Before (return of the ghosts)

[Stellaria]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  There are stressors - I don't feel confident at work because my head gets tired very quickly and it's hard to focus, though it's better now that I have reduced my hours, but that also makes me feel embarrassed that I couldn't handle it.
  
  Therapy has been a bit heavy lately and I don't know what to make of it. It's like I change personality when I go there, I become much more withdrawn and defensive.
  
  But actually, those things have been going on for several weeks, even months, and I have been upset sometimes but soon could turn my attention to happier things. I only started to get serious thoughts about SI a couple of days ago, soon after stopping one of my medications. I have other disturbing thoughts too.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I browsed through an old blog yesterday, which was a bit of an eye opener, I could see patterns that I didn't see at the time. Several times I would stop a med on my own accord, have an upswing and then crash, often hurting myself one way or other and ending up in hospital. I guess I never handled it before I nosedived and was ordered to go back on meds.
  
  This time, I had my doctor's approval to stop the med, so I haven't been irresponsible, but I had sort of brushed aside the thought that stopping it might do something to my head...
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I have made myself go through daily routines, not let my control slip. I'm telling myself that it's just a phase, it will pass.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Very strange. Because I'm not unhappy, not at all depressed, I just have all these images in my head of SI and longing for it.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Relief, shutting down the thoughts. I will feel strong and like nobody can get to me.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  I would probably be terribly upset with myself for falling back into this nasty habit.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  If it is indeed to do with the medication, I have to face the thought that maybe I should go back on it, or a similar one (I don't want to take the med, but if I need to I must be rational about it, and it helps me decide if I have thought it through properly). But I need to give it some time, because it may just be a discontinuation thing that goes away when the body has adjusted. Well, I will wait until I see my pdoc in April and see how it works out.
  
  Meanwhile, I will keep myself distracted, tell my husband if it gets bad, and not allow myself to buy tools. I know that to some extent I can manage to just sit through the urges. If it gets worse and there are more weird thoughts I will call pdoc. I will tell myself that it's ok to call before anything happens.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  No, I just need to keep an eye on things.
  
  To write it down sorted my thoughts a bit.