...before...

[lily_trying]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? i might feel less scared, more grounded. the situation wouldn't really change.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? it would take away the chance to deal with the feelings in other ways. it would bring a quick or known way of feeling 'better' and... just not like this.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? i want to feel safe, secure, cared for, i don't want to feel the way i do right now. it seems like harming would bring me closer to that though i guess logically it wouldn't... but it feels that way.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? can't think enough to think on that right now...
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? i don't know. i could contact someone, but that feels like the last thing i'm able to do right now. & i don't deserve that. i could try to work on grounding exercises or just try to distract through it.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? ...my concentration is horrible right now, normally i'm able to answer the questions, but right now my mind keeps going blank.... don't know.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? i really want whatever it is that will make me feel protected & safe.
• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? i can't concentrate on anything, which makes it harder to use distractions. i hate that i can't concentrate. i feel very ungrounded, very dissociated. i haven't been taking care of myself at all. it's been a while since i've actively tried to fight the urges instead of just giving in, and that's making me more nervous. and i feel terrified & scared & panicked & i just wnat all of that to quiet down.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? i have, but.... it just seems 'worse' than before.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? ate a bit, logged on here, put on music. i don't know what else to do...
• How do I feel right now? embarrassed & ashamed & stupid for dealing so badly, not knowing what to do, etc. exhausted. alone. scared. ungrounded. overwhelmed. like i don't matter, invisible.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself? would like to think i would feel more 'together', but if not, at the least i would feel numb/blank.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? ....
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? deal better, yes (just not sure how), avoid, probably not.
• Do I need to hurt myself? want to. feel like i need to, but logically no...