slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.
- have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
I did. - what had happened just before?
Nothing "happened"... I have been feeling really, REALLY depressed the past few weeks, feeling extremely suicidal, lots of urges.... I kept waiting and waiting for the feelings to go away but they never subside. Finally, being at work, I had a sterile tool and had an opportunity and decided it would help. - what were you thinking and feeling?
Thinking about my (abusive) ex. Feeling depressed, used, suicidal, worthless, waste of space, just... ugh. - why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I don't really know. I had access to a safe tool, and I was alone from anyone else, and I had a lot of medical supplies to clean up, so I suppose that influenced my decision. - how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
idk if there was a final straw but i just have been feeling so hopeless, worthless, suicidal, just... horrible. - were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep and missing a dose of my meds, for sure. it was also my bday week which like... i get super depressed before and after my bday... my first bday without my ex and i have issued No Contact (she was stalking me for a long time) and i just... felt tempted to check in on her and see if she even remembered it was my bday... remembering how she never once put in any effort for my bday...
meds i can address in the future, like being more responsible with my dosing, and i did drink alcohol the night before which may have influenced my decision. i am slowly phasing out alcohol, i didn't drink a lot last night so i am doing better. idk - what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
talking to people, venting on a blog, waiting it out/sitting with my feelings, buying things, working really hard, taking care of animals, eating my feels, drinking a little bit... having people spend time with me did help a bit bc i was supervised and while i wasn't happy, i appreciate ppl spending time w me even when i'm a depressed lump. but nothing helped (not even SI) - in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
idk - name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
idk - how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
no, it's not. i still feel worthless. i still feel depressed. i didn't feel the way i used to feel when i SI'd regularly. i feel like i failed at SI. idk how to resolve this. i have a dr appt on tuesday so i guess one way to resolve this is to discuss this with her. ugh. - are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes. - what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
filling out a before sheet. i didn't but i should have before i did.
calling someone and just talking about it.
drawing on myself and writing on myself instead of slipping.
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
- What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
i was alone, had medical supplies, had a sterile tool... so like, harm reduction? i knew i was safe doing so, i knew i wasn't going to get caught doing it. - Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
it was there for the taking - What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
idk... gee. probs another unhealthy coping method. - If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
increased, probs. my urges have been increasing for the past week or two. on my bday i couldn't leave my house to go for a walk in the sunshine bc i was thoroughly convinced i would attempt SU. i used to walk with a dog, who kept me safe, and now i don't have dog. so i just battled SI urges and curled up on the couch crying until someone came to my house hours and hours later. and things have been getting worse since. - What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
proper tools that i feel comfortable and safe using. being alone helps, but i can find an opportunity in any bathroom. proper tools would have to be a big factor. also, feeling like there's no other option, feeling like its the only thing keeping me away from the edge of SU - If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
helpless, maybe..or desperate.
