not doing so good....before

[chero]

Before:

Before You Self-Harm

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  it won't. i just need a solution--even if it's temporary. i just need it.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring some peace...even if it's just for a little bit. as long as it will get me through the day.
  it will take away my 49 days with out si
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  in the long run i'll feel terrible i did it. but i can't think about that right now. i need to calm myself
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  as long as it gets me through today i'll be okay. i'll think about the rest later.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could journal or call my counselor but i don't think i can. i just need this now. i need to feel the pain now.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  tomorrow i'll feel terrible if i si. tomorrow would be 50 days without it. i'll feel so bad.
  i just need it. i need to get it out of me.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i really want to cry. i want to just lay down and cry but i can't. i can't let myself cry.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  i'm overwhelmed with sadness over the upcoming divorce, my husband's addiction to alcohol, his sadness that i'm betraying him. my friends are telling me to get over it...to stop the sadness...to just be okay. how do i do that? i only know how to if i pretend and i can only pretend to be okay if i cut.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  i cut. i felt like i could make it another day.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i'm trying to be okay. i'm trying to put on my smile and be what everyone expects me to be.
• How do I feel right now?
  i feel like the world is folding up around me and i'm about to be swallowed. things are getting tighter and closer and i'm more and more afraid. i just need an outlet. i just want to feel the pain in some way so i'll be okay and can keep going. i just need to be okay.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  i'll feel justified.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  i'll feel sad that i did it but better for awhile.
  tomorrow would have been 50 days without it.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  no avoiding life.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

i need to get this out of me somehow....

[LBC]

Hi Chero

You sound like you're in a very frightened, anxious place...do you ways to cope when you feel like that? Deep breathing is a very simple, fairly immediate way to cope when anxiety starts to become very overwhelming...

Why can't you let yourself cry right now? What is threatening about letting yourself feel sadness and be "not okay" for a couple of moments?

Those questions might be too much to answer for now...but they might be things to discuss with your counselor. Because it sounds like there's a lot to feel sad about in your life right now, and no one could fault you for feeling that way...sometimes trying to bury the emotions makes them seem so big that they seem impossible to cope with, when allowing them to come out through a constructive outlet (talking, journaling) actually makes them easier to bear.

I hope you're okay. Take gentle care.

[chero]

thanks lbc.
i'm sad to report that i start over with day 1 tomorrow.

i can't believe it. well, i guess i made it 48 full days without.

i guess there isn't much to say. i didn't cope very well. i was sad today and i agree that i have a right to have a sad day. things in my life are sad right now. someone actually said to me today that my sadness would continue until i stopped it.

how do i do that??? they were upset because i was having a sad day. so then i felt bad...ugh!

i don't want to think about it.

tomorrow is day 1

[LBC]

Hi Chero

The good news is that tomorrow is Day 1...you aren't letting a slip deter you from your ultimate goal. It would be easy to give up, but you aren't.

And you know you can go 49 days, because you've done it before. That's an accomplishment! No one can take it away from you. And since you've done it once, there's no reason why you can't do it again...and go longer next time.

As for your friend telling you that you have to be the one to stop your sadness...personally, I think we feel what we feel, and there's not much use in trying to pretend that we feel otherwise. Actually, I think that the way to get through a situation like yours is to *let* yourself feel whatever feelings might come...but without fear of them, without judgement of them, and without trying to bury them.

That can be difficult, though...again, it's something you may want to talk with your counselor about.

Please be gentle with yourself. We've all slipped, and it doesn't matter - it's having the courage to try again that counts.