before & after

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how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i will feel better

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring calm, focus, control. take away sadness, fear. take away my streak of not si-ing.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
long run - no i don't want to be si-ing over crappy emotions, but i feel like i won't ever get better or be ok, so why not be not-ok right now.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
relief might last most of today. if urges come back today most likely my sister will distract me and help my mood. if this mood comes back tomorrow, i might be better able to deal with it because i will have gotten more rest which is what i need after a stressful week.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i know i should eat something, it's lunch time and i feel sick from hunger and i know it's going to give me energy and make me better able to cope. it's just that it's very hard to make a decision that takes so much effort, and i hate that i'm too worn out to fricken feed myself, i feel immature and idiotic, but i'm really not sure i can cope with getting food. i told myself i would post here before getting too stuck on the issue of si, and i managed to get out of bed for that, so maybe i can manage more. i feel like preparing food is too hard, but there's very little to eat that doesn't need preparing. the best i could do would be reheat a meal of fried rice and heat frozen chicken which is probably relatively tasty and easy. i think that will be my one aim for right now, and i can go back to bed straight after that if i want/need to.
i hope that eating a meal will make me feel better but not fix everything the way si would. it could be a gradual increase though, making it easier to cope later/tomorrow.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si i will regret it tomorrow. if i don't, maybe i will be feeling better tomorrow, or at least better able to cope.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to be able to cope. i don't want to be a weak person who cries for no reason, finds it hard to get out of bed and finds it hard to do anything - and i am scared to talk about having a bad day like today with my sister, cos i'm sometimes talking to myself with her opinions in my head - which is that sleep is lazy, crying is pointless, and i should be stronger than that.
wanting to cope is ok, hating weakness that isn't really weakness is not ok, but i guess that's something i could work on. my self-protective instincts are saying that my emotions/thoughts right now are painful and i want to get away from them.
i don't want to si i guess. i will try other stuff for a little while.]

*edit*
not the food i wanted in the freezer so i made something else quickly. i feel shaky and crap but i think i distract myself online now, and once i've eaten i might feel better?

*edited the title*

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how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i won't have to feel. i can be numb instead.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring - an easy solution, a (physical and emotional) mess, a possibility of falling into a habit.
take - my self-control, dignity, the strength and weight of not si-ing for so long.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i'm not sure i care. but overall it will take me further away from my future goals.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it would last the rest of today and then i'd go to bed.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could play some online games, read, work on my uni assignment, make something (beading or painting), make/eat dinner... some of that to entertain and help my mood, some to distract me. i don't know if they will help for a few seconds or hours, but if i do more than one, maybe it will be long enough for me to go to bed after.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si, i will feel guilty and scared tomorrow, but happy at the same time. if i do other things i might be out of my bad mood by tomorrow and feeling relieved and calm?

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i don't want to feel, but maybe it's ok to feel and i should be sitting with that and dealing with it rather than hiding/running. it is self-protective because feelings hurt, esp about past stuff that really effected me. maybe also self-protective to sabotage my recovery process, in order to stay where things are certain instead of the uncertain scariness that comes from trying to change things. to honour those instincts, maybe accepting that feelings hurt and taking care of myself a little to cope with/accept the pain - like being gentle, not put myself down for feeling, and do calming activities. also to honour the instinct that protects against uncertainty maybe i could reassure myself that change is ok, maybe read past journals or write in my journal, to highlight that i have changed and will change more.

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i don't want to have so many b&a posts maybe typing in the same thread will help me remember what helps.

it's not a strong si urge but my cat scratched me a few days ago on my wrist, and the look and feel has been a constant reminder of si for the past 3 or 4 days which is getting more and more insistent and related to actually si-ing rather than thinking about it in the abstract.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i'm getting sick of feeling si needs to happen, i want the thoughts/feelings/memories to stop. si-ing will change them, and stop them, at least for a while.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring recklessness, a sort of emotional supremacy that means nothing matters and nothing hurts me. it will take away the stability and relatively healthy moods of the past few years.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
yesterday i was thinking my scars make me an unattractive fuck-up who will never really get close to anyone and it was probably a good idea to su sometimes in the next few years. i'm getting sick of holding on to hope, of expecting the future to maybe contain a happy life. in the long run, si makes no difference on whether i am hopeful or not. it may complicate my mood a little, make it hard to see what i really want, but the overall trend into depression is not going to change (i might not fall into depression. i might not feel su much. but if i do or don't, i doubt that si will change it).

