early's B&A Extravaganza

[early]

Hi all. I'm tentatively willing to explore urges/triggers/motivations, so I'm giving before and after a try. Responses/challenges are generally welcome but not expected. I'm just trying to get some of this out of my head and into another format.

[early]

Before/Maybe Hopefully Instead

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I was triggered by the feeling of healing cuts that I can still feel but are no longer painful, and I can't stop thinking about how I want them to hurt again.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I'm not really sure that I have been here before. It's a situation unique to cutting regularly but not frequently, which I'm kind of new at.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I'm trying to wait it out, which is not easing the discomfort exactly. So maybe the answer is nothing. I could try doing some sort of self care and seeing if that would make a difference.
• How do I feel right now?
  Antsy.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Calm. And also stupid.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  After I'll feel stupid and relieved at the same time. Tomorrow morning I'd probably just feel normal.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can't avoid it except by not SIing at all. And I actually think I'm dealing with it okay right now by trying to answer all of these questions.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  No. It would be nice though.
• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  The nagging urge will go away, but nothing else will change.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  Bring to the situation: calmness, blank-slate feeling. Take away from the situation: urge.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  In the long run, I want to know that I SIed because I needed to, not just whenever I feel like it. If I hurt myself now, it'll probably not help with my feeling less negatively about my SI.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It'll last a week at best, a few hours at worst. Then I'll want to do it again.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could wait and try to let the urge/trigger pass. It'll take a few days, though. I can try to distract myself by watching TV/reading/cleaning. That would last as long as I'm doing it, but then the urge would still be there.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  If I hurt myself, tomorrow I'll feel relief, but maybe also feel guilty. If I try to wait it out, tommorrow I'll be really antsy and irritable. If I try to distract myself, I'm not really sure how I'll feel tomorrow.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I don't know what I really want to do right now. I don't even necessarily believe that it's the self-protective instinct that's poking at me. I just feel crazy.

[early]

Before/Maybe Hopefully Instead

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I don't know. I'm feeling really keyed up, I think because of the whole e-mail sending/receiving/responding/chat-meet-up thing. My heart is beating really fast and I'm so incredibly uncomfortable, and I know if I SI I would calm down.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Yeah, plenty of times. 90% of the time I deal with it with SI, and feel fine and/or guilty. 10% of the time I wait it out and it's very uncomfortable.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  So far I've tried watching TV (couldn't pay attention), catching up on bus (was nice, but now I'm done), cleaning (couldn't focus, kept stopping/pacing). I could try cleaning again, or go for a walk.
• How do I feel right now?
  Antsy. Keyed up. Shaky. Scared.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Blank.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  After: I'll feel "better," and maybe also guilty. Probably guilty, actually. Tomorrow I'll feel productive, and then I'll feel guilty for feeling productive.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can't really avoid when I get all panic-y for no reason, so no. And I think I'm dealing with it the best I can.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  I don't know. Probably not.
• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  The uncomfortably burn-y, skaky feeling will stop and be replaced by blank/calm.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  Bring to the situation: calm. Take away from the situation: panic.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I think I'm struggling to understand this question, but I'm leaving it here to think over later.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  The relief from this particular anxiety will last at least until I get a response to my e-mail, but it might last a few days even. I'm not really sure. Then it'll maybe be easier to handle.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I can get dressed and go for a walk. It'll help get out some of my nervous energy. I don't know how long it will last, but if I'm still feeling jumpy I'd probably SI afterward.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I have no way of predicting how I'll feel tomorrow.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I really want this whole e-mail conversation to be settled and done with, and I want the panic feeling to go away (which really requires that the whole situation/conversation be settled and done with). That is all going to take so long. I need to be doing something with my body to honor my self-protective instinct.

[treasure]

hi early,
have you done much with cbt before? i think there is a link between your feelings and waiting for an email - and that is probably your thoughts, self talk and beliefs that happened before/during the feelings. you could maybe try writing down some of what you thought when writing, sending and waiting for the email, and then try to write down, and think about, things in a more realistic or positive way if you can.

are there other people you can be around to help you expend some energy and then (just by their presence) they will help prevent you from si?
although activity can help some of the time, i think the best answer to anxiety is calming your breathing. do you have any techniques to help you do that?

