Before:
Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I'll feel better for a short time, no urges anymore. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
I'll feel eased....no urges anymore.... - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I'll feel bad about it, like a failure, having physical problems...and the urges will come back sooner or later. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It depends, sometimes it lasts for a couple of hours, sometimes for one day..sometimes for minutes. And then I'll have to binge again... - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
That's a difficult question. It's just 6PM now and I'll have to pass time until 10PM (because after that, I won't go out anymore). At 7 PM, I'm gonna watch TV until 8:15 PM. Maybe there's even a film tonight, I don't know...films are not always a good distraction.
I'm drinking a lot of water and tea, because like that, I'll have to go to the toilet constantly and I don't want to go out with a full bladder.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will feel guilty, bad and have remorse. If I made it without bingeing, I would be kind of proud, I guess... - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I don't want to binge. Really, I don't want to. And I don't want to honor the instinct because I think it's not very protective - I'm just bored, so there's nothing to protect me from.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm bored and I don't know what to do with myself. Consulting the watch makes me scared, because I don't know how to pass this day. And the day after. Etc. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yesterday..but the urges started later in the evening, so I had to pass only 1-2 hours...and now 4 hours. yesterday I drank a lot, I tried to sleep (didn't work, same for today), I was online... - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I tried to sleep because I feel dizzy/tired. Failed, I think I'm not tired enough to sleep...I don't think I'm able to read right now because of the dizzy feeling. So right now, I'm online, hoping it's distracting me...
As I already mentioned I'm going to watch TV in one hour. - How do I feel right now?
Dizzy. I hate this dizzy feeling. My therapist said it's like derealization..I just feel like I took sleeping pills and they're working now..or like I drank alcohol. But I didn't, haven't taken medication today...The colours of the computer screen are strange, my brain feels very strange..don't know. And as I already mentioned - I'm bored. Don't know how to deal with the hours remaining for today... - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Like a loser. Like "you did it again! You're a failure. You always fail. You're gonna be fat!" And I'll have abdominal pain, lasting maybe for hours, and having problems with my IBS for days... - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
physical pain, sickness....but relieved because of taking away the urges..tomorrow I'll probably still have physical problems and I'm gonna feel horrible, like a failure...and due to that I'm poissibly going to eat again, just to prove myself I'm a constant failure. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Guess I should have a structure in my day...but that's something I don't know how to handle...have to talk about it with my therapist though. So right now, I can't really avoid it. When it's getting colder outside, I can go out more often. - Do I need to hurt myself?
No, I don't need to. I don't want to. I want to learn to deal with the urges without eating tons of unhealthy stuff.
I watched TV and was able focus on it, and I did some body exercises. 