Before/After- Patchesmany/Ongoing

[patchesmany]

I am putting them all here so I can track them over time, as that is one of my goals in doing this before/after. It is easier for me to do on the computer than in paper, as a computer is a better distraction for me.




Before- 2/14/08- 1:31am



* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I will feel that relief, That sigh, that I know everything will be okay.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?


It will bring me peace of mind for a bit, as well as relief, It will bring me back to the body. It will also bring me shame and guilt.


* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?


The relief will not last long enough. It never does. Then it starts all over, it's a horrid cycle.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?


I am trying now to do things instead. I have journaled, checked other forums, distracted. Doing these things doesn't change it, it just puts it off, as the need grows, eventually I will end up doing it, whether that be tonight, or 3 weeks from now.



* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I will feel guilt and shame if I do it. If I don't I will feel proud but I will also know it is a cycle I have yet to win, and I wonder when I will, how long can I go.


* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want peace. I really want to feel in the body. I really want the pain to go away. I have no idea how to honor that. My way of honoring is SH.

Patchesmany

[patchesmany]

Before-2/14-08 1045 Pm

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  The anxiety will be so much less, maybe even gone.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  The anxiety and panic will be much more manageable.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  At this point I just want the panic the anxiety to go away. I'm tired of it, tired of feeling it, so yes SI will get me closer to that
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  The relief however long it lasts will be good but never long enough, then I SI again, or struggle iwth the urge to.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I am so filled with anxiety and panic that I can't think right. I'm not sure what I can do to not Si
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  I'll feel good that I had some relief and very shameful at what it took to get relief
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I just want ot feel better. The only other way I see out of the panic is to SU and i don't want that, I just want to feel better for a bit.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  Panic and Anxiety. It's valentine's day and it panics me for some reason. I'm not sure why. We are safe now. We are safe.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I don't remember but i'm sure I've been here before. I likely took meds to go to sleep, or SI'd.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I don't know
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Anxious, panicky
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  pain then relief.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  numb. tomorrow i will be numb for a bit then just depends on the day but there will be guilt.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  i have no idea. We will ask for an increase in our lexapro at our next GP and tell him that PTSD is really bad right now.