[early]

Treasure, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I've done just the tiniest bit of CBT before, but it was a long time ago, and it was presented in a pretty subtle way, so it was helpful at the time but I didn't really retain the skills enough to apply it to other situations. I think you're probably right that there's something there between my panic and my thoughts about the e-mail. I have a really hard time "hearing" my own thoughts; if I don't subvocalize them, I'm not aware of having had them (even though in an intellectual way I'm sure that there are more thoughts there than the subvocalized ones). This makes me a bit resistant to the ideas of CBT, mostly because I feel like I'm accused of having thoughts I think I'm not having, even though I probably am having them, if that makes sense. (I realize that was not all entirely relevant to your comments or this B&A, I just wanted to get it out there.)

I'm making note of the techniques you've suggested (writing out my thoughts, trying to find other people (not an easy one for me), and breathing exercises (I don't have any yet, but I bet I can find some)). Thank you so much for your input.

[early]

Before

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I freaked out over all of the talking I did yesterday, and I'm emotionally exhausted, and I'm realizing that I can't just talk to someone once and have it be over; I'm going to have to do it again and again and again and it feels so big and scary. Thinking about it (which I can't seem to help) is making my heart beat really fast and reinforcing my anxiety.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I don't think I've been here before. I mean, except for just being overwhelmed, which I am always, and deal with in a variety of ways.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've tried to distract myself by reading the book I need to finish today, and by running short errands to get me out of the house. I can try eating something (but that's a whole different can of worms), or more reading, or maybe taking a nap, but none of those are very appealing. Taking a shower is appealing, but I already did that today, and I often SI when I get out of the shower, so I don't know if that would make the urge worse.
• How do I feel right now?
  Anxious. Scared. Like a burden on everyone I know. Like a mistake. Dizzy.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Calm, blank. Possibly frantic. Guilty, stupid.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  I'll feel like an idiot because I'd have to tell my wife about it. Tomorrow, I don't know.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  No, I definitely can't avoid it. I'm sure I can deal with it better, but I don't know how.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  Probably not.

(I feel like the "more" before questions cover most everything I need to get out, so this is just those.)

ETA: I think another thing I'm struggling with right now is that, in the never-ending-always-predicatable tic-tac-toe game between the part of myself that wants to fight and the part of myself that wants to just die already, the part of myself that wants to fight got in a lot of good moves yesterday, and I think I want to hurt myself just to prove that I can, that I haven't ceeded control of my whole life over to other people by telling them about all of my bullshit.

[early]

Before

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I'm... not sure? I think I might want to prove that I can, to see if it still works, because I want to see blood, because I want to, period, not because I need to. I've been through a lot in terms of trying to take care of myself the "right" way lately, and I just want to do something that will actually make me feel better instead of just making me feel like fixing myself is too much work.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  The last time I answered these before questions, if I recall correctly, I was also feeling like I wanted to to prove that I could. So this might be a response to reaching out for help that I need to learn to manage in a different want. (And I don't recall what I did to deal with it, but I assume I went through with SI and that it was a good experience, all things considered.)
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I haven't really tried anything so far. I'm definitely trying to get in on the front end of the urges today. I'm going to take a shower, maybe drink the Diet Coke I bought yesterday, and go visit my wife at work. I'll reevaluate the urge when I get home from that. I might also try to eat something.
• How do I feel right now?
  Terrified, but in a very intellectual way, not an anxiety based way. I'm equally afraid of myself (that I'll SU or do something really drastic SI-wise) and afraid that I'm making a big deal of nothing, that one day soon all of this is going to go away and people will think I made the whole thing up for attention, when in reality I hate attention and would rather be left alone. But I couldn't leave myself alone anymore, because I don't know how much longer I can fight like this.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Blank. Hopefully positive, but I might be annoyed if it doesn't go well (I've been having a hard time lately; ankles are not super reliable in terms of consistency, and I may need to move on).
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  I'll feel accomplished. (How's that for honesty, self?) I'll also feel a little silly, and a little hopeful that tomorrow will be easier.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can't avoid it, but I can deal with it better. I think, though, that it will probably go away on it's own when I feel more confident that reaching out and getting help is the right thing for me to doing. I'm hoping that's not far off.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  No, but it would be nice.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I really want to prove that I have control over my own life. I want to prove that I don't have to stop cutting if I don't want to. I want to prove that I'm capabale of keeping myself alive all on my own. These are perhaps not the purest of motivations. I don't know how to honor my self-protective instinct without cutting right now, though.

