before

[chero]

write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
I've moved out. I'm currently not living with my alcoholic, abusive husband and I hate it. I hate the shame he has caused me. I hate...I hate everything--myself the most.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I just want to feel real and feel something real. I couldn't make this marriage work. I tried so hard but it's never enough. The situation won't change but maybe I can feel real or alive or it just hurts so much.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring me relief. It will bring me pain and freedom and control. it won't take away anything.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't know how to feel in the long run. i want to feel free. i don't want to want him.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it won't last long enough. omg. i don't know what to do.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i have to get ready for work. i have to go about my life. i don't have time to do antyhing else.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
tomorrow, today even, i will feel shame. shame that i can't control myself. shame that it's happened again.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
right now i just want to pull the covers up over my head and pretend a little longer that i'm okay.


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i let him hurt me all the time. i need to be in control of myself. i need to feel alive and better and i want to hurt, too, for not being able to make this marriage work. i did everythign i could and it's not fair.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i've never left before.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
what can i do??? i dont' know???

How do I feel right now?
i feel like i'm about to explode inside. i feel lost and scared and alone. and i feel like i'm never going to be okay. i feel out of control.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
like nobody else can hurt me and nobody else will have to know about this hurt. this shame will be all mine. just me.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
shame. shame and shame


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
????

Do I need to hurt myself?
i think i do. i think so. no, i don't have to but i want to so much. i need to feel okay. i've got such a big day ahead of me at the ofc and i don't want people to know that i'm falling apart. i just need to be reminded and punished and i don't know.

[LBC]

Chero, I answered your After post.