Before (happy and urgy wtf?)

[Stellaria]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I don't know. I'm not upset. I have had a good day today, been in a good mood for a few days actually.
  
  Unless it's somehow dragging behind from the utterly shitty start of the week. But I'm feeling so much better now. And it must be about a month since I last hurt myself.
  
  I have just had these very vivid images in my head all day...
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I'm sure I have but I don't really remember specifics.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I have kept myself sort of busy. Nice things like a walk in the sunshine, a yoga class, baked rye bread and sweet cinnamon buns, a fun email conversation with my older son who dared me to take an online iq test, watched an interesting science piece on tv, hugged b/f a lot, plus just everyday chores around the house.
  
  I can have a hot shower, watch a movie, listen to music and play a computer game, water the plants, do the last of the dishes, have some more green tea... it's not really a problem to keep occupied, is it.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Divided... fine but at the same time tense. Not scared, but yet as if I'm waiting for something to happen. Not focusing my thoughts well.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Stronger, more defined. Or maybe nauseaous. Both.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Guilty for being selfish and making b/f worry.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I don't quite understand what is going on so I don't know.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  No. But it doesn't feel good not to, I don't feel proud of myself for resisting or anything like that.

[balletomane]

You're doing everything right, in my opinion. It must be frustrating to still feel urgy after all of that. But you're doing a good job of fighting.

[Stellaria]

Thank you B for the kind words.

I can have a hot shower, watch a movie, listen to music and play a computer game, water the plants, do the last of the dishes, have some more green tea... it's not really a problem to keep occupied, is it.

I did those things. Am feeling wound up now, sad and angry. Pissed off that I need to be considerate to people. That I don't own myself. Feeling sick of acting rationally.

Guess it doesn't matter, nothing will happen, I'm going to bed.

I wish I was a better person.

[Stellaria]

The 'happy' part seems effectively gone for now. I haven't hurt myself though.

Not that this makes me feel any better. I can't figure it out really. With some other things I can often at least feel on some level pleased with myself when I fight bad habits. If I have fruit instead of candy, make a dreaded phone call that I had been putting off, get off the couch and walk to the gym, skip alcohol, stop myself from spending money stupidly... it can take some effort, but I can feel a little proud for doing the right thing.

I don't feel that way with the SI right now. Just angry, sad, deprived. Trapped because there are people who care about me, and because I feel responsible for their feelings. Resentful that they want me to be safe, and very guilty for having such thoughts about people who are trying to help.

Hope I can sleep some of it off.