Before (fond memories)

[Stellaria]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  The reason slips through my fingers... there's this gnawing restlessness inside... I look at my old scars and remember.
  
  Maybe it's related to the changes happening in my life. I'm confused about my identity and where I'm going from here, now that my head has been straightened out quite a lot (not all the way, obviously, since I still can think about hurting myself).
  
  Without SI, I feel like a coward. At least I could do something that makes a lot of people cringe. And it makes me laugh out loud when I write this, because someone eating a fly would make me cringe, doesn't mean that I think fly-eaters are masters of courage. I know it's twisted. I have somehow been feeding off other people's discomfort, at the same time as I have hated myself for making others uncomfortable. Somehow it made me feel real, my own person, doing something that others disapproved of.
  
  I'm scared that becoming normal, losing my extremes of mood and behaviour, will make me invisible. A Stepford wife, sort of. If I step back and take a breath, I know that is not true. I have people who love me as me. But the thought creeps back time after time: If I'm not crazy, I'm nothing.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  On and off, mainly in the last few months. I have waited for it to go away, which it eventually did, then came back, etc. I didn't feel anything, just focused on other stuff.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  When it was bad last night I went to the gym. Walk in the cold, hot shower. Helped for the moment. Now I'm going to get myself ready, put on a brightly coloured dress so I'm not invisible and meet up with some friends. Talk lots and laugh loudly.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Like jumping out of my skin.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Focused, calm, numb.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Probably regretful.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  Well, I need to transition into my "new life". I'm taking steps towards returning to work, and my ambition is to pick up new interests to keep myself busy in a positive way, though I don't know yet what it will be. I need a new identity, without forgetting about the old.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  Want to but don't need to. I need to know that it's an option if I so choose, but right now I can choose not to.