moon raver's before and after masterpost

[moon raver]

i feel like i'll be spending a lot of time in this subforum, so i'll put all of my past and future posts here.

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i'm left alone with my brother. my mom and grandmother are at work and my grandfather is in bed. it's not necessarily a crisis, since i'm not suicidal, but i am pretty distressed about feeling alone and abandoned. he has adhd and he keeps saying vagina even though i've asked him repeatedly not to, then says "what word do you want me to stop saying?" and he keeps bringing up the past, like when i destroyed his house in minecraft (because he blew mine up) he just won't stop talking!!!!!
(questions have a bullet point and answers have the bullet point )

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it really won't change much. it will relieve tension, but that's pretty much it.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it won't change the situation at all, just my feelings about the situation, so i'm gonna have to say it would bring new feelings and take away feelings. it would bring feelings of relief and take away feelings of feeling trapped.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to have more patience with him instead of losing control.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
after i cut i usually do something to keep my mind off my feelings, so the relief is immediate, then i wander off and watch star trek or something. so maybe i should go and do that instead of cutting? just watch star trek and clean my room?
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could watch star trek and clean my room, but i would have to come out to get something to drink or just to check in with my brother, so it would last for a while
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
idk, he's right behind me watching me type so i can't concentrate
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
yes i could use my frustration coping skills
Do I need to hurt myself?
not really but i'm going to a little bit anyway

[jaded melody]

i could watch star trek and clean my room, but i would have to come out to get something to drink or just to check in with my brother, so it would last for a while

This sounds far preferable to me. I understand - my little brother has ADHD and Asperger syndrome and it can be incredibly frustrating but remember, harming yourself doesn't help the situation.

[treasure]

i've been feeling annoyed and trapped with a talkative and aggressive person at work lately, so i understand some of your frustration. something i've been trying to remember and learn is not to let someone else's issues add to your own. you can't change his behaviour and it's ok to be annoyed at his behaviour, so the only option is to find a way to distance yourself from the affects his behaviour has on you. something calming/grounding might help get rid of pent up feelings, or conversely something more active like cleaning could help. despite being powerless over your brother you are not powerless to control the situation and your feelings.

i hope you were able to avoid si but if not, i hope you are taking care of yourself and not berating yourself for it.

yes i could use my frustration coping skills

is that the same as the activities you mentioned, or something different? if you have other specific ways of coping with frustration i would love to hear them.

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
i have. they're mostly closed by now, as the incident of sh was hours ago
what had happened just before?
my mother had said she would spend time with me watching tv, i wanted to watch star trek and she wanted to watch the x files. i let her turn on the x files because i really just wanted to spend time with her. then my grandfather came in the room (name: poppa) and started talking about his dislike for a certain female celebrity, using words like "puta" which means "slut". i don't like that word because as a feminist, it feels like not only was he calling the celebrity the name, but it felt like he was calling me the name. so i said something along the lines of "you're not a woman, you are in no place to judge her" and my mother got angry and said "i';m a woman and i think she's a whore" then i was sent to my room for my rude comment (? why though, i have a right to feel comfortable in my own home) and i cried a bit, then when i was done crying (five minutes later) i self harmed. it wasn't very deep cuts, just surface scratches. i took care of the wound, then went back out of my room to try and explain the situation to them. poppa said that since i'm a feminist i must hate him because he's a man (no, i just hate the word he was using because it felt personal) and he's going to punish me by taking away my netflix privileges since i hate him so much. which only made me feel more abandoned. then my mom said i have no right to tell anybody what makes me uncomfortable, that's not for me to determine, and i was sent to my room again where i considered suicide, but i went on a pro ana website where i found i had a message, it was a girl who sent me a link to a local mental illness support place, so i suddenly felt better, like there was hope for me. i imagined a place where people would never make me feel like i'm trash. i anonymously sent the link to my mother on a fake facebook account i made just for sending her the message.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i just knew it would take away the pain of abandonment and victimization. there's never really any final straw, i just do it to feel better.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
when i went to my room i could have used a coping skill. i could have looked online for dbt coping skills for feelings of abandonment and victimization.
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i woke up really late and may or may not have taken my medication. i've missed my morning pills all week since sunday, but have taken my evening pills. in the future i could set a different alarm that would not allow me to turn it off and go back to sleep, and think of something to look forward to when the alarm goes off so i don't want to go back to sleep.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i don't have any coping skills for abandonment (imagined) but i do have coping skills for when i feel like my mother has hurt me. they are posted on my door. i could look at those and pick one next time. i could maybe go for a walk so i don't have my blades with me. i could watch a movie. i could write a letter to my girlfriend, i could play with my dogs.
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
i could work on my communication and interpersonal skills so that my mother wouldn't get so angry. there's no hope for poppa now, he's too sick. i just shouldn't talk to him as much as it hurts. i should cut toxic people out of my life, like poppa, and my aunt (not in this situation, but she has seriously hurt me in the past too)
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
it's easy to recognize the feeling of abandonment, because it just looks like i'm upset. i cry a lot (i cry heavily and for a long time, about a half hour) i will probably be in that situation again very soon because i always feel imagined abandonment
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will try these three things:
taking a walk
writing a letter to my girlfriend
and doing yoga

