before

[treasure]

i watched a tv show tonight that was a final competition of upcoming comedians. 2 of the comedians, maybe 3, made jokes involving si, and i feel a bit annoyed and triggered by that.
twice in the past week my sister has made a thowaway comment about killing herself, as a way of saying such-and-such would be an awful situation and she'd have no choice but to su. it was generally a trivial situation that would be difficult but not depressing or something that generally results in real su thoughts.
same as with the tv show, i freeze. i think "oh shit why are you saying that" and have churning emotions that i can't quite hang on to.

i feel like i have no reason not to si, that no one really cares if i do it, and it helps me so why not. i feel like the nearly 10 months without it are just a short time compared to life in general, or compared to how long i did si (maybe 5 years?). it's "no big deal" to throw it away and start again...
but i know it is. once, twice and then i'm stuck again, holding on to a coping strategy that's doomed to fail. i'm ok with faded scars, i can explain them as past activity, enlighten ppl about si and don't have to feel guilty. what about fresh/new wounds/scars? how am i supposed to face my sister after that?
inner voice - it doesn't have to give you scars, try something else...
i'm not sure why but i find scars a lot more satisfying, so it's not that hard to hold off on that thought. i guess i should figure out what i should do besides typing here in order to cope. thinking too much might lead to giving in, although it probably won't. i think going so long without makes it a lot easier to deal with urges and i'm thankful for that.
for now... i think trying to sleep which just make things worse, but i'm tired. i might read for a little while. maybe play some distracting computer games first. maybe play music later to help me sleep.
*sigh*