slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.
- have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Done. - what had happened just before?
I got up at 3 a.m. Had some coffee and checked my email. Had breakfast. Eventually woke my husband up since he had to go to work. Went to buy laundry detergent and at the same time picked up some knife blades. Had some tea, took my meds. Got my stuff out and hurt myself. Very much premeditated. - what were you thinking and feeling?
Thinking that I’m tired of conforming to other people’s opinion about what is suitable for me to do with my body. Thinking that I still want to wear short sleeves this summer so I couldn’t do it just anywhere. Thinking that it’s midsummer’s eve (a holiday here) so I shouldn’t cut enough to need stitches, since the hospital emergency is probably quite full. Thinking that I’m happy that I can still do it, that I haven’t lost my nerve.
Feeling excited, a little nervous. A huge sense of relief. Feeling hot and a pounding sensation in my head. Afterwards, contentment, a feeling of strength. Some guilt about making my husband worry, but mostly feeling happy. Still feeling happy. - why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
It had been building up, I simply had a good opportunity this morning as I was at home alone. If not, I could have waited another day or more. - how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
Towards the end of my recent month-long IP stay, I was allowed out on my own. I got some tools, but never used them, handed them over to a nurse. I was still kind of agitated depressed at that time. I’m much better now, but just touching those tools made me incredibly tempted. I should never have picked them up in the first place, but I was seriously too fucked up at that time to reason properly.
The main thing that has happened is that yesterday I had the last T appointment before our 2 months summer break. These breaks never concerned me much before. I don’t know why I’m suddenly really disturbed, but I guess I feel closer to T now than before and have opened up more. Trusting makes me feel vulnerable, and I keep thinking that I should not depend on anyone as it’s not safe. Then when I find myself feeling sad about not seeing my T for a while, I get angry at myself for caring. There’s not much I could have done to avoid this situation. Maybe if I had expressed my feelings differently, I would not have hurt myself, I can’t say. - were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Yes, I have slept too little for two nights. Sometimes I do, due to meds or my condition. I have tried to use self discipline to go back to sleep after I wake up in the middle of the night. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. - what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I wrote stuff out in my blog. It helped me sort my feelings, but that also made me see just how much I wanted to SI, complicated. I didn’t really want to stop myself. - in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I don’t know. - name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
- how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I’m feeling better in that I don’t care as much about not seeing T, so I’m not going to hurt myself further over that, I don’t think.
My way of distancing myself from other people through SI, that I don’t know what to do about. - are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Stronger than usual thoughts about not wanting to be close to people, or feeling overwhelmed by other people’s concern and affection. - what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
The only thing I know that has sometimes helped in the past is to communicate my feelings, verbally or in writing, to my husband, T, friends or on the net. It’s not fail proof, it does work sometimes.
