- It probably won't. I don't know. maybe I'll feel better, or at least won't feel urgy for awhile. maybe S will realize that things are more serious than he acts like they are.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
-it will probably bering shame. and guilt. but I already feel guilty right now, so it doesn't matter. maybe it will make me feel less anxious for awhile. it will help relieve some of the tension I'm feeling right now. it will help me feel, period.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
- I'd like to be able to put SI behind me for good. I hate that I feel the need to hurt myself. I hate that it feels like the only thing that will work at times. I hate that job and relationship stress has this much control over my mental state. I'd likely be mad later that I gave in to the urge. But at the moment its hard to make myself care about that. sometimes it doesn't feel like its worth the fight.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? The relief will likely last for anywhere from several hours, to several days.... just depends.... I will try other coping mechanisms if I begin to feel urgy again.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? I've already journaled. I've talked to a friend about the issues some. .I've tried to make headway in looking for jobs. I tried to talk to S.... I could try other ways to distract myself... It might last for awhile, but avoidance never works long term.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
- I'll probably be mad at myself. but then I'll move on. I'm just tired of battling the urge for 4 hours now. Maybe S would be more aware of how the things he says affect me. maybe he'd try to be more considerate. I just wish he'd try to understand or take seriously how I'm feeling when I try to talk to him. Its taken me a long time to get comfortable with trying to talk about my feelings with him, and his actions imply he doesn't think its that big of a deal. I've already tried most of the things I've come up with. If I just try to distract myself and push the feelings away, then i'll likely end up feeling it all over again tomorrow, so I'm not sure what the point of trying to stop now is. I really want to cut right now. I really want to step away from my friend I'm with so I can just make these racing thoughts and anxious feeling stop. I don't know how to best honor that instinct other than to recognize that maybe the urge to si is just my mind/body's attempt to protect me from myself? Idk.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
-Several things at the moment. I feel like I let S down. he's mad at me for not really wanting him to join A and I to do work... We had planned to spend the afternoon evening sitting at a cafe working on school/work stuff and I was going to crank out job applications. He invited himself, but I talked to him about it because its the last time for her and I to get to spend time together before she leaves tomorrow and I didn't want him to distract me from the stuff we need to get done. He got offended. stopped talking to me. He said that if I didn't want him to come, he wouldn't come. I asked him not to be mad at me and he said nothing. I told him I'm not really at a place where I can handle him being mad at me, and he again said nothing... and then I told him I feel like I let him down, and again, silence. Before A and I left I asked him if he was mad, and he just looked at me and shrugged and said "I don't know what there is to talk about right now." On top of that, I'm beginning to freak out about whether or not I'm going to have a job. I left the system I was employed with last school year, and the other system I want to work for is delayed in posting their jobs.. So I'm sending my resume to private practices and trying to see what I can do.. but I'm freaking out about whether or not I'll even be able to get a job in my field, or if I'll be able to make enough to keep us okay financially.. and we have to decide whether or not to renew our lease in the next 5 days.... I'm just overwhelmed and feeling too many things at once right now.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
- I've dealt with relationship stress in different ways.... sometimes SI. sometimes trying to talk it out. sometimes drinking.... a lot of the time drinking
But I've now poured out all the alcohol, so thats not an option, and since that was basically avoidance, I felt worse later anyways. I've dealt with work stress in similar ways.... I think work is really what triggered this relapse back in April. I've just never had a relapse last this long... and I thought it would get better or easier once the school year was over. I feel guilty later when I use alcohol or SI to avoid dealing with things, but its only hurting myself, so in my mind I feel like its not as bad. What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
-I've journaled. I'm answering these questions. I've come to sit and try to work on things with A. I've tried to be productive by looking for other job opportunities. I'm going to help A with something she has to write, which will be added distraction... Maybe it will help me feel better by feeling like I'm helping her?
How do I feel right now? I still feel anxious and urgy, even after taking an hour to answer all of these questions. I just wish I could turn the feeling off.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself? Relief. Release. I'll hate that it came to SI to bring some perceived relief, but I'll feel better in the moment.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? i'll feel relief for awhile. I might be mad at myself tomorrow. but I'd get past it. the part I'd hate the most is having to tell S or A what happened. but maybe S would be willing to try to be more supportive, idk. I'd dread telling my therapist too. She wouldn't judge me for it. I'm just afraid of her telling me that I need more intensive treatment.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I wish avoidance were an option....but I have to face it eventually. I think procrastination makes it worse...
Do I need to hurt myself?
Need or want? I've been told they aren't the same thing (and really, in my head, I know they aren't the same...) but at times I feel like they are... *shrugs*
