After

[tzanti]

his happened a week and a half ago...


* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes, I tried to do it that night, but had to do it in the morning.

* what had happened just before?
I got home to chaos, actually more filth than there had been that morning, more junk and no gas again. I put some on and tried to pick up the house but it was just too much and I went upstairs to call my mum. But the phone cut out, when I was in tears and at my wits end.

* what were you thinking and feeling?
If I keep going, all this stops. There was more than just SI in my head that night. When I got a grip, I cried and hit and cried and hit some more, trying to get back in control.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
There was nothing else. I had no other option that I could see. I just wanted it all to end.

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event.
I just ran out of options. I had tried for weeks but short of moving out, and I have almost no money, there was nowhere to turn. I tried talking to people, but it's hard to explain. I've never had a houseshare like this before, dysfunctional and insular, with no cooperation in anything. If there was another way, I don't know where it is. If anything SI was the better choice I made that night, over SU.

* were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
This is a thing of months. All my housemates, aside from one or two (there is quite a turnover in our place) have been lazy and selfish. They do housework, trash, pay the meters under duress only. The latest addition is even worse, as he gets on my case all the time about the bills, and keeps me awake at two in the morning with loud music.

In addition, my job (now over) was more stress. I had nothing left but the walk each way, and going down the pub in the evening. But I still had to come home, and every night was a bit worse, and every day was unbearable.


* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
Exercise and alcohol and being sociable even when I just wanted to curl up and cry. Up to that night I did everything I could think of. That morning I had a had a cold shower, that is a good last resort move because it hurts, but won't do me any harm and really snaps me back to reality. I couldn't make that work, and spent the whole day at work shaking and frightened.

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Moving out months ago when it started to get bad is what I should have done. I can't sleep in the house at the moment, between being wound up and the noise from downstairs. Sleep has always helped me more than anything else.

* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I have no idea. If this happens again, I don't think I'll be here to write this.

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
No it is not resolved. I am getting out of that house. I don't know when, but the new guy is doing threats and intimidation, and I can't be doing with that.

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Tonight or tomorrow, when I go home. I will be trying to remember that I can't stop them by hurting myself. But SI is rarely that logical for me.

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

Fleeing. I don't know what else to do. Even that would only work until I stopped and felt the failure. This one won't stop. Maybe I can delay it, or something.


About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.


* What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
I didn't know what else to do. If anything, SI saved my life this time. SU was where I was headed.

* Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
It was there.

* What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
I have no idea, I think would have kicked in anywhere.

* If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
I don't think I would be here to write this.

* What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
I am a hitter, I am my tools. I am mostly impulsive, my urges get overwhelming really quickly, sometimes before I even realise. I don't look for ways to do this. I look for ways to stop.

* If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
I might actually feel safe, if I felt anything at all. But hitting had replaced SU thoughts for me for so long, I fear where this road goes.