...before...

[lily_trying]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? the feelings will be numbed & the thought patterns i'm having would quiet down. i would feel relief from those things, otherwise the situation itself doesn't really change.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? bring a sense of relief or a "break" from the feelings/thoughts. can't think of what it would take away beyond that i wouldn't have as many days without si'ing again.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? ...not really thinking of the long term, just wanting to feel okay & at peace in the now, which it seems hurting would bring it closer.... but if i force the long term thoughts... i guess the same or farther away.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? for the rest of the day, maybe into tomorrow. after that, probably go back to where i am now with urges.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? i'm not sure of what i could do to change it long term. short term, i could take a nap or just rest to music, and/or get a meal, self-care type things i haven't really done yet today... or work on contacting people.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? if i did si, i would probably feel relieved somewhat, or distracted, but also upset with myself for another thing. if i use the other things, i'm a bit uncertain with how i would feel tomorrow... hopefully a bit happy or proud to not give in to urges but i don't know. (...maybe si look more attractive because it seems like i know how things will be after, where if i don't si it seems uncertain how things would be right now?)
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? i want a break from the way i am, or relief... i could try to find distractions that might give a bit of that feeling instead...?

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? the urges going on, and the other thoughts i'm having all start to feel like they're too much to handle, and other physical pain is amplifying it. i also just think & feel like i can't cope normally, because someone irl implied that, and i'm believing it right now & feel like it's pointless to fight against the urges if that's true.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? with some of the things i have, and i probably distracted & waited out the urges with that. but other things are new or just feel new.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? tried ignoring the thoughts & feelings, waiting them out... probably sort of invalidated them without realizing it with ignoring them. went out for a while, things were better when i was out but i can't do that now so... find other distractions but accept the feelings at the same time maybe.
• How do I feel right now? shaky, drained, sore, useless, unable, triggered, worn out.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself? blank/empty, maybe relieved.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? right after would be the same as during... by tomorrow i guess the benefits would be gone & i'd either feel the same as now or upset from giving in.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? ...unsure, just feel like i should deal with it better but can't.
• Do I need to hurt myself? no, not logically, although feeling-wise would be yes.