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
i have some things i want to do today. small things, but they seem more interesting and distracting than si right now. if i run out of those things and get some stronger si urges, then the relief would probably last a week and after that i think i would probably start discussing si with a dr or psych or something.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
right now i should eat something. then do housework, study, games and downloading/listening to music. i think they will just be distractions, not actually stopping si thoughts. if i'm lucky the distractions will work all day and then i can go to bed. if i'm not then they may only distract me for an hr or 2. after that... i might read a book, listen to as much music as i can. maybe make some playlists or correct the id tags on my music. and probably posting on bus again might help. maybe making some stuff will fill some more time.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si then tomorrow i would feel relieved, secretive, powerful. if i don't, then overall my mood would be worse but better at the same time - anxious and sad maybe but at least feeling like i have a right to my feelings and can be outwardly annoyed if i want to be (after si, everything would be numb but still partly there, it can be irritating to feel like that).

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
how is it self-protective right now? i have a reminder of si, a niggling trigger that reminds me of the calm i felt after si and the burden i'm under to not give in to si urges. si will not protect me from anything? ... although i'm realising that my shoulders are tense and my face feels like it does when i need to cry - si would protect me from the negative feelings that i don't want to deal with. how do i honour that? i guess in realising that feelings are painful and hard and should not be ignored and pushed away because i deserve to express myself and feel things - feelings are not weak. i should be comforting of myself (a hot drink and toast is what i was planning to eat, and that will help), and take time to identify what i feel and accept it. it's ok.

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i bought a new wallet and out of my old one took out the razor i had in there. i think having it as an option when i'm upset makes me better able to take care of myself. gives me some mental peace to then deal with how i feel instead of pushing the feelings away. i will likely put it into my new wallet, but in the mean time it's by my bed and in my head and i want si back. i want to feel like nothing is happening, nothing can hurt me, there is only the act of si-ing and it's making me powerful and in control and ... *whirlwind of thoughts/feelings/memories*
questions. before i si, stop, think. don't follow the urge just yet, give yourself the space to see if it's really the choice you want to make...

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
a good change. at least mostly good.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring - peace, calm
take - my 4+ years with si. a slip would make everything wobbly instead of stable, it would take away some of the hope and strength in myself.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i don't want to be a si-er forever, but then i don't know if i really want to be alive, and being unhealthy with si is only 1 habit out of many ways that my brain and body is screwed up. so it doesn't really matter either way.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief would last half an hr or an hr. not long because i will go to bed after that and my thoughts always get a bit heavier and tangled when i'm trying to sleep.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i can watch some youtube clips, although i think the funny ones i've been watching have occasional moments of things i may find sad or triggery. so bad idea. i could play some games, should distract me for a while. i can go to bed in less than an hr maybe, and do stuff on my phone if i'm not tired enough to sleep.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si then i will feel weird tomorrow, unreal, like i'm slightly numb and slightly disbelieving that i did si.
if i don't si i will likely still be urgy tomorrow, maybe feeling sad or anxious if my thoughts are low when i fall asleep and wake up.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
when i was typing at the top of the post, i almost wrote that si would give me love and care. and later my mouse pointer went over the "soothe" emoticon and i thought that word is important somehow.
my mum called today. it wasn't about anything important, i talked about some uni stuff and some health stuff and she talked about what she's been doing and having small conflicts with her sister (which i thought was so stupid and gave a tiny bit of a voice to that thought - eg. my aunt saying she wouldn't go to a football game cos she doesn't like crowds, and my mum reading into the tone of voice that my aunt was being offensive. and other things like that).
but it wasn't a caring conversation. it wasn't one where i felt understood and liked and accepted.
i still have a lot of anger towards mum, and it would make sense that a phone conversation could bring up that emotion. maybe i feel like i need a mother/missed out on one, and some of what si does for me replaces that need. comfort maybe, a feeling like i'm in control of my own life... and being in control and powerful makes me worthwhile to some extent, even if my past (and my mother) have made me feel worthless.
so to honour that reason/feeling behind the si, i probably should do something comfortable, caring and self-affirming... maybe make something? maybe do something i enjoy, like reading or listening to music?
right now i feel sleepy enough to go to bed. i might get ready for bed and see if i have enough reason to keep distracting myself, or come on bus again if i am still urgy...

