Before

[Hawthorn]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

It will relieve some of the pressure


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

I don't know. A sense of purging perhaps. Of getting rid of 'the bad shit'

It will take away the feeling of guilt I have from eating so much.



if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Not long, and if earlier today is anything to go by, it'll soon be back again.


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I'm posting this. I'm crying as I do it. Hopefully it will relieve some of the 'ugh' that's building up inside. I don't know how long the change will last, and I suspect I will just keep eating, and so wanting to purge.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

Guilty and scared I think. Scared that it's becoming too strong to resist again.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I wish I knew.





Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Eating lots and lots, and purging, and the guilt and SH that comes with that.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes I've been here before. I just fought it and eventually it went away (or transformed into something else.......namely SU) Still the same, just in a different way. I hate myself, and that's the root of it all.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Purged. Purge again. Will that hurt me? I dunno.


how do I feel right now

I've got a huge lump in my throat and I just want to scream myself into oblivion


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Satisfied and guilty. Pain.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Guilty. Like I've gone back to the beginning again, after all this time. Like giving up.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I don't know what it is that triggers it. It just comes on.


Do I need to hurt myself?

Yes and no. I know there are better ways to deal with it. It's just the urge, you know? I need a cigarette.

[ChaseThisLight]

I'm sorry you're not in a good place right now. And by filling out the questions and thinking about them you're taking the first step to consider something else other that SI. Have you thought of writing out a list of distractions for times when you feel like this? It may sound dumb, but I know when I get in the frame of mind where I want to hurt myself, being able to look at a list of things I could do instead helps me to remember that there are alternatives.

I don't think purging is a safe alternative to SI. It is also very dangerous. And to answer your question, which I believe was rhetorical...yes it will hurt you.

I hope you are doing alright.

[Hawthorn]

Thanks NotMardy.

No I'm not doing alright. Been there again, and I'm just in a mess. I've talked to my parents and they think that I'm just having an 'off' day, and that I should pull myself together. I daren't tell them the rest. The last thing I need is to be called stupid.

I know they're only trying to understand and help, but they don't acknowledge that I have a problem at all. They think I should just 'snap out of it' and be happy and joyful and productive 100% of the time. Anything less is failure, and I'm just lazy.

Purging is less visible to the outside eye though, so in that sense it can be hidden, and I feel far better about doing that than the other.

I'll have a go at writing a list. Can't get my brain straight at the moment, but if you think it'll help it's worth trying. I'll put in on my 'to do' list. Thank you.