before -- June 19, 2007

[the edge of the world]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

It won't.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

I'm not sure... it would take away the time I've been SI-free. It would satisfy the self-destructive urge.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I don't want to have urges to hurt myself. I don't want to be fighting myself. I just want to be living, as unaware of myself as I can be.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

It probably wouldn't last too long.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could... just sit here. I could try to sleep. Neither would help much. I could take my mental illness nutrition stuff, because I'm pretty sure I'm feeling badly because I haven't taken them properly in a couple days (I took 5 yesterday, but I've been taking 10-15 previously)

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I will feel dead? I don't know how I'd feel tomorrow. Maybe it would be nice to feel invisible, though.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I think I'm maybe hungry. I'll go eat and read a book, maybe.

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I'm just feeling destructive, which I turn towards myself. I didn't take my nutrition stuff how I should.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes, I've been here before, of course. I always come back here, now don't I? lol.... what did I do? I never did much of anything, really. Or I did something... oh, I don't know! I can't remember.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've grumbling into my place a little bit. I can go eat a nighttime snack. I think I had dinner too early.

* How do I feel right now?

Ok, I guess. Definitely not my worst, just not wonderfully.

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

I would feel relief and blankness.

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I would feel blank, maybe, too.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

What stressor? Not taking my pills enough? Yes, if I weren't so damned lazy and knew for certain they helped I might be more diligent.

* Do I need to hurt myself?

No, I won't.

[LBC]

Hi Edge

This sounded like kind of a frustrating post for you to write...but I'm glad you perservered, because I saw some things that it seems to me might be worth exploring.

1. You're not taking your nutritional supplements. Why is this? Is it inconvenient? Do you just not want to? (Why is that?) You say you're not sure for certain that they're working...were they helping while you were taking them? If so, what's making you doubt that they're working?

I know that's a lot of questions...but I have to take a lot of meds for seizures, and issues related to all those questions have come up for me at one time or another. And sometimes suddenly stopping or dramatically reducing a treatment that your body is used to can take a real toll on you (I know this from experience).

2. The other thing that came up a lot in your post was hunger. Pink Spider recently reminded me of a great tool to use when you're trying to figure out why you feel the way you do: Stop and HALT. Take the time to assess whether you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. All these things affect our emotions...being hungry or tired in particular makes me really, really irritated.

Do those two themes make sense?

I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

[the edge of the world]

1. You're not taking your nutritional supplements. Why is this?

I keep forgetting, leaving them at my mom's house when I go to my dad's, waking up late, not eating breakfast (threw them up this morning because I didn't eat breakfast , but usually I just don't take them because I know you're not suppose to.. this morning I was intending to eat breakfast after I took them, but got sidetracked and was too nauseous by the time I got to them).

Is it inconvenient?

Yes, it is.

Do you just not want to? (Why is that?)

I'd rather not take them, of course. And sometimes it seems like it's not worth taking them (and paying for them...).

You say you're not sure for certain that they're working...were they helping while you were taking them?

I felt better when I was taking them, but I'm not sure that's because I was taking them or not.

If so, what's making you doubt that they're working?

How can I be sure that it is them and not my state of mind when I remember to take them which is just a better state of mind? I'm very analytical and prone to doubt.

Also, there is a lot of doubt about them. I think I heard that the FDA does not allow nutritional supplements to say they are treating any type of illness... and a lot of doctors don't believe they work. (But there has been a lot of research showing that they do work -- just not enough).

2. The other thing that came up a lot in your post was hunger. Pink Spider recently reminded me of a great tool to use when you're trying to figure out why you feel the way you do: Stop and HALT. Take the time to assess whether you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. All these things affect our emotions...being hungry or tired in particular makes me really, really irritated.

I didn't know what to eat... everything requires preparation, which requires energy, which I didn't have.

I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

I am

Thank you for helping me work through these thoughts!