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how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i can be the calm nice person i expect of myself. i will be in control of my feelings.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring - something to help me and distract me, something to take care of my feelings
take - my 4+ years without si. it will take away the feelings but to a small extent it might be better to be able to feel, to be honestly angry and sad instead of dishonestly quiet and calm.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i don't know.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
most likely i will be emotionally fragile today (a t appt and going out for the third day in a row) and be urgy a lot, so the relief won't last long at all. i would be likely to si again.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could have a shower and get dressed, better to do that now rather than in a few hours when i'll be anxious about going out. i should eat a proper breakfast. i could read or do some study, might be a good distraction and change how i'm feeling.
if i do all of the above, it won't really change the issues that are upsetting me and i'll probably be urgy again later (but might be able to find other ways to deal when/if that happens...)

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si i will feel happy tomorrow. like i have a good secret. it will help me be calm and not bogged down with upsetting feelings.
if i distract myself through today i will likely be urgy and feel shit again tomorrow. not something i want.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
part of me wants to explode/implode, stuff it all and see what happens. self-protection? i guess these emotions are too much for me to deal with. the reason they got stuffed down inside me in the first place. i don't know how to make them less overwhelming. i would hazard a guess that running from them is making them worse and i should sit and feel them. but my only choices for venting are a final wrap-up session with my t today, or my easily-distracted not-wanting-to-own-emotions sister. i think even if i try to vent and try to be safe in expressing how i feel, that it will still get overwhelming and i will still si. i guess there is something i recognised years ago though - it would be logical and excusable to si when deep-seated raw emotions get too much after trying to feel them and express them safely. it is much less logical and excusable to si before doing that, to prevent feeling the feelings and prevent maybe being hurt by them. yes it will hurt, but maybe i will be ok after the hurt, maybe it will be better after the hurt...

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how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i can pretend i'm ok and hopefully get more energy/motivation to keep going

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring - an answer, relief, freedom (from fear/pain/frustration and from responsibilities)
take - the practice of coping without si, some of the self-reliance and feeling that i can help myself without si. it will take away some stability.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
feeling a little su, and want that in my future. si doesn't matter much.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
i would guess it would last until tomorrow morning. i will be going out to a simple employment service appt and the library. i will probably just be urgy again then?

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could go to bed (except i doubt i will sleep). i could read a book. i could watch more downloaded tv. i could make a cup of tea.
i probably won't do any of that stuff until i've exhausted the process i'm following on the computer, trying to install something so that i can finish my assignment. i guess i could/should plan some more of what i need in my assignment (watching tutorial videos could help), and do the computer stuff tomorrow on my sister's computer (which i know will work, rather than my computer which is frustratingly not working).
if i avoid some frustration and have a plan of what to do, i should start feeling better? except that there are other triggers besides computer issues so i might still be urgy. i guess it could help to make tea and read then.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si i think i will feel weird tomorrow, slightly guilty and worried. if i don't si, i expect to be urgy tomorrow. in both cases i will consider going to my dr to ask for a referral to a new t.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i really want to su. or maybe more to just disappear and leave everything... the start of this sentence was only reflecting the question "what do i really want to do" but it does seem like under everything i'm feeling is the building up of su thoughts recently. i don't know if the urge to si is to avoid feeling that way, to avoid acting on it, or just something on a tangent to su. i would guess that it's to avoid feeling, to cope with being overwhelmed by my thoughts. and technically my feelings, except that i don't actually feel bad just now, just tense and urgy.
it would probably help to sit with my feelings and try to understand how i feel, maybe write it out or listen to music. but most of me is too scared of being overwhelmed and too scared that i might actually start to feel su instead of just knowing that it's a thought bugging me recently.
maybe i could contact lifeline or an online counselling service. then i could ramble to someone who might listen and if i feel shitty then i wouldn't be alone. ? maybe.

i don't know. the computer program didn't work again so i'm 99% sure that it won't ever work and i've screwed up this computer. it would be a major hassle to fix - involving reinstalling windows and all extraneous software (of which i have a lot). so using my sister's computer for this assignment is my solution. and it's ok to do that cos i just need to fix a few little things over the weekend and it's due monday. my next assignments can avoid this program and then there are no more assignments cos i'd be graduating. technically, if i pass exams and if i don't su before then.

