before

[hedgepig]

Before You Self-Harm write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?For a little while I would have relief. It would help me to not feel what I'm feeling for a while.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?It would bring escapsim. It would bring security in the familiar. It would bring temporary relief.
It would take away everything I have achieved so far in terms of resisting.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
As this is not in response to a specific event, in the long run I want to not feel like this at all. Hurting myself is likely to bring me neither closer nor farther away from this.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief would last long enough for me to get some rest and sleep. I never know how long the urges will stay gone for. It depends on the sort of urge I am feeling.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could make yet another cup of tea. I could smoke a cigarette. I could try to tune out for a while but I don't like it because it makes me feel less like me, although sometimes that can be desirable. I could phone a help line.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself I'm not sure if I will care that much tomorrow. I may feel the usual guilt and shame and self-loathing, but then it's been so long and the urge is so strong that sometimes I can't bring myself to care.
If I do the other things I came up with - a cup of tea won't make me feel any better or worse. A cigarette will make no difference either. These are things I would do anyway. If I phone the helpline I may feel pleased I kept fighting.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to be at peace for a little while. To feel back in control and safe and secure.
Other than to hurt myself I'm not sure how I can achieve this, even though I can see it's rather an oxymoron to hurt myself in order to keep myself safe.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
It's been so so long. And it's been building. And everything was good and positive for a while and now it has stopped being and things are changing and it frightens me. I'm moving house. I'm moving office. I'm worried I will lose touch with a friend. I'm scared of who I am and what I'm becoming. I'm starting a course which is going to mean I have even less free time and even less time to try and relax. I don't feel i'm being good at my job right now and it's busy season. Little odd things keep happening that unsettle me. Change unsettles me and makes me anxious. My T. is on holiday and so I can't call her if I need to and that makes me more anxious. My next appt will be the first time I've seen her in a month and that's making me anxious also. I miss her because she keeps me safe. And I hate myself for feeling like this because it is weak and needy and clingy and repellant to rely on someone so much to keep me safe.
Basically I don't like some of the things that are going on in my life. I don't like the change and the uncertainty and the anxiety. I don't like who I am.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes I've been here before.
Previously I have either cut (which made me feel sick and guilty and sad and ashamed and frightened of myself) or called my T. (which made me feel awful for bothering her and disliking myself for needing her at all.)

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I have spent the evening watching shows that make me laugh, browsing the internet for things I need and want, researching whether I need to complete a CBT motorbike course and how to go about that, working out my finances for my new home, dreaming about getting a puppy, listening to music that makes me smile or that makes me able to understand the feeling better (i work better in the visual and in sound), drinking tea and browsing bus.
I could continue doing all these things.
I could disappear in to my strange fantasy world where I'm not me and I'm not in my life. But I want to stop doing that because it's weird.

How do I feel right now?
Anxious. Tired. Sad. Alone. Perplexed.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Distant.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
After: Calmer. More controlled. Away from the feelings. And when I start to focus again more in control of the feelings.
Tomorrow: Weak, stupid, full of self-hatred, sad.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I wish I knew how to avoid all these stressors. Unfortunately with the change elements there isn't anything I can do about them. I HAVE to move house because my tenancy is up. I HAVE to move office because my company says so.
I have to try to learn to not try and worry too much about the possible negatives of situations before they occur.

Do I need to hurt myself?
I really don't know anymore.

[Sheliya]

Wish I had something helpful to say, but I just wanted to say that I read. I totally can relate to the things you wrote. About change...to be at peace, to be in control, to feel secure and safe...the irony between SI and feeling safe. I understand not liking the change, the uncertainty, and the anxiety. It's all so hard to deal with. *sits with you* Wish I could help make it all better. *big hugs*