Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
in the moment the feelings will be outside, the situation will stay the same overall with cutting/or pills - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring a release of tension, it will bring pain for feeling stupid for having stupid feelings. It will hurt my friends - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to have something stable, I want to be heard and really heard. It will not change the stability, but it will make me heard, not in a way that I want - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it would last the night, the repercussions would/could last a while. I am somewhat scared I would go farther and farther instead of stopping. Maybe I'd become tired and sleep or get caught - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
try to just sleep, read, stay online I could tell z and c that my head is a danger zone - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I would feel bad and like I am betraying my friends, part of me says that if I cut I could do it where they wouldn't see though.... if I slept thats probably best I took a couple (real dose of the pills in question) and that should help. If I talk to my friends I think in the moment, and maybe day after I would feel awkward but probably later feel better not to have scars or go too far - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I am generally upset, I feel like my friends didn't want me around, which was not true, but I've been feeling pretty vulnerable in general since I told z about the pills I took so I think I'm extremely sensitive to things at the moment... I knew the feelings were not based in anything and they even told me so pretty much when they came back, so I feel bad for having the hurt come up at all... if that makes any sense
I also feel guilty for always asking for and needing help, and being so sad and gloomy - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yeah, and not totally beat the urge yet, I've staved it off, and done the whole harm reduction thing- instead of pills I cut, or sleep if I can hold off the urge long enough. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I sorta told z and c, that it seemed like they were kicking me out, (in a stand offish way, I think they got it and did apologize) So I hate that those feelings are coming back. - How do I feel right now?
vulnerable, alone, confused, useless - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
that I did something, that I am as stupid and hard headed as I feel - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
stupid, tomorrow at least. I would feel like I'm letting friends down - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Um, I think this is mainly my head space, which is possible, I did do the pills and cutting, I ended up meeting with my friends who I felt hurt by and we had a good talk, and I told them what I had done. Continuing to tell them when I feel bad and or urgy, that it's ok - Do I need to hurt myself?
Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.
