The situation won't change, no matter what I do.
[*]what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring paranoia and bring back bad habits. But it might take away the exhausting misery, at least for a little while. Maybe take my focus off the problem, redirect it to the problem closer at hand (SI), a problem I can actually fix (I already did, returning to it would create a fixable problem).
[*]how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
It didn't do anything last time I tried >.< I want to feel strong again..
[*]if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The best option would be to confront the problem. Not the problem itself, mind, but how I feel about the problem. I could get help for how I feel about it, I could get support IRL. But SI is so much easier... the relief will last as long as the "session"
[*]what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could have a cup of tea, curl up into a ball, cry myself to sleep. But I'm so tired of being weak like that. It wouldn't change anything.
[*]how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I want to feel strong, feeling the new scars hurt. But last time, that didn't work. I'll probably just feel angry at myself, maybe disgusted, and maybe ashamed that I'm too stupid to hurt myself properly. It won't make me feel better tomorrow..
[*]what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?[/list]
I want someone to hug me and listen to me. I want someone to just listen and not tell me I'm stupid, not get angry at me, not ignore me.
But what do I want to do? I don't know..
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I feel useless because I cannot change the situation. I remember why I used to SI. It gave me a sense of control. I'm feeling out of control right now. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I don't know why I stopped SIing. I think I was just too disgusted at myself to continue on. Maybe I felt like I was more in control. The problem is still there though.
Maybe I could just SI in moderation, and not be so addicted to it like I was before. But... one year... one year, I went over one year without harming myself. It took so much strength to do that, right? So why do I think pain will make me feel strong? I don't know... - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I haven't done anything so far. Well, I did have a bath. That was nice.
I could get a cup of tea and read a fluffy book. - How do I feel right now?
My heart feels like it's empty again. I think I feel grief, and I think I feel like I'm out of control. I also feel dread. I don't know what I'm dreading. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I will be removed from all emotions. I remember the feeling so clearly. How everything disappears. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I will try to dissociate myself from the fact that I SIed (if I don't, I'll be disgusted and feel even worse). The next morning... I used to feel strong... but when I slipped, I felt nothing.. Could this be a sign that SI isn't the answer? Then what is the answer??
I want all of this negativity to ebb away... - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
- Do I need to hurt myself?
After I slipped, I felt like I never wanted to SI again.
But I also want that old feeling again. Was I really happy when I was SIing? I want to feel like I'm in control again.
I don't think I need to, but I think I'll end up hurting myself tonight.
