please, be forewarned that it contains triggers for language, and try not to read it if you're in a bad place.
Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel better temporarily. the urges will probably go away for awhile. I will probably feel shitty afterwards, but I don't know if i'll regret it. I will have more scars, and more shit to deal with. I probably still won't care about anything.
* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will temporarily take away the urges. It might take away the way I'm feeling, but if it does, that will come back. this isn't really going to help me deal with anything. again, more scars and more shit. It will take away the time I've had away from si. Not that I really care right now. I don't know how long it's been. It might bring regret. It will probably bring guilt and shame. Possibly an entire relapse to si instead of just a slip.
* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't know. I kind of am feeling too apathetic right now. I don't really give a shit. I kind of feel like all that matters is that right now I feel like shit, and I don't care anymore, and that I'm sick of trying, and that I found a tool, and that it's not worth it anymore to fight the urges. But there's a part of me that realizes that this probably isn't going to make me feel better, and that there's a good possibility that tomorrow I will feel shittier than I did before. And that it's just more scars to deal with. And that it won't have been worth it to si. And that in a couple of days, or months, or years, or whatever, I'm gonna look back on this, and wonder if it really was worth it.
* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Probably not too long. It will probably help me sleep. I doubt much longer than that. in the morning I'll either not care some more, or wish I hadn't done it. I might be pissed at myself. I might regret it, and I might feel guilty about it, and I'll be ashamed of it. but shit happens.
* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
try and sleep. sit in my bed and watch a movie, or mash or something. sit outside and smoke. read proust. If I do any of those things, I probably won't sleep.
I will probably stay up all night. it will continue the whole feel-like-shit thing.
I don't know. this could stop tomorrow. my mood might suddenly pick up, and things will get better. but I can't hope for that. there's too much shit in my head. I know better. at that point, I don't know what i'd do. I probably will still feel like shit. I won't be functioning, and I won't be able to focus. I still won't care about anything. I will probably still be fighting urges of some sort. and I will probably give in to one of them. whether it's the ed, or the si, or the drugs, I don't know. but probably something.
* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself, I will probably feel ashamed of what I've done. I will feel like a fuck up. I might feel guilty, and I might feel pissed at myself for what I've done. There is a slight possibility that I will continue to feel this way, and be depressed enough to not care about anything.
If I do the other things, I might feel better. I might feel a little proud of myself for not giving in. I don't know how important that will feel. I might not really care. I will probably still have urges, and I will probably still want to do these things to myself. I will probably continue to feel like a fuck up.
* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to stop feeling this way. I want to not be depressed anymore. Or at least not this depressed. I am sick of being depressed to the point of apathy, and not functioning. I am tired of not being able to focus. The part of me that wants to get rid of this wants to si.
By doing the other things I thought of. By finding something else on the coping list to do. By not hurting myself. Ignoring the urges, or finding a way to make them go away that doesn't harm me.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Because I don't want to feel this way anymore, and my body and my mind, and somewhere inside of me feels like si would make it stop. stress, depression. self hate. lack of communication. insomnia.
* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, and no. I have been at the point of wanting to si after having gone so long without it. There were times I dealt with the urges, and went on with life. I felt fine afterwards. Other times, I ended up si'ing, and felt like shit afterwards. sometimes, it helped.
The no because I don't know if I have ever been in this emotional state before. I am literally depressed into a stupor. And I hate myself so, so much. I can't function. And I am probably making things worse because of this. The past couple of months/weeks I have been fighting urges. I have been using coping techniques that work for me, and finding distractions. I felt like shit. There were times that I felt a little better, but I haven't really been happy. But I don't know if it's worth it to fight anymore. I feel like I should just give up. I don't care about anything, and honestly, my body, and scars, and having to deal with all of that is far down on the list of things I care about. I don't know what to do anymore.
* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
These questions. Music. Read some. I could read some more, or knit. watch a non-triggering movie.
* How do I feel right now?
urgy. depressed. I don't know what to do with myself.
* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
.calm. like there's a possibility that everything might be okay.
* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I feel like I've already answered this question six times. it's been reinforced enough. this isn't going to make me feel better tomorrow. this is a temporary thing, and it's not something that is going to help me in the long run. It will probably help me sleep, but other than that, I will probably continue to feel like shit tomorrow.
* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I don't know. school is going to be there for a while. I guess I could plan better. it was pretty bad planning on my part .
* Do I need to hurt myself?
No. it's obvious by the fucking millions of people that don't feel compelled to do this to themselves that it is in fact not necessary for people to hurt themselves.
I'm sorry if this seems offensive or petty or stupid.
I'm sorry it's so damn long.
