after urge

[the edge of the world]

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.

* Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?

Yes, to some extent

* If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?

Worthless, hopeless, depressed, unwanted, tired, physically not so well, despair, impatience, ...
I figured out what my feelings were by curling up under my covers for a while to cry and by coming onto bus to write.

* What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?

I used distraction and acceptance (well... to some extent....). Basically I was a puddle in bed and I watched movies and looked at bus. I did try to grade some homework, but that ended up making me feel worse because I made a bunch of mistakes.

* Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?

No, I could have done something more active. My psychiatrist wants me to go for walks and my therapist always encourages me to do something productive so that I'll feel good about getting something done. I don't think I was in a good state to get much done, but I suppose I could have gone for a walk. Although, honestly, I was a little afraid what I might do if I left my bed.

* If No - What coping skills got me through?

What got me through mostly was accepting that I have committed not to hurt myself and it wouldn't be nice of me to other people if I just went and hurt myself.

* Why do I think they worked?

Because I'm good at making myself feel guilty. Plus, I haven't really used SI in a while, so I know I can get through things without it. I might not get through them gracefully, but I guess I do get through them... kindof....

* How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?

Well... reduce my vulnerability by taking my meds, eating nutritiously, study when I'm feeling well so that it's not an added burden when I'm not feeling well (I skipped a midterm and a lot of classes....). Also, I think making more time to take care of myself might be needed, though that's really hard for me to justify to myself.

[awake.unafraid]

Plus, I haven't really used SI in a while, so I know I can get through things without it. I might not get through them gracefully, but I guess I do get through them... kindof....

That tends to get me through a lot of rough patches, but I'll admit, it makes the time I slip that much more slippery and painful. I feel like I should say congrats for beating an urge, but I'm still trying to feel out the proper ways to reply back to these. The part that interests me the most, if you don't mind me asking, is the last part, why is it we know what to do and it sounds so easy when you're writing/reading that last paragraph, but we don't do it?

I've been toying with the idea of taking a semester off and just working and trying to find somewhere less stressful and miserable to live, but I can't seem to justify it to myself either. Just a little bit longer, is what I keep telling myself, which is dangerous and I hope you are better than me at realizing when you're at your limit and take a break before you reach it.

Do you ever try coping methods that focus as you for the reason and not because you'll be "not nice" to people if you slipped? I know for me, that when I thought 'oh i'm not going to do this because so and so will be disappointed' it just put more pressure on me and I tended to fall harder both out of anger at myself for not being strong enough and guilt that i failed them. Just my opinion.

Hope you're safe and feeling a bit better
xNik

[the edge of the world]

Thanks, Nik. I think your reply was very appropriate.

why is it we know what to do and it sounds so easy when you're writing/reading that last paragraph, but we don't do it?

I find that the times I don't do it fall into two general categories:
1 - impulsive: when I'm not mindful enough of my urges so I don't prepare myself to fight them off
2 - desperate: when I've tried the things I've thought of and I don't feel like I can just wait it through (ie: I have a paper due the next morning and if I don't get it done, I'll probably fail the course)

Schoolwork is a big stressor for me, too. I have also thought about taking a semester off, but I think it wouldn't be good for my self-esteem.

-edge