- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I feel like i am stuck, like i am in treacle and i cant move forward. i cant see anything but the grey swirl of the future and its getting to me. People keep talking at me, but not listening to me. I cant cope with these feelings, i dont knwo how to change them. None of my normal coping strategies are working. Cutting myself will bring me round, it will clear the fog, give me something that seems positive to focus on for a bit. It is a decision and at the moment i cant make decisions so it will feel like progress. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring things into focus, it will make me feel real
It will lead to disappointment in my friend, he might end up abandoning me because i am cutting - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
In the long run i want to be SI free, i want to be able to cope with emotions, i want to live a happy full life with friends and family around me. i want a partner, i want children, i want a future.
Hurting myself will not bring me closer to any of these things, but maybe these things are unachievable anyway, maybe i am totally rubbish after all. Maybe i should just forget about having goals like these beacuse they are so unrealistic. If thats the case - what does it matter if i cut or not. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Relief will not last long, but it might last long enough to get me motivated to do stuff again.
I am tempted to burn myself, and the relief afforded by that will last longer as the injury is more serious than the pathetic attempts to cut that i do to myself. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I am at work, so am limited by what i can do instead. I cant talk to anyone, i cant do any of my normal coping strategies, the only thing that would take its place would be to eat junk food. I dont know which is worse. If i eat and dont cut, no one will see but me (on the scales), but i will be worse when i realise i have put weight on as a result. If i SI not eat, people may notice but at least i wont have put any weight on. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If i hurt myself then tomorrow i will feel silly and disappointed with myself.
If i eat then tomorrow i will feel absolutely disgusted with myself, and may turn to self harm to punish myself. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to eat.
I really want to hurt myself
i dont care about anything else at the moment.
I am going to get a cup of tea and see if that helps
Miffy