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how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i will hopefully start feeling in control. i will feel stronger and better able to make appts and keep up with uni.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring - control, focus and calm
take - might take away some hope

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
can't imagine a positive outcome in the long run. si might make things fall faster, but i'm not sure.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
relief would probably last a few hours, maybe til tomorrow. i hope to make a drs appt for some time this week, but not sure i can deal with phoning or going there in person, so it may be next week... i will probably try to get through the current uni assignments, just hold on as best i can til that is done.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i don't think i will si, i don't think it will help much. it's just that the near-constant thoughts are making it harder and harder to resist. more distractions will probably be useful - tv, book, jigsaw puzzle, assignments, crafts, making lunch, etc...

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si tonight i will feel both relieved and scared tomorrow. if i don't si, i will likely be struggling to cope with urges again tomorrow.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
an hr or so ago i wrote in my journal and there were 8 different things i was worried about and feeling overwhelmed by. i think it is easier to see that my si thoughts are self-protective because of what i wrote, but i don't really know how to honour that. overwhelmed is overwhelmed - i don't know what to do about it.
... i guess the closest i can get is trying to make a drs appt asap so that i can let someone know how i'm feeling and maybe get some advice or meds or something that could help?

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how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i won't be so worried and stressed

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring - a solution, calmness, a feeling of levity/carefree/carelessness
take - my si-free time, my feeling of gradual improvement

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
stressful situations are likely to bring up thoughts of how to cope and of using si, and that's ok, and i would like, in the long run, to both reduce the amount of stressful things, and fight my anxiety enough so that some things will cause me less stress than they used to. my current feeling is partly social anxiety related (going out later to a t appt), and partly just to-be-expected stress (thinking about, and legitimately planning, to start my own business).
si-ing will push that further away, by lowering my threshold of stress and adding to the things i might be stressed or anxious about.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
relief on some level will last for a few weeks, but the more immediate calmness might only last an hr or two. after that i will still have to go out and still have to deal with the things i am finding stressful. a few days ago it helped me to list good things about going out, i might do that again. it also might help to print out something for the t to read and/or plan what i want to do/say in the session. it would certainly be a good idea to talk to more people, like maybe my sis, about my business plans and what i'm worried about.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i will eat something, i would guess not having enough for breakfast was an important trigger for some of this feeling (and being a bit overwhelmed by it). i will watch some tv shows i downloaded, it will take my mind of my issues and distract me for an hr or so. (i just changed the past 2 sentences to have "i will" rather than "i should". it's important to make a decision. it's important to remember that i can change how i feel by doing something, not just thinking it might help and i should try but not really be motivated to try anything).

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si'd i'd feel guilty tomorrow, and it might drag my mood down a little, be a trigger for more si.
if i eat and watch videos (and then something else productive?) i should be feeling ok, not particularly better but no worse either.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to avoid si. i maybe should talk to my t about si, even though it's not something i do any more, it's helpful to go over the reasons why i stopped, helps me stay focused and motivated to stay mentally healthy.

[treasure]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
be able to express frustration, sadness and fear of the future. be able to breathe, be able to let go of the mess i feel, start to feel strong instead of weak.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring - comfort, sanity (relief from thoughts, but perhaps take away some other senses of sanity)
take - bad feelings, the pride i have/had in moving forward

