before.

[PassingCloud]

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i have no clue. it might make me forget.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring a bit of calm to the situation. it will take away my pride.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i want to feel calm on my own. i want to not feel so sad. i want to cope with things. SIing will for a little while bring me closer to that. but no, not in the long run.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief will not last longer than ten minutes, at the most. then my gf will come home and i'll feel ashamed and like a failure. i will curl up with her and cuddle her. and talk to her.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could snap rubber bands around my wrist. i could squeeze some ice. eat something. have chocolate. cuddle a toy. that will last... i dunno. a little longer. then... i can try other things i have written down on my "coping skills" list.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  tomorrow i will feel ashamed.
  if i don'T SI i will feel proud.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

what i really want to do right now is cry. cry and cry and cry. and have someone hold me and listen to me. i want someone HERE, physically. i feel so lonely. i could best honor it by putting on some music, cuddling with a soft toy or my kitten and just let the feelings be.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  i am overwhelmed and feeling lonely. i just got out of ip. things are hard.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  not in this exact situation. but i'Ve felt lonely before. i put on some music or the tv then. that made me feel a little better.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i have tried writing in my place. not much. i can try the other things i listed already. especially some warm food might help.
• How do I feel right now?
  sad. lonely. lost.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  calm.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  ashamed. ashamed.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  i can avoid it by never going ip again! no. i can'T avoid it really, sometimes i will get overwhelmed and stressed out. sometimes life will just be too much. but in the future, i can do all the things on my list. just like i will try now.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

no, i don't need to. it'S the wanting to that disturbs me.

[Proximity]

Do you think that when your girlfriend gets home, you can ask her to cuddle you and talk to you and listen to you?
I know you know, but I will remind you anyhow, that you don't need to be in crisis or to have hurt yourself to need and want those things, or for her to just take some time and love you.
I think sometimes we avoid asking our partners for what we need because we feel like we don't deserve it, but that's what's great about being loved, it's not about deserving or not deserving, it just is.

Playing or cuddling with your kitten sounds like a good plan, I wish a lot these days that I was allowed to have a cat in this apartment they can be a good comfort, and they seem to *tune in* when their people don't feel right.

When you were in IP, did they give you any ideas/support strategies that you could use when you got home? Is there someone you can call and talk to, or could you look at pictures of friends and family?
Maybe you could write a letter to a friend that you miss.

Warm food is another one of those things that tends to help. It's OK to want things you know are bad for you, and it sounds like you're working hard not to act on these urges. I think it's good to realize that wanting and needing are different things, and that wanting does not need to be followed by acting.

take care.


prox.
[robotic heart: just keeps beating]