before 05/11/07

[the edge of the world]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

-I will feel more justified in thinking that I'm not okay instead of just that I'm making things up.
-I'll not feel as su.
-I'll feel like I have more self control (intentional si as opposed to impulsive).
-I'd be relived of my frustrations and the thoughts about being worthless and hopeless would be smaller background thoughts because I'd have to focus on something.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

bring:
-relief
-satisfaction
-knowing I need something, even if it doesn't tell me what it is
-focus away from thoughts that I don't like

take-away:
-swimming on the class trip (probably)
-some self-respect in that I've gone over a month waiting for this trip

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

Long run... I'd like to feel better, whatever that is. I don't know that it would get me either closer or farther from feeling better in the long run, but I don't have any other grand ideas.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

-it wouldn't last too long, but I could poke at it until I went to sleep and after sleep I usually feel less intensely anyways.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could...
... do my dishes... they desperately need to be done.
... clean my room and do laundry (also getting low on clothes...).
... email my T, knowing that she won't know until she gets back from Hawaii.
... email my pDoc the thing I showed him today because he wanted it.
... order my grandmother's mother's day gift.
... work on costumes for our class play.

Those sound a little exhausting.

I could...
... die.

I'm not allowed, though.

I could...
... read.
... work on my lines.
... erk, also intimidating tasks....

Maybe I'll make myself a coping box. I've been meaning to.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I'd feel disappointed and angry with myself. I would feel better/unchanged tomorrow if I did the other things I came up with, probably.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to hurt myself. I can go lie down and then make myself a coping box.

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I'm feeling hopeless about feeling better. The pDoc said I'm anxious.. yah, no duh. I told him that. I wasn't expecting anything in particular, but... I dunno why I'm even seeing him. I'm not on any meds and don't plan to be, really. The nutrition stuff I just started hasn't kicked in, understandably, but I wish I didn't have to exist until it does (and I hope it helps... I'm kindof doubting that right now).

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes, I have been here before. I usually just SI and feel relieved.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've gone to the bookstore to browse. I've been pretty nice to myself today.

* How do I feel right now?

a little crappy. in case that wasn't obvious. hopeless, tired, frustrated, useless...

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

calm, blank

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

after:
-blank,
tomorrow morning:
-sleepy with emotional amnesia.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I don't know.

* Do I need to hurt myself?

No... not exactly "need."

[LBC]

Hi Edge

I really admire you for so thoroughly answering the questions! You obviously did a lot of thinking about them, and I hope it helped.

It must be hard waiting for your nutritional stuff to kick in...even on meds there's a period before a lot of them kick in, and it's a very difficult time for many people. It sounds like you've got some good plans in place to get you through that time...making your coping box...are you able to email your t generally?

I don't know if any of that helped, but keep using bus and b&a too...I see your name around. Bus has gotten me through some pretty tough times.

Take gentle care.

[the edge of the world]

Yes, I am allowed/able to email my T (and do.. very often... nearly every night, usually).

Thank you, little_bear_cub