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i don't see a "long run". there's the present where i'm lost and scared and hate myself, and there's the near future where i might get a grip on my feelings and re-find some confidence, and then perhaps lose it all again - there's nothing after that. i don't think i will exist for a long time. i think i will find some way out next year or the year after, there's no sense of any hope of getting through this.
so si means nothing in the long-term. but there is still the short to consider. tomorrow, the next day, or next week, i will regret si-ing.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it seems like the best option only because i can't really think straight to find a different option, hence posting here. i will try and find a different option, but if i did si, the relief would probably only last until tomorrow. si wouldn't really get rid of my feelings, they'd be masked for a little while, and then i'll feel just the same as now... and at some point they will lift, whether i si or not.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
in about 5 mins i have my nightly pill, then i may go to bed and read for a little while, getting ready to sleep. if i'm still upset in bed i might not be able to sleep, nor concentrate on the book, but i think the book i'm in the middle of will be distracting enough to last a little while, maybe long enough for the feelings to change. otherwise i can play games on my phone. they might be boring and only last a few mins but i have plenty to pick from and can download more if i want. i could watch videos, or do crosswords.
i could flick myself with a rubberband, if i've tried everything else.
hopefully tomorrow my mood will be better, but even if it's not there will be distractions and things to move me forward - like going out for mexican for dinner.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si then tomorrow i will feel numb and a little worried about myself. i might feel better/stronger enough to cope with whatever things/thoughts are going to worry or scare me tomorrow. if i don't si then tomorrow i will feel drained, tired, still emotional. i can hope that my mood will be ok, that i will be safe, but i'm not entirely sure.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
what i want is to order pizza, pig out and entertain myself on the computer for half the night. i want to be able to stop worrying, to have time where there's no pressure, to treat myself. it is self-protection from what, though? fear, hopelessness? maybe from falling into a place where everything is hopeless, where there are no options... so the feeling of having a lack of options triggered si? i guess i can figure out my options, try to give myself more, try to make the choices i have easier, and try to share some of the stress/pressure? first part - "figure out my options" - is possible, the rest of that sentence - i don't think it's possible. i feel alone in this. i have 1 person who i can talk to who knows what they're doing and can maybe help me make decisions, and i feel like it's not their job but it maybe is a little, enough that i should/could ask...
how do i relax? how do i give myself time off planning for my future and my career? it's been 2 months since i graduated, i feel like i should have it figured out already. i feel like every day that i'm not working is a small failure, even though most of the time i don't really *feel* it, it just adds a heaviness and anxiety to everything.
enough though! enough stress. i need to take a break. i think i will try and find a place i can go for a day, maybe like the museum or something. something new-ish to me, interesting, not too busy so i'm not anxious about people... maybe, if i remember and if i still need a break in a few days (who knows, i may get a job offer, or i may figure out what i want to really do)...

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it feels like every day is slightly different feelings and slightly different urges. it's maybe continuous though, maybe there was a specific trigger? well, last time i posted was a week ago where i felt really down and overwhelmed, and then instead of being able to take a break, i went out 4 days out of 6, exhausting any reserves of energy i had left. so the pinball feeling of going from one low to another, one urge to another... i guess that could be a consequence (duh!).

some things i could do to help... being nice to myself sounds like it would be sensible. it really doesn't matter if i don't keep to my goals for myself over the next few days (working on my business stuff at least 1½hrs/day)- a break is a good idea. and don't feel guilty about it!

it might be hard to handle going out at the moment, and i don't have enough money to do anything much (not sure i can even afford a train ticket to the city centre) but in a few days i might get some money and feel able to deal with going out. so today was a rest day, tomorrow will be a rest day, and monday will be rest but also plan what i might want to do the rest of the week - probably shouldn't do anything major. and end of the week and next week, i'll hopefully be back into a productive frame of mind (and will have a t appt to help push me in that direction).

[han]

I hope your rest days help - maybe trying to do something v small each day might help?
Love han x

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thanks han. i'm not sure i really got the rest i was after. the pressure and stress makes my concentration worse and things like reading or watching a dvd seem like too much sitting still. i did manage a pretty good day today, writing out all the things i have to do and when approximately i should do them, and then getting 2 things crossed off the list for today. i'm back to feeling urgy though, a couple of random triggers not related to work/stress stuff.

i think i will write up a cbt worksheet and get out whatever thoughts are in my head...