[treasure]

I really want to prove that I have control over my own life. I want to prove that I don't have to stop cutting if I don't want to.

this really resonated with me. when i originally stopped si-ing i didn't force myself to stop. i told myself i want to prove i have control over si and that i will si when i need to, not just because i am feeling a strong urge to do it. the feeling of wanting to si, so strongly that it feels like a need, the visual imagination and physical sensations of the si urge - that was controlling me, i was giving in to that. it was happening before i felt very much, before i was able to see i was only triggered by momentary feelings, not the overwhelming depression or despair or anger or anxiety that i had previously needed si to cope with.

I'm definitely trying to get in on the front end of the urges today.

that's good to hear. i admire that decision and hope it makes the day easier, and manageable with si.

[early]

treasure, I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your responding to my posts. I won't always get around to responding to your responses, but they give me something to think about when I'm struggling, so thank you.

[early]

Before

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I'm scared. I'm scared of never getting better, I'm scared of getting better, I'm scared that I deserve all of the pain that I feel on a near-daily basis. I'm scared that everyone in my life resents me. I'm scared that I will lose God and then have nothing to hold onto.
  
  (Hm. I had no idea any of that was going to come out. One question in and I'm already learning something major about this urge.)
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I probably spend a lot of time scared, but I don't know that it has made me want to SI before. Usually when I'm scared I just keep getting more and more agitated until I panic and have to have someone calm me down.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I'm posting here (both here in B&A, and I tried to work out some of this in my place). I can take a shower, read a little bit, and then go to bed.
• How do I feel right now?
  I feel like a fraud, because I'm still here and because I don't SI to the extent of my nightmares/fantasies.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  I'll be afraid of getting caught (not home alone right now). I'll feel stupid and worthless, but hopefully also feel calmer.
• How will I feel after hurting myself?
  I'll still feel stupid, and worthless, and scared. But I'll also feel more in control over myself.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I'm sure I can deal with it better, but right now I can't see how.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  No.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I really want to cut. I can't figure out what else is behind this. I think cutting is really soothing for me sometimes, especially when I'm worked up, so maybe the answer is that I want to soothe myself. I don't know another way to do that though, especially stuck in my apartment at night.

[treasure]

my go-to strategy for self-soothing is to pretend i have an inner child and to care for them. soothing/calming is often about your senses - warm drinks help with taste, touch and warmth, soothing music for sound, looking at photos or cute pictures or going into a garden or to a nice place helps with sight and touch.

feelings are not facts, i don't think everyone resents you or that you deserve pain. i hope soothing yourself will help, you can get through these feelings.

[early]

Thanks for the suggestions. I hadn't really connected soothing to taking care of my senses, but of course that's what it is, and that's much easier to get a grip on.

[early]

Okay, giving the after questions a try. May not stick with them, but I need something to do right now.
TW: *lang*

After

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  As much as I plan to.
• what had happened just before?
  Just before I took a shower in anticipation of SI. Just before that, I spent an hour online trying to double check and/or amend my suicide plan. And then I was like *fuck this noise, I'm cutting* because I didn't want to be doing that anymore.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  At what point? Generally, I'm feeling hopeless/thinking that I'm not going to be able to keep trying to fix myself long enough for it to work. When I was SIing, I was feeling a) successful/curious/determined and b) frustrated/impatient/angry at myself (two injuries, one session).
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  I finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist... for nearly June... during a week that I'm supposed to be traveling. I took it, because that was all they could offer, and I didn't know what to do. It left me feeling hopeless, though, which turned into suicidal pretty quickly, and I thought SI would probably be the best strategy given what I'm working with mentally right now.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  I don't think I could have done anything different. I could have been having a great day (I wasn't, really, though), and gotten that call and it would have ended the same way. I suppose you could argue that I should be in charge of my emotions and not let it get to me, but I'm not that in charge right now.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  I ate a bunch of crap this morning. I chose to do it, and it probably wasn't the best plan in terms of my health. But other than that, no outside factors.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  I didn't, really. The suicidal stuff hit me hard and I just wanted to jump straight to something that I knew would probably work before it got worse.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  I never know when to go outside of myself for help. I considered using a suicide chat-line, but for some reason it seemed like I should try cutting before I tried that. I have people I could call, but I hate the phone and I never feel like it's serious enough, even when the only thing stopping me from killing myself is the weather. In terms of other coping methods I could have tried that don't involve other people, I guess I could have tried harder to distract myself.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  I think I need to start a coping skills toolbox, whether that's a physical box or a list. That's simeltaneously not two things, and so big of a project that I'm going to leave it on its own.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  It's not resolved. I'm not sure how to resolve it. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, and I'm hoping that's something we'll discuss.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  I'm definitley likely to be in that place again (I'm still sort of in that place right now, trying to fight it by being here). It's pretty recognizable. No issues there.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  Honestly, I won't commit to trying any of these. Sometimes SI is just the right answer. But I may consider trying:
  1. If I'm suicidal, using the chat-line before I SI.
  2. Baking something, or cooking something for the freezer.
  3. Reading something comforting.

