write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It will break my si free streak. I will have more scars, etc, to cover. I will have to deal with j. I will have to tell him that I'm not actually over this. It will be one more thing to hide and be ashamed of.
As for the feeling, I will probably feel worse. I probably won't get the relief I am seeking. Instead, I will just feel guiltier and more ashamed, and it could lead into a worse state mentally. It won't really stop what I am feeling, because it all will come back, and I will have to deal with it.
* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring new feelings and new scars. It will take away any new confidence and growth I've gained over the past month. I want the physical feeling and relief of si, but I know that it's probably not going to end the way I want it to and that there are going to be consequences, and I'm probably just romanticizing the whole thing in my head.
* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to be over it. Hurting myself now would bring me farther away from that goal.
* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
If it brings relief, it will be very temporary. I think that reality and the consequences of it will hit harder than any relief it brings. I know it wouldn't be worth it.
* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could study. I would probably get a better grade on my test tomorrow. I could try and sleep. These changes (especially sleeping) could distract me through the urge. If not (like in the case of studying), I could just go to bed, and if that doesn't work, I could try and sleep and watch a happy movie or something.
* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself, tomorrow I will feel terrible. I will be upset and angry at myself, and probably feel guilty and ashamed. It will also mess things up with j. If I do the other things, I will feel better tomorrow (hopefully), and I will be able to look back on this and not be ashamed of how I acted.
* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure
right now?
Right now, I just want to escape from everything. I don't want to feel all this. To best honor my instinct, I should probably just go to bed. It's late anyway.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I am feeling scared about the future, and a little nervous, and pretty anxious. I am also worried about getting depressed again. (which sounds totally fucked to me.) I am probably a little stressed, too, and not really realizing it. Part of it is school and relationships, etc. As for the getting depressed bit, I am kind of paranoid about it, and I feel like I can feel it coming, and the weather is getting cold, and I think it gets worse sometimes, then, and I am kind of freaking out about it.
* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes and no. I have with the stress and what not. I have si'ed over things similar in the past, but I think I have greater incentive not to right now. I've never been this way about the depression, which is part of why I think I'm so terrified.
* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've been listening to music to try and calm myself down, and I came on here and answered the questions to help me work through these feelings and the urge to si. I am thinking that going to sleep will help me, and that it will be good because I can't hurt myself then.
* How do I feel right now?
I am still anxious. And worried. But my stress is going down because I am starting to calm down a little and think things through more, and I am realizing that what I was stressing about isn't the biggest deal in the world, and isn't worth this. It's more worth it for me to take care of myself now, and go to sleep when I've studied less, and then maybe get up a little earlier and study more so I can keep myself safe. I don't want to fall back into a cycle of si because of one test. I don't really care about one test.
* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
This is the part that is hard for me to answer. Because this is kind of the part of my urge that is the strongest. This and then the feeling after. (like this is the part that I am craving.) This has always been hard for me to describe, just because it's been difficult to put words to the feeling, but I know that this feeling isn't going to be worth compared to how shitty I would feel tomorrow.
* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
After, there is a chance I would feel a little better, or relieved. I would probably be able to sleep better, and focus less on everything else. Tomorrow morning, I would probably feel terrible.
* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Yes. I can study more, earlier. I can probably do other smaller things, too. As far as the urge goes, I think I could probably have a list of things I should do instead, that help me instead of hurt me. I think these questions were helpful for this, so these are probably a good idea, too.
* Do I need to hurt myself?
No.