a - my sis is great at writing, which i'm jealous of.
memory brought up from b.u.s. about a horrible nightmare that led to me attempting su.
feeling like i'm bored in the evenings when my sis goes to work and wanting to eat or be somehow self-destructive because i don't want to feel alone or sad or anything really.
b - i'm shit at writing. i hate myself (i'm not good at anything).
i hate feeling that low, i'm scared su is inevitable though, that i can't heal from the past. i don't think i'll ever be able to forgive mum for what she's done.
i want to chuck my sleep schedule away, i feel trapped by it. i feel like i will be happier staying awake. i don't want to responsible and sensible and take care of the house and be under pressure to get my business up and running. i want to be irresponsible and carefree and not under any pressure. i want to but i'm also pretty sure that will lead to me feling sad, lonely, bored and lazy. like i am more useless/worthless than how i already feel. i want that mood sometimes, i'd like to take out all the stress on myself. i can hurt myself as much as i want, no one really cares about that (about me).
c - angry/frustrated 5/10, sad 5/10, worthless 7/10 (i first wrote 3 and then i thought about it a bit. a lot of other feelings come from feeling worthless, wanting to hurt myself comes from that, and it might not be forefront in my mind but it's pretty much pushing all my thoughts right now)
d - *breathe* i'm ok, i am not my thoughts or memories. i might not be a good writer, but i can still enjoy writing as a hobby. i don't have to better than my sis, i have my own skills that she doesn't have. i might not feel great sleeping in a strict schedule but i don't have to worry about sleep anywhere near as much as before. it is better this way, it is something i will continue doing, and i also have the right to complain or feel down when it's difficult or not working the way it should. i did enough during the day that i don't have anything i need to do right now, and that might feel uncertain and a bad thing when my mood is low but it isn't. i can enjoy playing games or reading, i probably won't feel that bad and i can do sensible things to help with whatever stress or frustration i am feeling. i would assume my sister does care, and doesn't want me to si, and even if she finds emotions uncomfortable she would be willing to help and talk to me tomorrow if i want to talk. if i ask, maybe she would do things or tell me things that help me see that i do matter (but i probably won't ask because i'll probably forget).
angry/frustrated 1/10, sad 3/10, worthless 1/10

[swirlish]

I just read through this thread and a couple of things jumped out at me. You might already be aware of them, if so - ignore me!

First of all, I'm really impressed by the way you reason your way through your urges and what you can do instead of hurting yourself. You seem to have a lot of self-awareness in that aspect.

In most of the posts where you described your urges, you mentioned that you were hungry, that you should eat, that you hadn't had breakfast/lunch. Is that something you're aware of? Could not getting enough food have a connection to your urges to SI?

You also describe thinking that it'd be good to sit with your feelings, but sometimes it feels too overwhelming and you're scared it'll make things worse, do I understand that right? Have you tried sitting with your feelings and if so, what happened?

I think you also identified that going out several days in a row and being active makes you tired and sometimes urgy? If so, is there something you can do so you don't have that happening so much?

You describe a lot of alternative coping skills you have available, again - I'm impressed!

If I've said something that isn't true or something, I'm sorry - these are just my impressions and opinions

Mia

[treasure]

thanks kicks @ sammy.

thanks for replying mian.
not having eaten - maybe in some cases being hungry is making things worse, that's something i need to keep an eye on. along with si urges to stop feeling crap i also get the urge to eat, but i don't have an ed so it's unlikely i will binge or feel really bad giving in to that urge. finding something to eat is almost always better than being hungry.

sitting with feelings - i don't recall if i have properly done that... if i have most likely i cried for a while and then started to get past the feelings into something else. i've recently been instructed/asked by my t to practice mindfulness and we discussed that at least some of the time, my feelings lead to me giving more weight to my negative thoughts. that if i'm sad about (say) being jealous or angry at my sister i can probably stop those feelings happening as much by concentrating on something neutral rather than the feelings. my thoughts/feelings control most of what i type in this thread, it is my way of sitting with them, letting them figure themselves into something useful. like the before question of honoring your self-protective instinct, i feel like typing here can help me figure out what the si urges are trying to protect me from. and maybe i've done enough of the identifying what's going wrong and what to do about it, but now need to concentrate on pushing things into going well rather than just stopping the slide into crap?

I think you also identified that going out several days in a row and being active makes you tired and sometimes urgy? If so, is there something you can do so you don't have that happening so much?

i feel like i don't have the right to set that boundary on my sister because a day that i don't go out is sort of giving in to social anxiety, and she only has limited time when she's not working so a day with me is something she wants and deserves (more than my comfort). in an average week i only go out once, so she thinks i always need to get out more... and i don't disagree, and don't know if i can really identify when i'm being sensible versus when i am not.
i have taken on board her opinion, and that of my parents, that pushing yourself is more important than feelings. it's like she/i/they think that anxiety will go away if you just do what you're anxious about over and over - which is not really what exposure therapy is trying to do.
i don't stand up for myself enough. i don't take my health (mental and physical) as something i'm in control of - since i feel like mental health issues somehow make me incapable of properly taking care of myself.

another reason it might be better for me to live apart from my sis - i need to stop giving up control to her. i need to have more confidence in my own opinions and decisions...

