before

[treasure]

i ranted a bit in my place about how i was feeling and i turned a strong urge to si into something else. i'm not sure what i'm feeling now. the urge to si is still there but it sort of comes and goes. i think i'm angry. maybe frustrated at myself for not doing things i'm supposed to do. more angry than i should be though? i am trying to think of something slightly destructive i can do. i have a bouncy ball but i think it will mark the walls and may dent them since i'm likely to throw it that hard maybe i have some paper to rip up? i'm not sure if i have any, i've left most of my belongings in storage while staying in "temporary" accomodation. i like it here though and will stay a while, so i really should get some of my stuff so i can use it when i'm bored or urgy or something.

anyway. i would feel too self-conscious to do anything too physical or going outside. loud music may be more of a trigger for these feelings. i think i will go search through my stuff for old papers. then maybe play music since i have some library cds that are less emotionally connecting than more familiar music...