OPPORTUNITIES
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
i didn't really go out of my way to cut, i just happened to be sent to my room after an argument when i was feeling abandoned
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
right after my first suicide attempt, when my grandmother made me leave my door open, i would go into the shower to cut. so i guess if there was no opportunity this time, i would have made one.
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
it would have had no change, or increased. it depends on what my thinking was, and if i could use coping skills or make an opportunity to self harm
What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
just being alone with a closed door and having tools. but once i was in the hospital with no blades so i used a broken pencil. so i guess i just need privacy and anything to self harm with.
If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
i would feel very anxious and panicky. in another hospital they searched my room and took my blades and i felt dizzy and my legs and arms felt swollen. i recognized it as a panic attack. usually my panic attacks go from 0 to hyperventilating in seconds, but that time it didn't. i guess that's how i would feel if somebody took my blades.

[moon raver]

i didn't answer all the questions this time because i didn't feel like they all applied to this situation, or i've answered them before.
have you taken care of your physical wounds?
i've just got done and am waiting for the bleeding to stop. when it does i will do first aid.
what had happened just before?
i was helping my brother find clothes to watch the rocket launch (across the state of florida, it's visible from our house) and he screamed because his pants didn't fit like he wanted them to. my mom got angry at me like it was my fault, i just wanted him to be warm to go outside and watch the rocket. i felt victimized and cornered. like she was blaming me for something i didn't do. after i self harmed i realized how positive it is, because after i cut i felt so much better and i didn't yell back at her and cause a fight.
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt victimized and cornered. i felt like somebody who has all the power was trying to knock me down even though i'm so much nothing.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped?
i didn't try anything because i realized i would feel so much better after cutting and i did.
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
i feel better. my mom is asleep and i'm watching star trek.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes. i will recognize it when somebody does those things to me, but i won't recognize my feelings.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
watch star trek
write a letter
do yoga
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
opportunities aren't hard to find in this house, nobody really pays attention anymore. it was there for the taking.

[treasure]

i'm sorry that this incident happened. it sounds like you have a good plan for helping yourself move towards healthier coping methods.

*slight challenge*

you mention "imagined abandonment" which sounds a little bit like a phrase you have heard from somewhere rather than your own thoughts. the fear that people will leave you or abandon you can cause a person to be overly controlling to try and stop people leaving, or to sabotage relationships so that they don't have to live with the fear and worry and tension that it causes.
to me, it doesn't sound like that is in place in this incident. it sounds like your family were not respecting your opinion and that is something you have a right to feel hurt or angry about. while you can do things to help yourself or avoid toxic people, you are not to blame for their hurtful words and actions.

*end any challenging*

feeling invalidated and alone really hurts. contacting people online, or your gf, sound like helpful things to do to counteract some of those feelings. you could also try self-soothing and self-calming when/if you cry, because it's ok to cry and sometimes you need to fill a caring/mothering role toward yourself when there isn't someone there to fill that role. things like talking to yourself in a soothing gentle voice, saying it's ok, hugging yourself, patting a pet or soft toy, etc. if what went on happened to your gf or a friend of yours, how might you comfort that person? what would you do to help them feel better?