[treasure]

pretty well thanks kicks went out for most of the day on thurs (with my sis) - cinema, lunch and a few hours round the shops - and although i was feeling quite fragile and shaky by the time i got home, i didn't have si urges or feel too low. i'm feeling a bit 'aware' of my scars today because it's warm enough to wear short sleeves, unfortunately it's summer here soon.

i remembered to do a mini mindfulness exercise while at the shops but i don't think i have since then. i'm feeling anxious/guilty about telling my t that i keep forgetting or can't be bothered. right now i think i'll put a recurring alert on my computer, and try to do it now. at least some practice means i won't have to tell the t that i couldn't be bothered (i think having spaced out appts means he feels like he can't make me as accountable as he wants to, it makes it harder to actually achieve anything besides just having someone random to talk to. i want to achieve something from our sessions, i don't want to have no idea of what to do next once the sessions end - no idea how to really support myself or get support.

hm, i just remembered, i got an email back from the social group i emailed. they didn't really answer my question about how many people turn up, instead asked me to call for more info. but if i write down what i want to say and give myself a push, maybe i will call for more info and then go to it this week? (good idea just to go once and see how it goes, it may be much more welcoming and enjoyable than my anxiety predicts. and if it's not then at least i know and can try and find something else)

[treasure]

hi kicks. i feel like any/every social group has an obligation to keep going because you introduce yourself and act like you want to be there, and people would/should assume you will keep coming. i guess regardless of expectation, i won't actually let anyone down by only going once, i am not required for anything, and if the group is not working out for me i shouldn't go. i found a slightly different group that should be easier to get to (near a train station) but further away. it feels stupid to travel a long distance to meet people, but i don't have a choice - i've looked around a *lot* for other options and there are no relevant groups near me. next meeting is on wed, i hope i go but i don't really know if i will.

bit urgy right now...
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
stop feeling so helpless and hopeless

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring - strength, calm
take - i got to 5 years si-free a few days ago - i really don't want to go back even if some of the thoughts make me feel like it doesn't matter.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i don't want to lose the momentum of 5 years but i don't really see a way out of my general feelings of hopelessness that have stuck around the past few weeks.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it's not my best option because i should be able to sleep soon and i can put the urges aside for long enough. if i did give in (maybe if i was too irritated to sleep) the numbness would help for a few days, but then what? i'd still feel hopeless after that.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
it's a good time to go to bed, although i will likely play games on my phone and listen to music for a little while. hopefully i will feel better tomorrow, but this will come back again soon... it's a bit like no one cares what i do, and no feedback makes me feel useless. i need to interact with more people, even if it's just email or online chat. i hope i get to a social group this week, it would probably be a big step towards making me feel less worthless and hopeless.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si i will feel heavy and sad tomorrow while also too numb to really care. if i go to sleep soon i might feel a little better, although still not really ok.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to cry. i think sleep honours my protective self, and other self-comforting maybe, esp if i can't sleep. i could listen to a relaxation audio, or maybe some sad songs would help me cry and express whatever i am feeling.

it would probably be healthy to cry but i don't feel like i deserve sympathy or comfort. i feel like i am useless/worthless/hopeless and crying is self-pitying and pathetic. i feel like si would be a signal of repression, of deciding to ignore the weak parts of me and concentrate on something else... but avoiding si and letting *painful* emotions be expressed, that is strength not weakness.
*breathes and sits*

[treasure]

thanks kicks yeah i went to bed. didn't properly cry or anything though, i think i not really ok, fragile, but currently can't do anything about it. hopefully this will change soon, find some hope, or support or something.

