i fail

[Spidey]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

i have been urging for so long now (24 hours plus) that i don't even know. maybe it'll make the wierd anxiety building thing go away. because i feel like this is just one heck of a layer upon layer thing. i know, this answer makes no sense.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

a sense of calmness, less urgency. it will take away the fact i'm less than a month and a half shy of a year si free. other than that i don't know. i'll just be *calm* again.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i'd like to say that i got through it without hurting myself but that seems like such a rote response now. i don't know what i want to feel, i just want the current feeling gone.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

it depends on time and situation. and damage caused. i know that i could sleep fitfully and not be wiped.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

go back to bed, watch wantok, ummm watch the rest of deadliest catch, listen to more tmn

it won't change anything because it's this awful anxious-type feeling and nothing really makes it go away BUT si. it will get me through to tomorrow morning...

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

i will feel shitty that i hurt myself and blew almost a year. if i do the stuff i came up with i'll probably be okay tomorrow morning. but t hen there's this huge thing that says that i don't care if i si. it's inevitable anyway.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

:: shrugs :: i just want the feeling to go away?

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

why do i feel the need...

because it fucking hurts inside
i feel incredibly anxious and i've had quite a few anxiety attacks/bullshit spells the last week
because i...feel stuck. and trapped. and condemned.

what has brought me to this point?

living. feeling trapped and condemned. some stupid shit i did. missing si. ehhhh. "living" is the only real answer i can come up with.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

waited it out. and that's why i'm here now. i guess. i just buried it. i guess. i don't know. the feelings never really went away.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

i've listened to tm network, i've slept, watched deadliest catch, pet Teeks, ate good food, slept, slept, slept, got stuff ready for tomorrow.

i could watch a live but what the fuck. it's only just "distraction". the feeling isn't going to go away. and no amount of talking can do shit fuck all about it...

How do I feel right now?

exhausted, lonely, fed up, TRAPPED AND CONDEMNED, irritated, lost, anxious beyond belief, angry to an extent, sad, tired of everything

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

i never feel when i hurt myself

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

i will feel calm. i will feel okay. better than i do now if not slightly stupid. tomorrow morning i'll feel dumb and stupid but i'll feel less anxious and stupidity is a feeling i can deal with since it encompasses about 99% of my life.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

i don't know. everything is overwhelming right now.

Do I need to hurt myself?

i've always felt this uestion to be unfair.

because...if i didn't feel if i needed to...i wouldn't be answering these questions.

so the answer is yes.

[Mistress]

idk if this will help... one of the things i tell myself when the urges get really bad is that everything changes with time. even feelings.

i don't know if that's true for anyone but me, but for me, if i can wait it out, the intensity will diminish. takes a hell of a long time sometimes - sometimes i get truly distracted and then just realise it's *gone* - and there's no guarantee it won't come back, but y'know... life sucks like that.

the other thing that does it for me is sheer stubborness... i hate not being able to choose freely - being pressured one way or the other (or both!) even by my own feelings.

is there anything else that will make the weird tension-axiety type thingy go away? (i used to my martial arts club for this because they'd let me attack the punchbag, and pretty much anyone else in the room XD great stress reliever. iirc, you have some physical issues, but i don't know if they'd stop you doing something like that. even if you don't have equipment or willing victims, a run and some stretching after can make you feel more... at home in your own skin, almost.

this is all stuff that helps me... your mileage may vary, but i hope some of it helps you too. even if it's the fact that i sat here and waffled at you.

take care, spidey.

[Mistress]

oh, and dude...

not a fail.

you're trying. that's the best you can do - sometimes it's all you can do - and you're doing it.

serious brownie points for you. because you *keep* trying.