[treasure]

hi moon raver, welcome to b&a. i hope you don't mind me replying?

it sounds like maybe si in this case was self-punishment? it's a way to take on board criticism, or anger, or abuse and turn yourself into the attacker, so that you have control over how it hurts and you don't have to fight against the real attacker any more. si does release endorphins that make you feel better, but it's temporary. sometimes i think the si is needed but there are negative consequences, esp over time - it gets harder to fight to avoid si and it screws up how you cope with everyday problems.

i'm glad you have a tentative commitment to try other coping methods before si, i think it can really help just to try.

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
what had happened just before?
i asked if i could watch netflix, and my mom yelled at me about how my grandpa has been waiting all day to watch tv and i can't dictate the tv. that's not what i was trying to do! i just asked a question! so i went to my grandma to talk to her about it but she couldn't help me. she did try a little (it was a half assed attempt to say the least)
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt like nobody could help me. i felt hopeless and, yet again, abandoned.
why did you end up hurting yourself then?
pretty much just instant impulse gratification
how did the situation get to that stage?
one thing led to another and i ended up self harming
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried talking to someone. it didn't work because she couldn't help me. i felt like she wasn't really trying.
are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i can't think of anything else that might have helped right now. even as i was talking to my grandma i was thinking about cutting.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will remember to use my coping skills in the future by waiting 15 minutes. i could turn on the tv and use a coping skill until i feel better.
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it isn't resolved because even though the other people involved are over it and don't care, i want to fast tomorrow and the next day. i'm not going to eat all weekend.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i'll recognize it because i will start to get desperate for relief of my emotions
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
watching tv
writing a letter
drawing

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
i just felt like it was the right time to sh
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
it was there for the taking
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
i would have created an opportunity, i would have gotten in the shower to cut
If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
i would feel desperate

[moon raver]

you mention "imagined abandonment" which sounds a little bit like a phrase you have heard from somewhere rather than your own thoughts. the fear that people will leave you or abandon you can cause a person to be overly controlling to try and stop people leaving, or to sabotage relationships so that they don't have to live with the fear and worry and tension that it causes.
to me, it doesn't sound like that is in place in this incident. it sounds like your family were not respecting your opinion and that is something you have a right to feel hurt or angry about. while you can do things to help yourself or avoid toxic people, you are not to blame for their hurtful words and actions.

to clarify, yes, i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and the whole phrase is "real or imagined abandonment", which includes actual reasons to feel abandoned (like all the times my mom made me go to the hospital) and times i feel abandoned, if i wasn't upset i would recognize it as not real abandonment, such as my mother being tired and not wanting to talk.
it's one of the main diagnostic criteria (which i've read over and over since i was 13, before my diagnosis)

"the fear that people will leave you or abandon you can cause a person to be overly controlling to try and stop people leaving" that does happen sometimes with me, because when i feel like i'm not being heard, i will follow someone around and yell at them. i don't like it because i want to be okay.

[moon raver]

yes i could use my frustration coping skills

is that the same as the activities you mentioned, or something different? if you have other specific ways of coping with frustration i would love to hear them.

i have a list of coping skills up on my door, they're divided into feelings. i should really update it though since i've discovered new triggers.
my frustration coping skills are:
star trek
talking to my brother, or playing minecraft with him (not in the situation though)
talking to my girlfriend
breathing
blogging
playing with my dogs
listening to music
writing
doing yoga

[moon raver]

i was on tumblr and saw a post that said something like "people are trained to put school ahead of their mental health" and it reminded me of how the school board flagged my record as "noncompliant" because i couldn't go to school because of panic attacks and i was really upset because why am i being blamed for something that is obviously not my fault? i've tried everything! my only option was to go to an alternative school which would have made me suicidal again (i know from personal experience) i couldn't go there, and i can't be blamed for having no options. it's not fair.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it will make me feel a bit better because i won't have to feel
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will make me not have to feel upset about it
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
ged classes start on tuesday, so i only have to survive until then.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it will last until i go to sleep, and then i can talk to my grandma about it tomorrow.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could talk to somebody on tumblr about it. i could make a facebook post about it. i know some of my cousins will be sympathetic.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will feel relieved if i hurt myself. i will feel the same if i do the other things. i don't really ever regret self harming until i get caught. it's really cold. i know i won't get caught, i could wear sleeves, but i've already self harmed a few times today, and i feel like this would be in excess.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i could go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and take good care of myself, then talk to my grandma about the situation and why it made me upset

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?
i don't want to have to feel anything.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i did, earlier, when i first found out about the situation. i got upset and tried talking to my mom but she got annoyed with me.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far?
i've tried making this post on buslist, and it's helped a lot. i think i will just go to sleep and talk to my grandma tomorrow.
How do I feel right now?
i feel a lot better now because i've posted about it.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
classes start on tuesday. on monday i might be able to go to the drug addiction shelter with my grandma (she works there) and play with the babies (some women who live htere have young children, and children make me happy because i like to see kids have fun) i'm going to talk about it tomorrow and try to have a good weekend. and try to convince my grandma to take me to work with her monday, since i don't have classes.
Do I need to hurt myself?
i don't feel like i need to anymore.

