after...:(

[special_k]

* have you taken care of your physical wounds?

yes

* what had happened just before?

massive panic attack

* what were you thinking and feeling?

if i only could let myself do it, i'd finally feel o.k.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

i finally felt like i came to grips with the overwhelming urge to do so, and i rationalized it to myself that it's not such a bad thing to do

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

last several months have been ridiculous. panic attacks 3+ times a day and so on. lots of stressors and factors. and finally i couldnt take it anymore. ive been working on getting a new doc set up and whatnot, but it all takes so much time. i wish it didnt take so much time.

* were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

havent slept properly in several months. again, working on the docs thing. no meds at this time. don't think they would've helped then anyhow. if i make up my mind, it's made. i wish i was more flexible with myself.

i should be more flexible with myself. but i get to that place and it's hard to turn back.

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

i talked to M. she helped immensely, but ultimately it was the choice i decided on. i could've tried sleeping, i could've popped the t.v. on, i could've distracted myself in a thousand different ways but i knew nothing else would take the edge off.

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

i could've ran upstairs and woke S. up. and talked to him. but i was afraid.
i could've taken a bubble bath to try to ease the panic. i could've played an online game. i could've forced myself to try to sleep.

* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

come back here and read this again, and remember how i feel now.
write it down and place it on my nightstand.

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

no, it's not. but i'm working on that, like i said.

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

yes, most likely. i've been there many many times before. it's what i choose to do when i am. sigh.

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

talk to S. about it. right then, not a week later after I've done it.
put all sharp things away instead of using any.
call M. on the phone as needed.

[Chaocontrol6]

It seems like you've got a lot of contructive advice for yourself for the next time you have such an urge, which is really good to learn, especially when you learn by yourself instead of other people advicing you, that's really good

Also I noticed your signature, WOW @ the 3 years and many more days, that's extremely good, don't let the slip ruin your morale, you're doing a really good job and you have ways of improving right here, which is a good thing to turn to

Keep it up, you should be proud

Jason