[early]

Before

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I had a really awful weekend, and I couldn't SI at all to cope with it, and I... kind of feel like I've earned it. (That sounds terrible. I'm a terrible person.)
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I can't recall having been here before, which may be something to note. If I don't normally feel like I've "earned" SI by surviving a tough period, maybe there's something else behind it that I'm not seeing.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I haven't really. I'm planning on finishing this, getting dressed, and doing chores (dishes/vacuuming/clean the bathroom/maybe also clean the shower). I also have to run an errand before I could SI, so I would do that first as well (I don't know if that counts as something that won't hurt me; the errand itself wouldn't, and getting out of the house is a distraction, but it's also kind of enabling). I could also try watching a movie that I have to return tomorrow to try and distract me.
• How do I feel right now?
  Low energy, beat up. I feel like I got tossed around in a tsunami and washed up on shore and I'm too exhausted to pick myself up and run away from the next one.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Blank, probably. Self-indulgent. A little afraid that I don't know my own limits anymore.
• How will I feel after hurting myself?
  Like a waste of space. But also highly satisfied.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I don't know how to avoid it. And because I haven't done anything yet, I think I'm dealing with it the best I can.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  No.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I want to be able to see how scared I am. I want to try and boost my mood for tomorrow so that I can get through the week. I want to feel in control. I don't know how else to honor that.

[noldo]

I just read your last entry and don't have much words but wanted to say that I can relate to some points really well and you're really really not a horrible person for feeling like you've 'earned' the self-harm (I have thought so myself at some points). I think it's really awesome that you're trying to deal with the before and after questions esp regarding how difficult things are for you right now and how honest you seem. I haven't tried the B&A questions for years but for me the before questions were kinda easier to deal with than the after questions. I also did the before questions way more than the after ones though. Just wanna say I'm really proud of you no matter if you cut or don't.

[early]

Before

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I'm feeling sick to my stomach from anxiety after telling my friend about what I've been going through lately, and nervous about a meeting I'm supposed to be at tonight. I'm also feeling... judged, because of something my friend said, even though she definitely didn't mean it in a judging way. I'm projecting my own insecurities onto it. And I'm frustrated with myself because I don't think I gave her a very good answer to what she asked, and I'm afraid I made myself look stupid.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  No, not really.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I went on a walk. I took out the trash and recyclables. I know I can do more cleaning, but I'm so antsy that I'm having a hard time being productive. I could sing, or pray, or walk to the liquor store and get a soda. I could also take a PRN.
• How do I feel right now?
  Anxious. Ashamed. Antsy.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  In control. So, so relieved.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  I'll feel good afterward, but tomorrow morning I'll be worried because the policy of the treatment program I'm in says that I have to tell and show them when I SI, and while I don't mind telling them, I wouldn't show them, and so I wouldn't know what to do.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can't quite identify "this stressor." Feeling anxious? Can't avoid it, but I'm sure I can deal with it in "better" ways than SI.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  No, but I want to.
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I really want to feel calm. I want to feel accomplished. I want to see blood, because I'm scared of being forced to stop. I don't know how to honor all of these. I'm going to take my PRN, and do some deep breathing, and clean up a bit. And then if I still want to SI, I'll revisit it.