[moon raver]

after... i will learn to beat these urges sooner or later....
ED trigger warning: BED






what had happened just before?
my mom was sleeping on the couch after a binge. she looked so pathetic surrounded by food. then i realized i'm going to end up just like her someday.
what were you thinking and feeling?
both her and i are pathetic. why do we let food control our lives?
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
it's like, 3:30 am, i was just going out to the living room because the bathroom is right next to it, then i heard her snore and thought i would check up on her, because she has the flu and five people have died from the flu this season. i guess it's because she isn't taking care of herself. she knows people are dying from the flu, and she is still smoking and bingeing.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i wasn't thinking clearly. it's late and i should get to bed.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yes, i just can't think of them right now. i could have used an anger coping skill.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
in this exact situation? at 3:30 am? i should probably go to bed.
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
i will talk to her about it tomorrow.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
it was anger, so i will use my anger coping skills. i guess i'm not really determined to use them because i feel like the world has wronged me.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
sleep
write a song/poem/letter
cuddle a stuffed animal

[moon raver]

AFTER BEATING AN URGE!!!

Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
yes
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
i felt "fat" because my grandpa said i was tired (after a bike ride) because i was "out of shape" which i took to mean fat
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i used delay and distraction
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
no
If No - What coping skills got me through?
going on the internet. i wanted to make loom bracelets, since i just figured out how to make them.
Why do I think they worked?
because i was distracted from the "fat" feeling
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i can't deal with them before the urge sets in, but i can use coping skills

i don't think i'll be able to do this every time, but i promised myself that i would have an sh free weekend.

[swirlish]

AFTER BEATING AN URGE!!!

Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
yes
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
i felt "fat" because my grandpa said i was tired (after a bike ride) because i was "out of shape" which i took to mean fat
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i used delay and distraction
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
no
If No - What coping skills got me through?
going on the internet. i wanted to make loom bracelets, since i just figured out how to make them.
Why do I think they worked?
because i was distracted from the "fat" feeling
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i can't deal with them before the urge sets in, but i can use coping skills

i don't think i'll be able to do this every time, but i promised myself that i would have an sh free weekend.

Yay, good job!! It's really good that you're able to identify what you were doing that worked because it makes it likelier that you could do it again. Well done!

Mia

[moon raver]

after -- twice today
(most recent, right now.
have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
what had happened just before?
i just had a really hard day. i got up at 3pm, didn't take my meds (just forgot, not on purpose), my mom came home and criticized me for sleeping all day (i just... i don't know why i do.), then i binged and i couldn't get on bus to post about my sh incident last night (i will now though), my brother is sick, my mom told me she lied about me starting classes tomorrow, and my grandpa refused to go see a movie with me on friday because "everyone in hollywood are liberals"
what were you thinking and feeling?
when my mom said she lied, i felt betrayed, confused, upset, and like i wasn't worth going to classes. when my grandpa didn't want to go to a movie with me i felt like i lost him entirely to his dementia because he's become so obsessed with politics that he doesn't even want to go to movies, something he loves.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
my mom was dealing with my sick brother and didn't want to help me when i was upset.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event.
i don't really know, i've just been stressed all day because of the incident last night, and then all this stuff happened, so i guess that's why.
look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
when my mom couldn't talk to me i could have gone to my grandma
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i hadn't taken my meds today, and i slept too long.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried talking to my mom but she was busy so it didn't work
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could have distracted myself.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
organize beads
make loom bands
watch some distracting tv (tlc, lifetime, last night i watched the lizzie borden movie, but it wasn't that good because of some historical inaccuracies)
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
i do feel better, but i could still talk to someone

