Before.... *SI*

[blackdaisy]

I've never tried this before... but things are really bad tonight, urges are higher than they have been in... I don't know how long, so lets give it a shot. Any comments/hugs/support are welcome... thanks!

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It wont. I am still graduating from college in 6 weeks (which I'm happy about) and moving halfway across the country... (which I'm not happy about). Even if I do cut that will still happen.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring me a sense of power and control that I do not have right now. It will take away all the time I have SI free (2 years).

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel proud of myself for how I handled the situation and want to feel like I trusted God, not myself. Hurting myself is not going to get me closer to that- it will push me further from it.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief will probably last as long as the razor is against my skin. Then guilt will set it and I will feel worse than I did in the first place.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could continue to answer these questions, then write in a journal, take a warm bath, pray, cry and then go to sleep. I think that doing these things won't change the situation, but could help me change my outlook on it. The change probably won't be permanent, but it will allow me to get through tonight and hopefully keep working on finding peace with it.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel like shit... only worse than that... there is no feeling worse than letting myself down. If I do the other stuff, I will still feel sad and frustrated but I will be one more day SI free and proud of myself.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I REALLY WANT TO CUT RIGHT NOW! To honor my self-protective instinct... I can do something else to take care of myself, such as eat ice cream or take a shower. I will protect myself by taking care of myself.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I want to hurt myself because it will make the emotional pain stop, it will make everything stop. I have come to this point because the emotional pain I am feeling right now is extremely intense and I want to fall back on cutting because it has worked in the past and I know it will help, if only for a little while.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've been here oh so many times before. I have gotten through each urge by trying to figure out what is causing it and doing things to take care of myself. When I have gotten through urges before I have felt proud of myself and relieved that I did not cut.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I let myself cry and I prayed about it. I came on here and started writing about how I am feeling. I can continue to write, have some ice cream and go to bed.

How do I feel right now?
Emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. The urge to cut is starting to lessen a bit.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I would feel exhilerated... in that moment nothing else can hurt me and the rest of the world goes away.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
After I'll have a few minutes of relief and then I'll feel terrible. Tomorrow morning I would feel worse than I do write now.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I cannot avoid this stessor- graduation and moving are coming whether I like it or not. In the future I can talk and write more about stressors like this before it gets to the point where it is so intense that I have strong SI urges.

Do I need to hurt myself?
No.

Okay.... I actually do feel a bit better now. I think I am going to go to sleep and see how I feel in the morning. I like these questions... they are helpful.

[mallie]

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could continue to answer these questions, then write in a journal, take a warm bath, pray, cry and then go to sleep. I think that doing these things won't change the situation, but could help me change my outlook on it. The change probably won't be permanent, but it will allow me to get through tonight and hopefully keep working on finding peace with it.

Do you think this would be a more useful way to deal with things than SI? From what you said above, the releif from SI would only last while it was happening, this sounds like it might do a little more (get through tonight).

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I cannot avoid this stessor- graduation and moving are coming whether I like it or not.

If moving is a source of stress, even if you can't change the move, is there any way you could work on your feelings about it? You don't have to answer here if you don't want to, but have you thought about why you don't want to move, and what it will mean for you when you do? Is there any way you can plan things to make the transition easier for yourself?

I hope things do feel better in the morning

[Proximity]

Have you talked to anyone about how you're feeling about graduating and moving?
This is also something I'm facing right now, and I know how anxiety-producing it can be. Often I feel worse while I'm talking to someone, or just afterwards, but then I feel less freaked out about it.

Have you looked at exactly WHY you are unhappy with the situation?
(I mean in an in-depth way, not just "leaving my friends" etc.)
Could you see this as opening doors to more opportunities and choices?
Are there decisions here that you can make? Are you "in control" of at least some aspects of your future?

Can you take power from a choice not to hurt yourself?
You said you wanted to feel like you "trusted God" - is the a goal you can further in other ways? (I don't want to assume anything about your faith, but maybe that could be something like prayer, meditation, meeting with a spiritual advisor, or finding a place of worship in the town you will be moving to.)

How can you work on finding peace with your situation?
(Something that helps me is to stay with the bad feelings for a while, seeing that they are just feelings, and that I don't have to react to them. Then I will step back and do something to distract myself or make myself feel better, trying to accept that though I might not be able to make the feelings go away, I am in control of my own actions and decisions.)


prox.
[in motion]