write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
~i will have gotten some of the fucking pain out. some of the anguish. it will probably end up worse in the long run, though. i'm not sure if i care about that.
* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
~pain, blood, almost excitement...i want to cut myself so badly. like it's a friend that's been away a long, long time and only now can i maybe let it back in. but then everyone will be upset with me, so i can't.
* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
~like i don't have to depend on this shit to make myself feel better. so no it won't make me feel better. but it's still fucking tempting.
* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
~i don't know. hopefully all night. or i'd have to do it again. and that's ok with me right now, i could just do it again.
* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
~draw on myself with red pen. it will satisfy a bit of the urge, but then it might make the urge worse and make me want to do it more.
* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
~either way, i feel like shit. at least the red pen way washes off.
* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
~i want to hurt. i have no idea.
* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
~tonight in general. i am not equal. i am worthless. i am broken. i am a fuck-up. and i know these things. it's both good and bad to have them confirmed.
* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
~probably, but i don't know. i can't remember.
* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
~listening to songs about abuse. especially "daddy's little defect." yep that's basically me. i'm just a little stupid defective girl. draw on myself.
* How do I feel right now?
~like i am a worthless broken person who deserves to hurt and suffer.
* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
~this is what i deserve
* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
~good at first and then feel like shit.
* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
~in all likelihood...no on both counts
* Do I need to hurt myself?
~yes, but i'm probably still not gonna do it cuz i'm a fucking coward
i don't want to face the consequences. how stupid is that.