[treasure]

i don't know if i feel bad right now but i feel afraid that i will get hit by urges soon, once i relax. a couple of things bothering me that i've put to one side while spending most of the day with my sis.

yesterday i paid for pizza delivery and today bought a few groceries, but i can't afford it unless (a) i don't pay back my sis what i owe her when i said i would or (b) i get the interest-free advance i want for starting my business and spend some of it on random food, perhaps not leaving enough for the business expenses. and the problem with (b) is that i don't want to start my business yet, and the insecurity and fear stopping me feels pathetic and i'm angry at myself for feeling it. and angry at myself for spending money i shouldn't.

this morning i finished a book i've been reading and got hit by a really sad emotional few chapters that made me cry. i felt like it objectively wasn't as sad as how i felt, like i was sad about other things at the same time and i don't know how to stop feeling sad.

this afternoon i watched a downloaded episode of dr who, the one about van gogh. the episode ended with the bbc voiceover saying if you have been affected by this show please call these hotlines or go to a mental health web site. it reminded me of how upset i was when i watched the episode the first time, even though this time i seemed to feel nothing much. i think it was still a trigger even if i didn't feel bad right away.

*si**su*
yesterday at the support group, i was blind-sided by someone mentioning that years ago she was hospitalised for being a risk to herself. she said it wasn't that she was about to "slash her wrists", it was just that she was so out of it she got disoriented, lost and would accidentally walk into traffic.
i knew there would be triggers from a room of people with mental health issues, but the group is firmly focused on recovery and self-help so i started to think there wouldn't be any.
the mentions of hospital made me feel a bit left out, like i'm not sick enough to need it so i don't fit in and shouldn't ask for help from people, which is not exactly logical i guess.

*end triggers*


i went out yesterday and again (really briefly) today and in the past 2 days my sis has been home so i feel like i haven't been alone and able to properly relax and recharge. i am on-edge with my sis around, and don't really feel like i can trust her. at least today we had a good time, laughing at some hilarious tv shows and being pretty friendly and talkative. i never really relax around other people though, since some thoughts and feelings feel bad/wrong to talk about or express.

i'm going to go to bed soon *checks time* oops, i should've already gone to bed. i hope the usual routine of getting ready to sleep will help calm me and distract me from si thoughts. i think i will be left 'alone' a little tomorrow as my sis wants to bake some stuff, so i will have time on bus and time to think/breathe/cry if needed. (feels like there are many unshed tears. to cry for stuff in the past, for the fears and anxieties of the future, and the lack of money or hope or whatever in the present)

[treasure]

hi kicks (love the name wicked witch btw )
i'm ok although feeling a bit sick and not sleeping well. i'm attempting nano again, but this time with my sister as a partner/prodder. it's taking up most of my brain space right now, although some business-y stuff is happening too.

[treasure]

hi kicks
today's goal was 10,000 words which i've gotten just over. i'm ending up trying to push my sis a lot more than she is me. she has opportunities to write which she ignores or refuses because she doesn't feel like she has enough of an uninterrupted block of time... so she's a few days behind on the target, but can write fast enough that she can catch up if she wants to.

i'm finding my characters/story a little wonky at the moment, i think i need to plan exactly what is going to happen next. i only have ideas for some of it, no real plan.
character a, b, c and d are all going on individual journeys and 1 character will die (b i think), 1 will turn evil (a, or a small chance of d), and then the other 2 will meet up somewhere along with the secondary characters... where they find out what's going on, figure out the real bad guy and somehow defeat them. d is the only story i'm really interested in, oh and 'e' the bad guy who's behind the scenes, and who isn't actually a bad guy.

(i don't call myself a writer, the most i do is occasional poems because i feel like i should, that being creative is a good thing, but during nano i feel like a writer and i like it... my sis wants to be a writer professionally, and she said writing is not meant to be fun, which i disagree with, and think maybe it's just her? or just not me? even if i think about web development - what i want to do career-wise - one of the reasons i want to do it is because it's fun. unless you're writing memoirs or writing something to a brief, the rest is creative and being creative means using your brain the way you want to, creating something that *you* control, and i think that should be fun, i think that if it's not fun then maybe your brain chemistry is wacky from depression or something... at least for people who have a sense of creativity, if that is not everyone?
i have tried nano a few times and never finished, and maybe it's just that it gets harder as you go, but there is an awful lot of self-doubt to fight through. i feel like the fact that i rarely write means i shouldn't do nano. the fact that i don't have an outline or real character planning, means i shouldn't write. and i know that is wrong, that writing is good and i am not just wasting most of my time. but what do i really know, against my sis who has a degree and diploma in writing(slash editing slash communication)?)

anyway, i'm hoping i keep up enough to finish 50000 words on time. it will be a big rush to actually do it.