before... feedback very welcome

[Peege]

think this is my first time here...
its been a while since i last si'd - its not deliberate, it just happens sometimes.
but somehow that time makes si'ing feel like more of a big deal...
anyway...

Before:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  stupid but obvious - the urge will go
  i might feel something...
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  bring:
  - relief
  - clarity
  take away:
  - tension
  - confusion
  - fear? <--- i'm not sure if this is the feeling i have but it is the closest i can get to naming it.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i basically want to feel something definite.
  rather than knowing i feel something, but not knowing what that is, i want to feel something - even if thats simply pain then relief and eventually maybe regret.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  i have no idea. it might not even do anything. or it might last weeks.
  i dont know if hurting me is the best option, it just feels like my only one right now. which i guess makes it the best option by default.
  i deal with the future when it happens... i cant tell you what i'll do then.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  sleep. but i'm really not sure i could... it would take me out of the situation (whatever that is) completely. it will last a night. and then i'll wake up again and i might still feel like this. or not... its unpredictable.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself?
  i may feel regret. tho more likely i will feel pleasure when i feel the pain from what i did to myself. almost... pride? no, but... something positive. the regret comes when the cuts turn to scars, but thats a long way down the road...
• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  i need to feel something. all i can feel is this overwhelming feeling that i ought to feel something. i think there is something right beneath the surface but i cant access it. its just numbness. i need to feel something. and maybe pain will release whatever it is. or if not, at least i'll feel the pain right?
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  tried to write - failed
  tried to talk - failed
  tried to ignore - failed
• How do I feel right now?
  numb
  confused
  frustrated
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  i will just be in the moment, i wont feel
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  what with the stressor being myself, it isnt really all that likely
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  mm. i think i do. well... it feels like a need. but i guess its really a desire right? but no... it feels like need.

[Binayshee]

hi peege,

if you want to feel something definite, maybe
ice cubes or an ice cold shower would help? it'd
be hard to not feel something under those cir-
cumstances. i know what you mean about something
is just below the surface and you don't know what
it is. i don't like that feeling either. something that
works for me sometimes when i feel like that is to
make a picture of it instead of writing. sometimes
that helps me connect or understand where i'm at
better. how did things go? did you make it through?

[Peege]

Thanks for the feedback, Seradjernie and Helika

i basically want to feel something definite.

How do I feel right now?
numb
confused
frustrated

So you are feeling all of those things plus you mentioned fear, thats alot to cope with but as your feeling all of that it seems better to me to work on what your feeling rather than cutting to find more feelings.

to me, numb is a way of describing not feeling, so it isnt really a feeling as such... and the confusion and frustration were relating to that numbness so they kind of all pooled together to form a big sea of not much... if that makes sense. the fear wasnt fear... i think it was probably just frustration.

if you want to feel something definite, maybe
ice cubes or an ice cold shower would help? it'd
be hard to not feel something under those cir-
cumstances.

these are good ideas and work sometimes for me, but wanted to feel things emotionally, rather than physically... i often find that si'ing releases whatever emotions there are in me that i cant connect with - only si'ing does that tho, none of the alternatives.

i held out til this morning and then gave in.
*sigh*
spose that means i should do the after questions but i cant really be bothered... apathy reigns