- have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes, to the extent that I was able. They were only superficial although they hurt like h*ll. - what had happened just before?
My mum had manipulated me into doing something I really didn't want to do and thus invaded my personal emotional space yet AGAIN! - what were you thinking and feeling?
"If I could just cut, it would take the edge off the pain. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to do it. No, I'm not going to do it." Then..."oh f*ckity f*ck f*ck f*ck!!" That last bit was afterwards. As for feelings, I was feeling overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, depressed and mad at myself for giving into her yet again. - why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I got to the place where I just couldn't take it anymore and just didn't care to keep struggling against the urges. - how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I could have gritted my teeth and not isolated myself where I had the opportunity to SI. I could have simply used the bathroom, washed my hands, and left instead of continuing to sit there and fume and let all the emotions in me rise to such a point where I failed to care anymore. - were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Lack of sleep is always a factor for me as I never get enough. Also, I'd not eaten much that day and my blood sugar being too low causes me to have lower moods and lower resistance. No alcohol involved or drugs and I had taken my meds that day. - what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried to pray but couldn't focus. Tried talking myself down, so to speak, but that was pretty much a failure from the start. Tried distracting myself with reading something I usually like but my mind kept going back to it. - in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
If I could've talked to someone in my support system, it would've been helpful but it wasn't possible at that moment w/o being totally obvious to other people who were present under the same roof as myself. - name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Not sure this one is really relevant to me as there wasn't any way I could chat w/my support system. - how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I don't know if it will ever be wholly resolved. I don't have much hope of resolving it w/o major cost to myself which I am currently unable and unwilling to pay. - are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Oh yeah. I'll be there again. The situation isn't going to resolve itself anytime soon so I know I'll be faced with this again. I will recognise it the same way I always do and I'll try to stave off the urge just as I do every time. Whether or not I'm successfull in my attempt is another thing entirely. - what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1. Prayer
2. Dialogue w/self
3. Writing in my journal
About Opportunities to SI
- What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
I was isolated. I was hurting. I had tools very readily available to me. - Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
A bit of both. The tools were there for the taking but I had to isolate myself for a little bit in order to do it. - What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
I would have withdrawn into myself and it would've gotten worse until I'd either had a chance to distract myself in a positive way or talk it out with my support system or until I'd had the chance to follow through and SI to kill the pain. - If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
Increased -- see above question. - What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
Being alone and having the tools to do it and not being able to distract myself in other ways. - If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
I think I would do one of two things: get better via being able to properly care for myself or the urge would build up to such a great level that I would stop caring about opportunity and just getting rid of pain and I would SU outright.