Ahh! first time poster on B&E. we'll see if I actually get past the submiting part..(i never do)
Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
If I hurt myself, It will make me feel like I'm me again.
- what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring me back. I guess it will take away from my recovering process.
- how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
This? by this meaning what is making me want to SI?? I'm not sure I understand but I have nothing better to do than try to explain. In the long run, I want to feel normal. Well, my norm to what I preceive it to be anyway. Hurting myself will get me closer to how I think I want to feel.
- if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Maybe another few days, a week? Then I'll just hurt myself again. (seems like a never ending process)
- what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
Instead of hurting myself, I guess I could do what I'm doing now. Before and After?? Maybe by time I'm done with this, my feelings and urges will be suppressed. I don't know how long it will last. They will likely come the the surface, sooner rather than later if I don't deal with them properly. (although, I'm not sure I know how to deal properly.)
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I do hurt myself, I will feel guilty and shy away from the world. Hide in my room for days. If I don't hurt myself, tomorrow, the thought of it will still be on my mind. I will still feel distracted.
- what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I would really like to cut right now. I want to lock myself in the bathroom and have at it. If I'm reading, and answering the second question right...I guess I could avoid the bathroom. but that might be a problem. Maybe I can tell H that I don't feel safe and I'm afraid to be alone?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Like I said, I just don't feel normal. No situation brought this on, it's just been a lil over a week sence I cut last. I feel the need to cut. I feel like I have to. I feel like cutting is what defines my character. If I don't cut than who am I? You know what I mean?
- Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I have been here before. And before I would just hurt myself. I felt "normal" again.
- What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I guess writing this out is making me actually think into it a bit...I could go make coffee.
- How do I feel right now?
I also feel retarted for wanted to cut. Stupid for thinking that SI is who I am and all I have. I feel tired because I couldn't sleep. I feel alone bc noone understands me.(that probably isn't a fair statement. maybe noone understands me because I don't let them?)
- How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
When? Like in the process of doing so? I don't know. I don't really know how I feel when I'm hurting myself. Maybe I just don't remember...
- How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
again, releaved. guilty
- Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I guess I could avoid it if I knew what is bringing it on. I just don't understand who I am. It's like I'm having an identity crisis and I don't know anything else. I don't know. I'm tired of not knowing. And I'm afraid to talk to my T about this. It's just SO STUPID!
- Do I need to hurt myself?
okay, the reality is..No. I do not need to hurt myself. BUT, I feel that I do...I know that you don't always have to act on feelings, and also that you shouldn't always act on them either. But what do I do?
sry if your read this and don't understand or can't make sense of it all. but to me, in my head...it makes perfect sense
Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it
. Feeling like you don't fit here, or there. One place or another. Being torn between making important decisions, but also avoiding them. Trying to manage to be apart of something for others, but also for yourself. Make sense??