after

[awake.unafraid]

· have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Yes

· what had happened just before?

I was going to take a shower, to ready for work – before that I was checking my email, myspace, college mail

· what were you thinking and feeling?

I was feeling frazzled, overworked. I was really dreading not going to work, I’d only had one day off this week. I was alone in my house and I just felt disconnected. There wasn’t anybody online, wasn’t anybody in my house, I made a Place and still felt desperate.

· why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I missed hurting myself – there was nothing that just pushed me overboard. I guess the event could have been rejoining Bus and openly reading and thinking about SI again.

· how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I was the only one on the computer, nobody on Myspace, nobody on Facebook, on WB boards, nobody on aim, nobody replying here, so I went to take a shower, angry that I had to work and hating that I’m being used by my employers and since there was nobody here, I had opportunity and while I could have taken an ice cube, or put on loud music…I didn’t.

· were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

No drugs, no alcohol, I’m currently unmedicated, [which may have a lot to do with it, honestly] and I haven’t been sleeping well at all lately. I worked a lot of 9-5 days which means being up at seven, when I might finally fall asleep at 4. The only thing I can really do is tell my work to schedule me less, but we’re really short handed and so I feel guilty for doing so.

· what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

Trying to distract myself with online stories, TV, music, …it was pointless. I was too anxious. I was worried about how much time I had before work. So I just put myself in a situation that I really shouldn’t have.

· in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

If I had grabbed some angry music and my boom box – that probably would have helped more.

· name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

Put my box behind my boombox, so I physically have to move my boombox to get to that and physically remind myself of something else I can do instead of Si’ing.
Put a yoga dvd on top of that

· how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

I really don’t know.

· are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

‘That emotional place’ doesn’t like to leave. I’m in that place more than not, it’s easily recognizable, harder to prevent.

· what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

-Listening to Linkin Park or MCR
-Not going into the bathroom until I’m emotionally ready to just take a shower without hurting myself
-Yoga – I just bought a new Yoga DVD that would have helped calm me down


About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

· What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?

Nobody was home

· Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?

There for the taking

· What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?

I would have driven to work and probably given into my urge in my car

· If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?

Increased

· What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?

Being alone. I actually just threw away majority of my old tools after my slip.

· If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel?

Desperate, trapped, panicked, withdrawn, angry, snappy

[plantt]

it was pointless
--how are you defining pointless?

[awake.unafraid]

defining pointless by knowing that i was just trying to distract myself and knowing that its never worked in the past and wasn't going to work now.

[plantt]

rather defeatest attitude there =)

distractions often only buy time. they're not really meant to "fix" things... only help keep busy...