Before relapsing in to anorexia...

[ReineDuSommeil]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It'll just make things worse for me, make my health deteriorate, my mood terribly worse and will affect my loved ones...


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It'll bring my ed thoughts satisfaction and empowerment.
It'll take away all hope of being happy and recoevered.
It'll probably also take away my gf, if I'm not careful... And I don't want her to leave me beause of my actions.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel thin and powerful, able to quell desire.
Hurting myself will not gain me that; it'll give me pain, suffering and constant hate and worry.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It'll only bring relief until people notice, until I notice how wrong I am. Then I will be too scared to recover, and the whole process will start again..


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could make a meal plan, and stick to it. It'll give me a routine to stick to, something to make me feel secure, in a way, knowing I'm in positive control...

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Tomorrow... I'd feel fantastic, I'd fel like I'd succeeded in starving today. Unless I ruin it tonight by binging, as I usually do...
If I do the other thing, I'd feel like I'm thinking. Like REINE is thinking, not ED...

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to be with M. I want us both to be safe. I don't want us to hurt ourselves anymore.


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm scared of recovery. I want to be bones, numb to feeling again. I'm sick of feeling sad.
And yet the only reason I feel sad is because I'm scared of what I'd be doing to M if I do this again...

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
No, never. When I developed my ed it wasn't a 'conscious' decision, and I never felt this upset. (...I say 'conscious' becasue I suppose it's me forcing myself against my own thinking...if that makes sense?)...


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I haven't done anything to ease it. Unless you count si? Instead I could talk ot my T, and make her understand that I want to speak more about my eating problems...

How do I feel right now?
Sick, confused, sad, on the verge of tears.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I'd feel numb... but never satisfied...

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I'd feel...complete...

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I don't know if I can...

Do I need to hurt myself?
....I want to.
But 'I want' never gets....

[amyfairy]

hey kiddo,
just wanted to let you know that i'm reading your posts around the board and you know i'm feeling the same way. it's horrible and scary and a pain in the ass to constantly be thinking about food.

*probably pretty challenging*

I want you to really understand that you can have a better life than this, that there are amazing oppurtunities waiting out there for you to grab, that life can be anything you want it to be but you are wasting it with this illness. you can spend your life being ill and losing weight, but at the end of your life then that's that. you can't change it, you can't start again. That would have been your life, your only shot, and people won't look at you in awe and wonder, remarking at your amazing will-power and the beauty of your bones. That is the way my ED glamorises the illness. But it's not the reality - this is that people will be scared and sad for you, and think what a waste of a beautiful girl.

I am considering going to a beat self-help group and am wondering if it could be helpful for you. even if not, you need help with this as you're obviously not beating this on your own. Recovery is possible.

sorry this got so long and maybe off-tangent, I kept typing and out came all the things that I am trying to stop myself from realising but I think it's the truth and you really do deserve better than this.
PM me anytime. xxx

[zazie]

Hi. I'm here and I'm reading.

It seems pretty clear from the post that this would bring short-term satisfaction to certain parts of you, while making the rest of you feel bad and seriously damaging your long-term happiness. I think it's good to acknowledge that there'd be some temporary satisfaction, while still keeping in mind how much harm it would do.

That meal plan idea sounds good, as does going to the therapist and asking to talk more about these issues. Good luck.

[ReineDuSommeil]

Thanks Zazie, thanks Amy.

I have no energy to really reply right now, but I posted in my place earlier about my sesh today with my T...

Saw my T today.


We actually spoke about my ED for the first time in a while. I told her about my imminent relapse, and she said that she didn't want to force me to do anything, but that I should conisder at least having breakfast and dinner, otherwise if I don't eat my mood will be shitter than ever. Which is true. It's probably because I'm eat all over the place that my moods are all over the place.


We spoke to my Dr to get my dosage raised. I wanted it. I'm obviously not happy. I told him about feeling su, needing to si, and how I purge, restrict, binge, and how I spent much of Easter in bed, and how I have done no work...

I'll post more here later, when I've woken up a bit...