write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
I would feel calmer, more in control. It would numb most of the other feelings. It would clear my head. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It would bring focus, and calm, and an ability to think clearly. I'd also get to take care of myself afterwards. It will take away the sense of achievement I've gotten from not slipping so far, especially as my 3 month mark is next week. - how do I want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I would like to be able to deal with these feelings without immediately thinking of SI. But I'd also like to be able to say I managed to keep it together, and coped well. SI would take me further from the first, and closer to the second thing. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will I do then?
It would last the rest of the night, and maybe through some of tomorrow. Then I'd have to do it again, and keep doing it until the appointment is over. - what is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation I'm in? how long will that change last, and what will I do then?
I could try and work on my uni stuff, at a slow pace to avoid stressing myself. It would give me something else to focus on for the time being. It would only last until I couldn't work any more or I needed to go to bed. Then I'd be back to feeling this way.
I could work through my distractions list. It would take my focus from the stuff going on inside, but it never lasts long. I'd have to keep busy constantly, and again when I need to go to bed it becomes ineffective.
In theory, I could message one of my 2 close friends, who I know I can turn to when I'm urgey. But then I have the addition of feeling guilty, and like I'm bothering people. - how will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? how will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
If I SIed, I'd feel a little stupid, probably guilty and upset at myself. But I'd possibly also feel calmer, more focused and more able to cope. If I did one of the other things, I'd get relief for tonight, but I'd still have to deal with these emotions tomorrow. - what do I really want to do right now? how can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Part of me wants to give in and SI. Part of me still holds onto the idea that I'm better than SI and I can cope without it. I don't know what the best thing to do right now is.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I feel the need to SI because I'm stressed and anxious about my first appointment with the psychologist, which I made this afternoon. I can't focus. I'm overwhelmed by all of these feelings. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I haven't been in this situation in a long time exactly. The closes I've been is when I agreed to talk to the counselling service at uni, and I was still SIing then. I SIed the night before, and the day of in order to cope. Also had my elastic band, and it was a night before decision not 3 and half days before. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I'm trying to do these questions to give myself some perspective. I've thought about other things I can possibly do. I have a relaxing CD on, which usually helps me to calm down. In an hour I can go to bed and try to sleep. - How do I feel right now?
Very anxious, tired, on edge, overwhelmed, unable to focus, like I can't reach out to anyone. Physically like there's a rock in my stomach. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
- How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
After I would feel taken care of, comforted, calm, focused, more relaxed. Tomorrow, I'd feel a little stupid, and hopefully still have the feelings of calm, focused and relaxed. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Probably not. - Do I need to hurt myself?
Part of me says yes, it's the only way to deal with it. Part of me wants to say no, that I'm past SI, and I should be able to cope without it