Yes, but I'm still in pain ~ I took a pain killer
What had happened just before?
I had opened up about a lot of stuff that has happened to a friend. It felt good getting it out, but later on when I was trying to sleep - all the visions came back. I just hate myself.
What were you thinking and feeling?
I HATE MYSELF! I can't do anything right. I'm incredibly exhausted and sleep deprived. I don' know who I am. I feel selfish for opening up. I want to talk, but I don't want other's self pity. I'd rather just help others and fuck (excuse my language) myself and well being. I don't have a place in this world anyway...
Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? What was it?
Like I've said before, the evening is the most difficult time of the day for me. I was always reflect and dwell on the happenings of the day. I did feel good opening up some, but then it backfired later that evening. Final straw - self loathing, extreme stress, feelings on inadequacy, I'm tired of feeling sick all the time and the doctors not being able to find out how to treat me, and I'm still having PTSD flashbacks.
How did the situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. Look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. I'm just so DAMNED lonely!!
Constant dwelling on things that have happened. I'm tired of being treated like crap. I feel like I'm a burden to people I talk to. I feel like a charity case or that people just feel sorry for me. (I just feel that I'm constantly bothering people.)
Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?
Definitely a lack of sleep. I skipped my meds for 2 days. I don't know what to do about the sleep - I take my sleep meds and go to bed early, but I end up staring at the ceiling for hours. I just wish I could erase memories from my brain - how can you let go of difficult things that have happened to you??
What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work?
Reading
Online
Doing school work
Rocking and pacing
Chatting with a friend who was being supportive
But later when I was alone, it (all the bad thoughts) came back and slapped me in the face.
In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? What were they?
I tried texting my sister-in-law - but it was just too late. With my ADD and OCD, I just couldn't think straightly
Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
1- Take my anxiety meds, though I hate to rely on meds
2- Honestly, I just don't know - it was too late, not many people here
How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Still VERY MUCH stressed - not resolved, so much to deal with and I need to chill - this is almost impossible as I am OCD, but I can't dwell on these things. I guess I just need to accept I'll never be good enough.
Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
YES - I'm pretty much 100% sure it will happen again in the near future
Reflecting--->leading to depression and anxiety.
Negative feelings toward myself.
What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.
1- Work on staying focused and making a calm atmosphere
2- Make a list (maybe with help from others...help anyone?) of good things about myself
3- Take anxiety meds.
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
My heart hurt - I needed the rest of my body to hurt to take away or lessen that pain. I had RAGE directed at myself - why can't I do anything right?
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
I can always find an opportunity - I'm too smart for my own good. I love reading, I just wish I could tap into that love to help me stay calm and distracted
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
Probably stayed the same - my heart still hurts
What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? Having new tools? Waiting for the right feeling?
Being alone for sure!!!
Not having IRL support
Having tools available for sure! I'm too creative.
STRESS!!!!!
If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
If it's that bad - I will find a way.
After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
Haven't beaten an urge in awhile - I need help and support
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
Yes - in OCD thoughts and in retrospect. Also, loneliness, tired of being put down, talking about horrible things about my past that I've told no one about, and feelings of no self worth.
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
Dwelling on negative thoughts.
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
It doesn't matter - they didn't work
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
No, I have packets of strategies that are no longer helping, I need suggestions, not abstract suggestions, but one I can actually do and feel good about them
If No - What coping skills got me through?
None - I have my old therapist's number, but I'm terrified to call her
Why do I think they worked?
I just don't know what works anymore.
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
I don't know - talking and opening up to someone really felt good, but it came back to bite me in the ass. Like everyone else, I need less stress in my life. I just want to feel loved and want people to care for me in return - I give so much to others...which I want to do, but sometimes I need help. I don't know......
