Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? I will feel more on top of my emotions. I will be able to handle the hurt I'm feeling and the homesickness better.
- what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? It will bring me the feeling of control. It will take away my need to talk to my director about this issue because I'll be able to deal with it, even if I don't like it.
- how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? I want to feel as though my opinions were heard. Likely it will take me farther away. If I SI, then I won't feel that the issue is as pressing to speak about, hence I won't and nothing will be done about it.
- if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? It will only last a while. Then I will be stuck with dealing with the fact that I now have more cuts to cover - and still no way to cover them - which is part of why I'm upset to begin with.
- what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? I could and should speak with the director of my school again and let her know that I'm completely uncomfortable with this and that I do not feel it is what I signed up for. If I do that, it will last a lot longer - hopefully resolve the whole issue.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? Tomorrow, if I hurt myself, I'm going to have to deal with people (especially young kids) seeing my marks because I'll be in a bathing suit, and possibly not allowed any type of cover up. If that happens I'll feel embaressed, ashamed, angry, and probably sad. If I speak with my director again and express my concerns - and am listened to this time, maybe I won't feel so bad - and won't feel like I have to cut.
- what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to feel like I can keep my secret. I want to feel like I don't have to show my body to the world. I love to swim, but hate swim suits - and don't feel that I should have to be in the pool.