before

[treasure]

i don't feel a really strong urge to si, but i've been forcing myself not to for a few weeks and have had si in my head most of the day. i find it easy to go 2 weeks but not much longer, so the 3 1/2wks free is positive. i'm not planning to stop forever cos i know i won't be able to promise myself that i won't. i don't even know what my reasons are for stopping these past few weeks i would just like to write out how i feel right now and what i could do to help some of the urges.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will be disappointed in myself for 'giving in' (although if i si for a reason i think is justified then i won't be disappointed), and dislike myself for not being strong enough.
  the situation that is bothering me most is stressing over a uni assignment. si will probably help me cope with that. it will make me feel powerful and that impetus will make it easier to handle my assignment. although it will help in the short-term, it doesn't technically help my capabilities as a student or my capability to handle stress. i need to find productive ways of achieving those things.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring a 'quick solution'. it will take away my anxiety and help me ignore my fears/feelings/failings (ooh alliteration )
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i don't want uni to be as hard, but reacting with si does not make it any easier, nor does it prevent me feeling the stress next time and "needing" si again. in the long run i guess i would like to not be stressed at all, but that is a bit impractical i would like to have a set of strategies to cope with stress, and not need to rely on si.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  if i si, the relief will probably not last long. my assignment is due in 2 1/2 days so i will probably stress more til the due date and if i can't hand in my assignment will stress (and hate myself) more. so what i mean is, si can help very briefly and i will be back to being stressed but with the disappointment too.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  right now? it's saturday, i've done some cleaning and other productive things so i don't want to force myself to do uni work. nor do i have to do it today. i hope to relax and not si. for specific things, i guess i can eat dinner in a few hrs (ie dinner time), i will look forward to shows on tv tonight and for the moment play music, post on bus and play games.
  i don't think i can deal with the stress at the moment as i have noone to talk it over with. i am hoping i can do as best i can without needing to spend heaps of time on it, and hopefully i can hand in a reasonable solution. ie i don't want to fail, but i also want to reduce my stress, so i will try and balance that.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si today, tomorrow i might feel like it's not worth trying anymore i am a bit fragile i think and maybe si will lead to negative thoughts but not si-ing could lead the same way quicker. i hope i can do this w/o si and i will probably be proud of myself if i can.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  self-protection is to stop myself feeling stressed, overwhelmed and giving up. i can try and consciously relax myself (breathing etc) and be aware i'm fragile at the moment.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  stopping si for 3 weeks it gets harder every day. i get images in my head and get hyper-aware of my scars and the places i si. i counted my scars today for a distraction. (didn't make urges worse or better) i don't want to stop, i'm not ready to stop, but i want to prove that i have the strength just to *try*! i felt like not-trying meant i was weak and lazy, and maybe to some extent that is true, but si has a lot more reasons to do it than just not being bothered to stop. i've found that i'm not falling apart but that is a possibility cos i don't have much support at the moment. anyway, i forget the question!
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  no? i haven't tried to stop si for a few years maybe. (i've si'd around 5 years)
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i've written down my feelings, i've made myself have a shower (not right now but a number of times in the past few days, and it's helped)... i've hugged my cat, tried to cry (with sad music), flicked a rubberband on my wrist, drawn on my arm, done uni work and housework, chatted to people... lots of things not all today, some were yesterday and the day before... what else i can do... anything on my coping lists, creative stuff, reading, call my sister...
• How do I feel right now?
  proud of myself. smiling at the last question. hopeful maybe.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  in control. reckless. powerful. calm. possibly a bit excited.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  powerful, like i have a great secret to deal with pain, better, alive.
  tomorrow - withdrawn, disappointed, angry, hopeless
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  for the assignment or the general urges from not si-ing - both possibly but not sure how. probably need to discuss with a t, maybe with my dr to get a referral to a t.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  no

[caged bird]

wow it sounds like you've got a really really positive outlook on trying to keep yourself safe.

well done on going so long without SI, i now it can be really really hard when you get stessed over uni work, is there someone that you can tal to about your wor and how much it's stressing you, a tutor or friend on the course that could offer some help and advice to make it easier.

[treasure]

caged_bird. that's from answering the q's when i wasn't as urgy. the positive outlook wavers considerably.

i can email issues to a lecturer, but it's not so much the work load as not having a textbook and not being confident enough to ask for the uni's copy of it. and being really unsure of my ability. i got 80% in the fist assignment when i was expecting around 60, so it's easier than i imagine it to be.

i would like (i think) to be less pessimistic but that is probably a complex issue about putting myself down and avoiding disappointment. so anyway, it's an idea for the future

still no si today despite wanting to