before

[teacher2B]

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I'll be calmer. This tension I feel will be gone. I'll be focussed. I'll feel in control. I might be able to sleep better and not have bad dreams.
  
  
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring calm, focus.
  It will take away my desire to be better. To do better. To work on not hurting myself anymore.
  
  
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? .
  In the long run....I don't know. Being messedup has it's appeal right now. I guess I do want to be si free, but I don't at the same time. My parents told me they would buy me a latte if I made it until Friday, so that's my short term goal.
  
  
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It will last for the night. Maybe a few days. Then I'll be fighting urges again.
  
  
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I'm at work right now, but work alone at a hotel and have stuff I could use here to hurt myself with--have before at work I guess I could drink tea with honey (my favorite). Keep coming on here. Watch tv.
  
  
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I'll feel disappointed in myself. I'll HATE having to tell my parents. They asked me to tell them if I hurt myself and even though I didn't really say I would, I still feel like I should.
  
  
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to not fight the voices any more. Coming on here is helping.


More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I had a panic attack last night. I'm really scared I'll have another one when I get home from work tongiht. My parents told me to wake them up if I needed to, but I hate doing that. I kept them up late last night as it was and it took them several hours to calm me down. Hurting myself is much faster.
  
  
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Yes. Sometiems I hurt msyelf. Times when I didn't, I just let the feelings roll with increasing intensity until they finally wnet away (usually once I managed to fall asleep)
  
  
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've been coming on here. I ate dinner. I'm at work dang it. What can I do here?
  
  
• How do I feel right now?
  Tight. Angry with me. Bad. Evil.
  
  
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Focussed. Calm. Peacful. Happy.
  
  
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Imediately after I'll feel great. Almost euphoric. Tomorrow--probably still feel ok. It'll hurt some. I'll tell msyelf I deserve it. Then I'll have to tell my paretns at least before they reward me with the coffee which I won't feel right taking unless I actually earned it.
  
  
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can't avoid it. It's just life. I moved back in with my parents to avoid the big stressors (what to buy for groceries, living on my own, badevil bosses, etc.) It's better, but life still exists.
  
  
• Do I need to hurt myself?

No, but I want to

[LBC]

Hi teacher2B

It sounds like your parents really want to help...and it sounds like you think that as well - you've written that they have offered to be there during the panic attacks, and that they're offering incentives to keep you from self-harming.

It also sounds like you want to work with them as well - you don't want to have to lie about self-harming.

Why don't you believe that you're worthy of the support that they're offering? What keeps you from fully accepting it?

"Being messed-up has its appeal right now" - that's a powerful statement...very real and honest. What's the appeal? Are there healthier ways to get the benefits you're getting from being "messed-up"?

Take care.

[teacher2B]

I'm scared of their support I think. There was some abuse stuff that went on when I was in highschool and younger, so now that they are being nice and supportive, I think I'm having trouble trusting it. And, in some ways, I odn't want it. I feel like they are controlling me (even though I know that's my feelings, not what's actually happening.) If I do decide to hurt msyefl I don't have to tell them. If I do tell them, they'll be sad, but won't do anything to me. I know that, but I still feel like.

DANG IT I WANT TO HURT MYSELF! WHY THE HECK SHOULDN'T I! Sometimes I want to say that to my parents but I don't.

I don't know why I like being messed up. I first remember liking it when I was like 12 and saw a video on anorexia and what I noticed wasn't the painfully thin bodies but how much love and caring they were getting. I wanted that. Whaddya know, within 2 years I was anorexic. I discovered sh on my own, but it spiralled more once I knew others did it.

It's something I can call my own.

If I wanna hurt myself, why shouldn't I be able to?

[LBC]

Okay, I can understand why you'd find it difficult to trust them, if abuse went on. That's just natural.

It sounds like you're also wanting some personal independence in your life. Can you think of some healthier things to "call your own" than hurting yourself? What are some other ways you can focus on defining yourself, some other choices you can make that you feel will define you?

I realize those are hard questions. I struggled with them for a long time.

Of course you can hurt yourself if you want to. But is it really going to bring you what you want out of life?

[teacher2B]

Healthier things to call my own. Hm.
I run. I'm not very fast, but I do like it and I'm going to run in a 5 mile race in 2 weeks. I have to watch that though because I have ed tendancies, and tend to take the running too far and not eat enough and lose weight, etc. I'm afraid if I use it as a substitute for si, I'll take it too far and start overexercising again.
I play the flute but don't have a band or orchestra or anything, so it's hard to feel like it's doing anything.
I used to teach but that fell apart. I defined myself by working arouund kids and now I'm scared to.

But you're right, hurting myself isn't going to bring me what I want out of life. Unless I land myself in a hospital--which I think has been a longstanding goal of mine though this is the first time I've ever really admitted that.

And if I make it through today, my parents buy me a latte tomorrow