing completely outside the human race, I don't see any course of action that could avoid the pain and frustration leading to my reaction.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  No outside factors. I've actually been very physically healthy. I can't even hide behind an excuse like drugs. The problem is all me, the way I am.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  I tried listening to music, then playing the piano. It kept me occupied, but the second the music stopped I launched into destruction.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  I can't think of any coping methods that would have a lasting effect. Distractions are temporary.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  N/A
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  No, it's not resolved. Tomorrow I'll have to talk to humans again, maybe even the same one. It doesn't matter.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  I recognize it already.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  I can't think of a single thing. It will happen every time. I've been toying with the idea of getting drunk, but that might just lead to more uninhibited and violent self destruction. Or maybe I'll pass out first. I suppose that's the general idea behind alcoholism and drug use.

[treasure]

long calls with govt workers are usually hellish experiences. maybe some of the normal frustration and humiliation got translated by your brain into confirming your belief that "I am neither entitled nor deserving of being treated as anything more than a nuisance because that's the nature of life on earth"? having experiences and feelings that confirm that belief doesn't mean it is true.

it might help to write down some of the thoughts and feelings that happen during or just after a phone call/contact like that. that gives you something to deal with besides the heavy burden of feeling undeserving/worthless. that feeling is a burden, and it's not easy to deal with, but some of the feelings that come earlier - they might be helped by doing something self-soothing and caring for yourself. something like making and drinking a cup of tea, having a shower, going for a walk etc.

[Mustard Seed]

Thanks, Treasure, that helps a lot. I think I'll do exactly what you suggested: tea & hot shower (it's raining too hard for a walk). It is really difficult when I have experiences that seem to confirm my worthlessness. Unfortunately I have many of those in my near future (more dealings with government and legal issues, and neither of those is EVER good for one's self esteem).

[Mustard Seed]

DIFFERENT DAY SAME ANSWERS

I just wish government workers and other officials would realize that we are human beings. No, more to the point, I wish they would realize that THEY are human beings.

Today is just a replay of the last. Nothing has changed except that I got a little more violent with myself. Tomorrow more of the same. I'm trying like hell to break out of this, but they won't stop.

[Mustard Seed]

My answers are very different today. I suppose that goes to show that there's no 1 reason for all of this. Nothing I can rationalize at least.

• what had happened just before?
  Nothing unusual. Woke up. Got it into my head that I need to do it. Did it.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  I was thinking of what a struggle it is every day, thinking today I'll opt not to fight it.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  It sounds like a joke, but the final straw was waking up. It was a brand new day, but existence was just too much to bear.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  This is a stretch, but maybe getting better sleep would help. But aside from taking sleeping pills I don't think there's a way of ensuring a deep, uninterrupted sleep. Just too many things in my head.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  Maybe interrupted sleep, that's all I can think of.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  This time I didn't try to fight it. It happened so fast, and it crossed my mind that I could try to distract myself, but I didn't feel up to battle today.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  Not when it hits like this, when I don't even want to bother coping.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  N/A
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  No, I don't think it'll ever be resolved, and that's the terrifying part. Unlike real world problems that can be fought, this problem has to do with the way my brain is wired. And as much as it's a mess, I don't want to change my brain. What would be the point, to be someone new?
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  Yes, it happens every few days.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  This time my answer is the same as before:
  "I can't think of a single thing. It will happen every time. I've been toying with the idea of getting drunk, but that might just lead to more uninhibited and violent self destruction. Or maybe I'll pass out first. I suppose that's the general idea behind alcoholism and drug use."

[Mustard Seed]

*SIGH* after again, just a few hours later

• what had happened just before?
  I was trying to buy something online, something to make myself feel better. The ad said free shipping, but that didn't work out. With shipping added to the total, I didn't have enough moneuy in my account to afford it. So total epic fail.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  I was thinking that this day is just hopeless, so I might as well stop trying to fight it. Just ride it to destruction.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  The disappointment of trying to do something so trivial yet failing.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  The day was doomed from the start (see post above). I feel like an idiot for even trying to make myself feel better.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  None.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  When the urge hit, I actually tried one last time to beat it. I fixed myself a salad and told myself I would keep my body healthy, if not my mind. That didn't work.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  I was actually pretty proud of the one I tried, but it wasn't enough. I'm all out of ideas.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  N/A
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  It's resolved in the sense that this episode is behind me. But I'm still in such a messed up state, I think the next disappointment will send me right over the edge again.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  The whole day is that emotional place. It just needs to end already.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  I basically answer this one the same every time. I think the only thing that will prevent it is if I somehow numb myself. That can be accomplished with drugs (prescription or not) or alcohol. All of which I'm against, but in my desperation the idea is sounding more and more worthwhile

[treasure]

I fixed myself a salad and told myself I would keep my body healthy, if not my mind. That didn't work.

you said it made you feel proud of trying - that's a postive. did it distract or delay the si? if it helps at all, that's good.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

i think you need to think about this a bit more. if you have no other alternatives besides si, then si will be the default and will be difficult to prevent. it sounds like you don't want to stop right now, that holding onto si helps somehow, gives you a quick fix to every issue. part of you wants to understand the urges, or you wouldn't be posting here, but is it a big enough part of you to help push you into trying (and committing) to come up with alternatives to si?