after -- dissociation
have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, it was about 20 hours ago. but it was more cuts than i had intended, and a bit deeper
what had happened just before?
i was in bed, trying to sleep, and memories from the hospital came flooding back, first a pair of blue toms slip on shoes, then black skinny jeans as my view panned up, and a band t shirt and purple hoodie, and then a face and name. this went on with different people from that time until nothing felt real. i tried hiding under the covers from the memories, but it didn't work.
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt confused and like i couldn't control my own thoughts
look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
instead of getting up out of bed, i could have stayed in bed and turned on some music or watched tv
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i had taken my night meds (which included sleeping pills, my mind tends to wander when i try to sleep, but i couldn't find my normal melatonin, so i took 2 unisom instead) i was very tired and hadn't been taking my meds regularly
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried hiding under the covers and rejecting the memories that were forcing their way into my mind. the pictures were so clear, it's like they were real and everything that was "real" was foggy and wasn't real and i was so confused.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i don't know, but i'm open to suggestions
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it scared me a lot, and i'd like to talk to someone about it
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

[moon raver]

(TW sexual assault mentions, substance abuse, is there really ever a good reason to drink alcohol)

what had happened just before?
i drank until i felt sick because i felt so guilty because i was raped and there are a million things i could have done to avoid it
what were you thinking and feeling?
thoughts: my aunt was right when she yelled at me. i should have done something to stop it. i'm a failure, and i'm stupid. Feelings: i felt... angry. frustrated that i didn't do anything. i couldn't do anything, so i blamed myself for being stupid and not stopping it.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i drank until i was sick, then called a few hotlines, and realized it was the same lady i talked to yesterday. i was kind of ashamed and thought she thought i was too needy.
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
there was alcohol, lack of sleep, and my pdoc reduced my antidepressants
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried talking to someone. it worked for a bit but then i realized i'm too needy and cut.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yeah. i just can't think because i'm hungover.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will not drink a half a bottle of rum.
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it's never going to be resolved.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
not drink until i'm sick
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.


What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

[moon raver]

I noticed you said you are open to suggestions and looking for ways to cope... you might want to check the scarily vast list of coping strategies it is a sticky in the coping forum...

how are you now?

i just saw this. yeah i'll try that.

[moon raver]

(TW: mentions sexual assault)
before - triggered by existing cuts
i was laying on the couch and i was touching the cuts on my stomach, and remembered why i put them there. because of my rapist. and now i'm thinking about it again.
i want to make more cuts.
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i don't know if it will
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will take away negative emotions and relieve stress
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel free. hurting myself will only make me feel bad for not dealing with it.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it won't last very long. i'll start thinking about the rape again and what i could have done to stop it. i'll probably have to make the decision to cut or not to cut again when that happens.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could do laundry and then lay down and watch some tv or go on tumblr
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i think i would feel about the same. i don't really feel guilty for cutting, ever.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i can distract myself.

Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
yes, guilt about my rape.
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
i answered the before questions
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i haven't used them yet, but i'm going to rest after doing some laundry
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
yes, because it will distract me from the issue at hand long enough for me to wait for my tdoc apptmnt
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
answer the before questions on bus again

[treasure]

i hope the q's helped distract you moon raver. also it's really great that you are planning to do laundry and have a rest, i hope having something to do will help reduce the urges.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i think i would feel about the same. i don't really feel guilty for cutting, ever.

would you feel the same about the triggers and feelings you felt today if you si or not? it can help me to avoid si if i am convinced it won't change anything. although it is also helpful for me to try and recognise when si will help and hinder me in the short term. i don't think i would ever feel guilty either, but sometimes i would feel less hopeful the day after i si, or less able to make the sorts of positive choices that i want to make.

[moon raver]

ED trigger warning, just in case

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, it was a few hours ago, right before i went first aid shopping (i had enough supplies for that one time, but i needed more)
what had happened just before?
i saw a post on tumblr about how diabetics are fatasses and it really hurt me
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt hurt, because i'm diabetic. the post was about low blood sugar and how "fatasses" don't need juice or anything for it. i was thinking, wow, i'm such a fatass
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
it was kind of impulsive
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have stopped and thought about it, then used my coping skills
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
no
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i didn't try anything at all
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yes, i could have listened to music and made loom bands
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will snap a rubber band on my wrist to remind me to use my coping skills
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
i felt "fat" and stupid so i will exercise and eat healthier. or just not eat at all.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
these are things i will try
listening to music
making loom bracelets
playing a video game