Before. Im about to explode

[dncn4lyfe77]

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  The situation wont change, shes still gonna scream and call me all sorts of names. Call me a freak, a bipolar cutting freak. Not like I already don't feel like enough of a freak already. I don't need her help. This hurts.
  
  If I hurt myself then I'll feel ok for a bit. Numb to it. Not caring for a while. It will hurt less. Maybe I'll be able to cry, idk. I know there's a lot wrong with me, I know that. I don't need it pointed out to me. Really. I can tell by myself. Knowing that it can be pointed out easily makes me feel even more like a freak, someone who doesn't deserve what other people have. Who doesn't deserve to be happy.
  
  
  
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will make the pain go away for a while. I'll be able to concentrate on something else besides feeling like the worst person in the world, a burden, a freak. I won't feel so fucked up for a while.
  
  It will take away the week I've almost made it to. Though I don't much care at the moment. I really don't care. I just want this feeling to go away..
  
  
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to feel normal. I won't ever feel normal though, because I'm not. And there are always people in my life to remind me of that. It won't end.
  
  Cutting isn't going to make me feel normal. Though this fucking feeling will be gone for a while. I can't deal with this right now, I'm trying but I can't do it.
  
  
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  I'll be ok for the night I think. After, well I don't know. I'm just gonna feel screwed up again and more like a freak because I can't even control myself. I can't just STOP, and NOT CUT, like people say I can. It's not that easy....you guys know that.
  
  
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I've tried a lot already, I've screamed, I've done housework, I've made dinner, I've cleaned out my car, I've done everything to run myself ragged and release some of this feeling that is making me explode. Nothing is working. I don't even know the name of this feeling. All I know is that I hate it.
  
  
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  Tomorrow I'll feel like shit. Pretty much like how I already do right now. Tomorrow I'll still feel like shit if I don't cut. I can't really win right now either way.
  
  
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I don't know what I want to do. I think maybe I want someone to hold me, rub my back and make me feel ok, that I'm worthy of even the littlest bit of affection, of love. I want to feel normal

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I want to hurt myself to get rid of this awful feeling that I don't even know what it's called. All I know is that I hate it. And it's tearing me apart inside. And I can't handle all this right now. This is the last thing that I need.
  
  
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I don't know. Maybe I have. I think I have. I dealt with it by cutting, because no one was there for me then either. Alex isn't here, I can't talk to him. He wouldn't understand anyways. And its not like I can go drive over so he can hold me and make me feel better. He wouldn't do that right now. He doesn't like it when I'm "emo" like he says. He doesn't understand how I feel.
  
  
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I've tried talking, screaming, writing on BUS, doing all sorts of work, and I still can't shake this. It's the worst feeling imaginable, and I can't even put a name on it. If I could, I could probably figure out what to do for myself.
  
  
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Like a freak, an unwanted, unworthy of anything, better off dead fucking freak.
  
  
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Numb to it all. I won't care anymore. I'll be in my own little world and I'll be ok.
  
  
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  I'll feel numb for a while. Tomorrow morning this is all going to come back regardless if I cut or not tonight. Cutting will just give me an ounce of relief that I need desperately right now. I can not handle the way I am feeling right now.
  
  
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I don't know. Maybe. Sure. The things I'm trying so far aren't working. Maybe I need new ideas. Maybe I'm just fucked up and nothing but cutting will work. That would be terrific.
  
  
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Right now I feel like I do to stay sane. I can't emotionally handle what I'm feeling now and I've tried every physical outlet for it I can think of. I'm just going to break down if I don't do something now. I need to do something. Fuck. Someone help me please. I can't do this alone right now.

[Proximity]

Hi,
I know this is a bit late, but it sounded like you wanted replies, so I hope this is still useful
You said that you feel like a freak anyhow, but that you don't need "her" help - can you realize that her comments are untrue, and unfair? Can you see the same for your own negative thoughts about yourself?

Can you think about the things you want to change about yourself, and how you could change them, instead of just thinking of them as being "wrong" with you? Can you accept the parts of yourself that you don't want to change, or can't change right now, or decide to work on accepting those parts?

Personally I believe that we always believe what we tell ourselves if we say it for long enough, loud enough. How long have you been telling yourself that you're horrible (don't answer that) - maybe you could try to find some positive messages to send to yourself (what would those be?) .. you might not believe it at first, but these things take time. Or you could work on stopping the process of self hate, by recognizing the things you tell yourself as untrue, or at least unfair or incomplete, and creating a more balanced view of yourself.

What would it take for you to "feel normal"? I think most people would be hard-pressed to tell you if they are "normal" or not, but what keeps you from feeling like you fit in? Is it only the messages you recieve from others, or are there also messages you send yourself there?

I think if we think of ourselves as "screwed up" or a "freak" etc. we only make it true.
I know it's not easy, but I do belive that it is possible to control yourself. Don't take that freedom away from yourself by denying it. What can you do to control yourself?

You say you want someone else to take care of you ... if that's not possible, can you take care of yourself? Can you tell yourself the things you want that person to say? Can you give yourself that affection and love?

The only person who can really understand what you are going through is yourself. Can you be on your own side instead of against yourself?

Maybe I'm just fucked up and nothing but cutting will work. That would be terrific.

do you really think this is true?
what would you say to a friend who said this
if you are "just fucked up" and there is no way to solve anything, or no way that anything could get better or change, I think you're being unfair to yourself, and you're also rejecting any help that people would try to give before they give it. It is hard to respond to someone who is thinking this way, because you know no matter how much you give, they will still only feel lacking.
How can you change this thinking, and at least see yourself as someone who *can* be helped, and deserves to work on making life better for herself?

prox.
[april showers]

[dncn4lyfe77]

thank you so much for your reply. It really helped me out alot, and definately made me think about alot.

My negative thinkings gotta go. I beat up on myself all the time and I shouldn't. I've been trying lately to change the thoughts but its hard. It just is so discouraging when you work so hard for something then it seems like you have totally failed.

tomorrow is 2 weeks without SI. Ive been telling myself every night (repeating outloud actually haha) that I need to take care of my body and dont need to hurt myself to feel better.

It's workin so far


thanks again, I printed out your reply and put it on my bullitin board so i can read it whenever I start feeling how i was when i wrote that post

<3 sare