Before

[WishIKnew]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  It will not change the situation, but I’ll feel better, for the moment anyhow.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will make me feel like I’m in control and some sense of relief for the time being and will take away the anxiousness, feeling of being unworthy and of being a failure.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to be in control of how I feel and not let past experiences have a hold on me anymore. It will make me feel closer to being it if I do SI, but in reality it will only take me further away of being all that.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  Until the same situation repeats itself again. Hopefully I would have figured out a way of not letting this upset me so much and will be able to let it slide
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could sit down, take a couple of deep breaths and think this over. It could either make me realize that it’s past tense and that’s where it belongs or it could make me feel even more overwhelmed. If the last mentioned situation is true, I’ll try distracting myself and leave the trying to work this thru for another time.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  If I do SI, I’ll feel like even a bigger failure and if I do the other thing, I’ll have more self respect and I’ll have something to be proud of.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  
  I really want to resort to SI-ing but I owe it to myself to think this over and give myself a fair chance at this.
• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I feel unworthy; as I’m constantly told that I’m wrong, incapable and everything I do can always be bettered by someone else.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Yes, SI’ed, the feelings and thoughts of past experiences were numbed for a while.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Really tired of fighting this.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Relieved, in control and the intense pain will be numbed.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Right after, I’ll have a sense of relief and calmness which I so desperately want right now. Tomorrow morning I’ll feel guilty and angry for failing myself and others.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I can’t avoid this stressor, since I have no control over what other people say or do, but I can probably deal better with in the future. I don’t really know how, as I don’t really know how to avoid hearing what my dad says. They’re supposed to act in your best interest right and be truthful, right?
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Yes, real badly, but I made a promise.